The Librarian's Vampire Assistant (The Librarian's Vampire Assistant, #1)

by Mimi Jean Pamfiloff

“I’ll get that,” I say, holding in a sneeze. I cannot imagine why no one wants to work here, picking books up off the floor all day is delightful.

Fact or sarcasm? 🤔

I can’t imagine a more hellish job.

I guess that answers the qustion - sarcasm.👍

Roller skating? I can’t claim I’ve heard that one before. Vampires do not roller skate, just like they don’t break-dance or yodel. I mean, that’s just silly.

So is thinking about other things vampires just don't do - do vampires jello wrestle?

too bushy to be called brows. More like eyelid mustaches.

All five hundred and eighty-two societies worldwide have signed a pact to obey a common set of laws, and one of them is that a vampire in good standing will not be denied access to another’s territory when matters of business or employment are involved.

I snarl down at what used to be Clive now packed in a sealed chicken soup can. It’s so bloody undignified. They could’ve at least put him in a nice can of artichoke hearts or black olives. But this is the way he must travel back home—in an inconspicuous, completely sealed can inside my luggage—per our rules.

I’ve just given my blood to a librarian, and it looks like I’m going to be her assistant.

Your fault, dude. 📚🤓

It’s going to take me another hundred years to grasp the concept that privacy is dead.

You and everyone else, too.

Why are snakes now called danger noodles?—to

That's a new one to me, too. Thanks for the update - I've only ever known them as 'George'. 🐍

really I’m into no one. Romance is for fools, and love is for the ignorant.

So true. 💕

are extremely ruthless and old-school. They love rules, they love enforcing them, and they love breaking them because they are like royalty and no one will dare stand up to them. All this means that the stronger you are, the more you can get away with. The idea of justice is simply a façade meant to lull the masses and keep the peace. Underneath it all, we are still vampires, searching for angles and looking out for number one.

Human Nature 101, taught at the School of Hard Knocks.

“Uber, woman. Uber.”

Too bad Uber isn't a FANG stock. What? Bad joke? Watch Mad Money with Jim Cramer if you need a little insight on the pun.

though I have not found my true calling. I don’t know if it exists.

Ditto.

“What in carnations?”

Sunshine quickly dissipates vampire odors.

That was easy. Is there a giant red plastic button to thank?

The Big Red Button! ...and The Sofa of Reasonable Comfort. 🛋

No one touches my family. And no one messes with my librarian.

...unless she wills me her massive book collection, first. Then we can talk.

experience perfecting my disguise. It is as good as anything one might see in a Hollywood film. Think Val Kilmer as the nutty professor in The Saint

Love that movie.

“Oh, and did I also mention,” I spit out my fake teeth and smile wickedly, “that I didn’t come alone?” I flash a bit of fang, which is the vampire equivalent of grabbing one’s manhood and telling someone to suck it.

Nice to know. ...I think?

seppuku

Viviana jumps me once more with her womanly tentacles.

Octopussy!