How to American: An Immigrant's Guide to Disappointing Your Parents

by Jimmy O. Yang

Asian ladies will tell you exactly what is wrong with your face, in front of your face, as if they were helping you.

But I figured it was better to disappoint my parents for a few years than to disappoint myself for the rest of my life. I had to disappoint them in order to pursue what I loved. That was the only way to have my Chinese turnip cake and eat an American apple pie too.

Dark meat is the good parts. White meat is the breast. It’s dry and rough for American idiots.”

I was desperately hoping for some Chinese kids I could cling on to in this new school. In hindsight, this was a blessing in disguise. If I had gone to an American school with a lot of other Chinese kids, I would not have been forced to assimilate, and I would have probably turned out to be the dude selling dim sum in Chinatown.

I’d never taken any martial arts classes, but there must have been something embedded in my Chinese DNA. Out of instinct, I turned around and round-house kicked Diego square in the gut. He gasped and folded over. Then I jumped up as high as I could, and I came down with a massive karate chop to the back of the neck. He collapsed onto his knees. My adrenaline was pumping and I was ready to finish him. David quickly jumped in between us and screamed, “Stop! Stop!” I stood still in my kung fu stance and stared them down.

I’d always pictured the American high school experience as a handsome, white high school quarterback scoring a game-winning touchdown at homecoming, then slow-dancing with the head cheerleader at the homecoming dance. But this diverse group of human beings from different backgrounds reflected an even more truthful version of America: a country of immigrants.

My dad always complained that rap music was too noisy and it sounded like “Buddhist monks reciting a poem.”

So I went to my dad and asked him to sign the waiver for me to play football. He never even considered it for a moment; he just laughed right in my face. “You? Football? Come on.” “But, Dad, I’m fast and—” “I’m not signing a paper that’ll make you die.”

So I switched my major to economics, the easiest major that Asian parents would still approve

The study-abroad trip was such an amazing experience; it raised the bar for my standard of living.

The college graduation ceremony felt more like a deadline than a celebration. It marked the day when I’d go from being a student to officially becoming an unemployed adult.

it gave me the permission to quit

People always tell you, “Never give up. Don’t be a quitter.” Those people have never gotten choked by a Brazilian jujitsu black belt.

I wasn’t nervous at all. I mean, what did I have to lose? My dignity? That was left behind on the jujitsu mat.

It’s always a good move to compliment someone, then tell him he reminds you of you; it’s like patting yourself on the back using the other person’s hand.

Telling my friends was probably my therapy to cope with it. I felt completely out of control.

“Give a man an acting job, you feed him for a day; teach a man to Uber, you feed him for a lifetime.”

When he came out, he gave me a smirk and said, “Break a leg.” I should have Tonya Harding’ed him and broken his leg right there.

I used to think being on TV meant I’d be living like the stars on MTV’s Cribs in a mansion with three Ferraris, a pet tiger in the backyard and models lining up in front of my house waiting to date me. Nope. I still drive a Prius, I still use Tinder and I still dwell in a one-bedroom apartment,

To me, the issue is not the people who speak with an Asian accent; it’s the perception of the accent itself.

Playing a boyfriend might not seem like a big deal, but playing a white girl’s boyfriend is like the Holy Grail for Asian actors.

Instead of Lee Greenwood’s “God Bless the USA,” I suggest we play Jay-Z’s Big Pimpin’ at the naturalization ceremony.

I have seen puberty turn an ugly duckling into a swan, and I’ve also seen it turn a cute kid into a Ninja Turtle.

My dad once told me: “Having you as my son is like winning the lottery… Not the Mega Millions jackpot, but like a small twenty-dollar prize.”