Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life

by Henry Cloud

In short, boundaries are not walls. The Bible does not say that we are to be “walled off” from others; in fact, it says that we are to be “one” with them (John 17:11). We are to be in community with them. But in every community, all members have their own space and property. The important thing is that property lines be permeable enough to allow passing and strong enough to keep out danger.

To continue to open yourself up emotionally to an abusive or addicted person without seeing true change is foolish. Forgive, but guard your heart until you see sustained change.

We need to own our attitudes and convictions because they fall within our property line. We are the ones who feel their effect, and the only ones who can change them.

Parenting with love and limits, with warmth and consequences, produces confident children who have a sense of control over their lives.

Setting boundaries inevitably involves taking responsibility for your choices. You are the one who makes them. You are the one who must live with their consequences. And you are the one who may be keeping yourself from making the choices you could be happy with.

Separating ourselves protects love, because we are taking a stand against things that destroy love.

The “my way or else” approach teaches children to pretend to be obedient, at least when the parent is in earshot. The “you have a choice” approach teaches children to be responsible for their own actions. Instead of saying, “You’ll make your bed or you’ll be grounded for a month,” the parent says, “You have a choice: Make your bed, and I’ll let you play Xbox; don’t make your bed, and you lose your Xbox privileges for the rest of the day.” The child decides how much pain he is willing to endure to be disobedient.

The Bible says that true love leads to a blessed state and a state of cheer. Love brings happiness, not depression. If your loving is depressing you, it’s probably not love.”

One sure sign of boundary problems is when your relationship with one person has the power to affect your relationships with others. You are giving one person way too much power in your life.

Punishment does not leave much room for mistakes. Discipline, however, is different. Discipline is not payment for a wrong. It’s the natural law of God: our actions reap consequences. Discipline is different from punishment because God is finished punishing us. Punishment ended on the cross for all those who accept Christ as Savior:

If you are being saddled with another person’s responsibilities and feel resentful, you need to take responsibility for your feelings and realize that your unhappiness is not your coworker’s fault, but your own.

Favors and sacrifices are part of the Christian life. Enabling is not. Learn to tell the difference by seeing if your giving is helping the other to become better or worse.

Effective workers do two things: they strive to do excellent work, and they spend their time on the most important things. Many people do excellent work but allow themselves to get sidetracked by unimportant things; they may do unimportant things very well!