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I hadn’t known it was possible to feel like you could fly. To be so strong. To be so beautiful. To be good at something.
“We want you to be Ivan’s next partner,” the woman said. Just. Like. That. Just like that. There were moments in life where you asked yourself if you did drugs without realizing it.
Worrying about being a failure and a disappointment weren’t things you could just fix. They were just there. All the time. And if there was a way to work on them, I hadn’t learned how to yet.
You are who you are in life, and you either live that time trying to bend yourself to make other people happy, or… you don’t.
This was what I got for making them my best friends over the years. Other than Karina, who I spoke to less and less over the last few years, and a couple of other people I didn’t mind, my family was it for me. My mom said I had serious trust issues, but honestly, the more people I met, the more I didn’t want to meet more.
“We give you more shit than that in an hour.” I blinked because he had a point. But it was different because we were family. Giving each other shit was pretty much mandatory. My friend’s brother, my rink mate, giving me hell… was not. “Yeah, Grumpy. That doesn’t sound so bad,” my mom piped in. Fucking traitors.
“You know what I’m trying to say. You can do whatever you want in this life, Jasmine. But I want you to be happy. I want you to be appreciated.”
The woman who had gone to every single competition she’d ever been able to afford, who had always made sure I had a ride to every lesson I’d ever needed to take, who had cheered me on even when I sucked, cocked her head to the side and raised up a shoulder. “I think you should do it, but I don’t think you should sell yourself short. There’s no one else he could ask that’s better than you. Even if it’s only for a year. He’s not doing you a favor by asking. You’re doing him the favor. And if he’s dumb enough to screw this up somehow—” She smiled. “—I’ll be your alibi if something happens to that
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She kept on going, reaching out to take my hand. “But you’ve always jumped right back up after a fall. You don’t know anything else. Things don’t always work out the way we want them to, but no girl of mine, especially not you, is a quitter,” she said to me. “And whatever else happens, you’re more than this sport. Understand me?”
When you want something bad enough, you can always make it happen.
The tip of his tongue was poking at the inside of his cheek. He’d made that face at me enough times in the past for me to recognize it. He was giving me a death glare.
Tali: Would you just tell us what you’re talking about? Jojo: JASMINE IS SKATING WITH IVAN LUKOV Jojo: And I found out by going on Picturegram. Someone at the rink posted a picture of them in one of the training rooms. They were doing lifts. Jojo: JASMINE I SWEAR TO GOD YOU BETTER EXPLAIN EVERYTHING RIGHT NOW Tali: ARE YOU KIDDING ME? IS THIS TRUE? Tali: JASMINE Tali: JASMINE Tali: JASMINE Jojo: I’m going on Lukov’s website right now to confirm this
JAJAJAJSJSJJS
His blank expression was confusing. “You have a job?” “Yeah.” “Why?” I blinked. “Because things cost money and money doesn’t grow on trees?” I offered, still blinking.
Se me hace gracioso el parpadeo de "¿este es idiota?"
“Your music sucked too.” The only sucking going on in that moment revolved around me sucking in a breath. “Excuse me. What are you? A musical genius?” I snapped. He lifted a shoulder. “I have a better ear than you do. Don’t get mad. You’re either born with it or you aren’t.”
What the fuck? I mouthed. The man I’d never even seen get flustered, shrugged. Guess, he mouthed back.
Until I was here, at this point, stressing over stuff like that happening more and more. I didn’t want to see that kind of shit. All I wanted was figure skating. I didn’t care about the rest. But that’s not how stuff worked nowadays.
“No come on, Ivan. I hate the fact that I care what you think, okay? You don’t need to rub it in. I’m trying… to be friends with you,”
Entiendo a Jasmine un 100%
“Meatball,” he said, still speaking slowly, still not moving. He struggled with a swallow. Struggled with his words, if the strange expression on his face said anything. “I’m just fucking with you when I make fun of you,” he claimed, watching me.
“Everyone, Jasmine, everyone that’s an athlete—that’s successful—has had to give up a lot. Some of us more than others. You’re not the first person, and you’re not the last person that sees that and feels bad about it,” he started to say, his voice steady and even. “You don’t get to become good at anything without sacrificing something to make time.”
“These young girls quit right after they win gold medals because they’re scared of losing after that. You say nobody remembers second place, but no one remembers the girls that win once and disappear afterward either.
“Jasmine, you’re not a loser.” What had to be his chin touched my ear because it prickled. “Not years ago, not last week, not today, not tomorrow. Not ever. Winning isn’t everything.”
There are girls at the rink who light up every single time you walk by. You’ve probably changed their lives and inspired them by showing up here day after day, staying true to yourself, not letting anybody talk you out of anything. Not even me. I don’t know what you consider a loser, but those aren’t the kind of traits that come to my mind when I think of with that word.”
They don’t need Rosemary’s Baby over there rubbing off on them.”
Que linda referencia
“That doesn’t mean much. You’re little too, but you’re heavy as hell.” “Oh, shut up. I’m not that heavy.” I turned to look at him over my shoulder as I extended my arms out to my nephew. “You are. You’re the heaviest partner I’ve ever had.” “It’s all muscle.” “Is that what we’re going to call it?”
“You’ve got a point,” he conceded, not exactly sounding happy about it. “But how many do you have?” What happened next, I would never have been able to predict. But it happened. We both went “OOOOOOOOH” at the bullshit that came out of his mouth like we were in fifth grade and had made a really good “yo mama” joke.
“I get it, Ivan. Without me, you can’t compete. Trust me, I get it. I know it. I’m not planning on screwing you over. I didn’t mean to get sick and screw up starting our choreography. You know I’m sorry.” The look he gave me…. “You’re my friend, Jasmine. Not just my fucking partner. Don’t give me that bullshit.” I reeled back at his tone and watched his face get furious. “I want you to be safe because you matter to me.
“I wanted you to be my partner for years, dumbass. When Karina had told me you were thinking about switching to pairs, I had thought you would say something to me, even in passing as a joke. I thought you would say you were going to kick my ass, and I had planned on talking to you over it. But you never did. The next thing I knew, you had a partner. Some dipshit that wasn’t half as good as you.”
“You’ve been in my life for thirteen years. How could you not think I don’t care about you? We fuck around with each other because we both like it. Because there’s nobody else we can fuck around with that can handle it.”
Every single minute of my life began to count. Measured, booked, and given away before the day had even started. But I loved it. Valued it. All those squeezed-in moments were appreciated and necessary for me.
I understand school is important, but she has a gift. You should be proud of her for never giving up on her dreams. You should be proud of her for being true to herself.”
The one man I wanted to appreciate me and respect me, didn’t. And the other man, the one whose appreciation and respect I had told myself for so long didn’t matter, seemed to think the world of me.
Because there were a million things wrong with me, and the one thing that wasn’t, was one of the biggest things that disappointed my dad… and everyone else I loved.
“And when we win a fucking gold medal, he’s going to be watching you, thinking he couldn’t be prouder of you. He’s going to walk around telling everyone his daughter won a gold medal, and you’re going to know you did it without him. That you did it when so many people didn’t believe in you, even though those people don’t matter. The ones that matter are the ones who have always known what you’re capable of.” He swallowed so loud I heard it. “I believe in you. In us. Regardless of what happens, you will always be the best partner I’ve ever had. You’ll always be the hardest working person I’ve
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I just kept on crying. For my dad. For my mom. For my siblings. For myself. For not feeling good enough. For not feeling enough. For doing what I wanted to do despite all the noes and the eye rolls and all the things I’d had to give up along the way. All the things I’d lost that I might someday regret more than I already did. But mostly, I cried because while I didn’t care what most people thought of me, I cared too much about the people whose opinion I did value.
“I might want to kick your ass sometimes, and I might tell you that you suck when you screw up and when you don’t, but you know it’s only because someone needs to keep you in check. But I meant what I said. You’re the best partner I’ve ever had.”
Did I know I looked exactly like I’d been crying for close to half an hour? Yup. And I didn’t give a shit.
And before I could think about what I was doing, I went up to my tiptoes and kissed what I could reach—Ivan’s chin. He looked down at me with an expression I had never seen before. It pleased me. So, I smacked his hip and said, “Drive careful, Satan.”
Love was a weird word. What the hell was love? Everyone had such a different opinion on what it meant to them; it was hard to figure out how to use it. There was family love, friend love, romantic love….
Love to me was honesty. Being real. Knowing someone’s best and worst. Love was a push that said someone believed in you when you didn’t.
“That’s part of it, but not what I was asking,” I said, my voice sounding as tired as I felt. Drained, just so damned drained. “I started because I loved it. From the first moment I got on the ice, it felt right. And once I didn’t need to hold the walls anymore, it made me feel… free. It made me feel special. Everyone else that day could barely get around, but I picked up on it like this,” I explained, snapping my fingers. “And the better I got, the more I loved it. Nothing had ever made me happier than figure skating. I felt like I belonged. Do you understand that?”
“You tried to get up,” he said to me in a voice so low I barely understood his words. “You tried to get up and keep skating, and I swear I almost started crying right then.”
loved this man so much that losing him was going to break my cold, dead heart into so many pieces I was just going to have to stick them in the same box I kept my dreams and carry it around with me forever.
“I know your sisters are here and all, but I thought you’d want me to help out. I’m stronger than they are. We wouldn’t have to leave a trail.” What I wanted was him forever, but I’d take what I could get. “Deal,” I said. He grinned. “One more thing.” Damn it. “I want to know because you never told me, but what do you have against Mary McDonald?” he asked. “I want to know why we hate her.”
“Honest to God, cross my heart and hope to die, I don’t want to talk to you anymore. Or ever again. Whatever you thought you felt, whatever excuses you’ve talked yourself into believing to justify the way you treated me… live with it. Deal with it. If you know me half as well as you think you do, you know I’m not ever going to forgive you.”
“She’s my partner now, Paulie, and she’s going to keep being my partner. And you know what? I’m not real good with sharing, so it might be a good idea if you got out of here before all those things I had warned you about come true,” Ivan cut him off, as he came to stand at my side.
“No, I told you to wait until after this was over. I didn’t think he’d actually come up to you and try and talk to you. He doesn’t know you at all, does he?” Ivan snickered. “Dumbass. I bet he has no clue how close he was to dying. I could hear it in your voice, and once I saw your face, I was honestly worried you were going to do some John Wick shit with the comb I left on the counter.”
