Untangled: Guiding Teenage Girls Through the Seven Transitions into Adulthood

by Lisa Damour

If you’ve read other books about teenage girls, you may have noticed that they tilt toward the dark side of adolescence—how girls suffer or cause suffering in their parents and peers. It’s certainly true that girls can be hard on themselves and others, and even when they are at their best, they’re often unpredictable and intense.

I’m here to tell you that life with your teenage daughter doesn’t have to feel like a tangled mess. There is a predictable pattern to teenage development, a blueprint for how girls grow. When you understand what makes your daughter tick, she suddenly makes a lot more sense. When you have a map of adolescent development, it’s a lot easier to guide your daughter toward becoming the grounded young woman you want her to be.

when it comes to parenting, there are many ways to get it right. What works for one family won’t work for another.

By age twelve most tweens feel a sudden, internal pressure to separate themselves from almost everything that seems childlike and, as Maya was learning the hard way, a girl’s pleasant relationship with her folks is usually one of the first casualties.

To progress along this strand, girls stop telling us their secrets, bristle when we use pet names, and make it clear that they’re doing us a favor by agreeing to join the family holiday picture.

a lot goes on behind the scenes in the unconscious mind, too. Even though they might not be aware of it, twelve-year-olds do the math and realize that, if all goes according to plan, they will be leaving home in five or six years. They suddenly feel pressed to prepare for adult independence by ridding themselves of the marks of childhood.