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the cognitive functions of the prefrontal cortex, the seat of judgment, don’t mature until around age twenty-five. (The emotional control functions follow at around thirty-two!)
If you act as if it’s your job to see that your child does his homework, practices the piano, or plays a sport, you reinforce the mistaken belief that somebody other than he is responsible for getting his work done. He doesn’t have to think about it because, on some level, he knows that eventually someone will “make” him do it.
Together, you identify possible solutions you’re both comfortable with and figure out how to get there. If your child settles on a choice that isn’t crazy go with it, even if it is not what you would like him to do.
The brain develops according to how it’s used. This means that by encouraging our kids—and requiring our adolescents—to make their own decisions, we are giving them invaluable experience in assessing their own needs honestly, paying attention to their feelings and motivations, weighing pros and cons, and trying to make the best possible decision for themselves. We help them develop a brain that’s used to making hard choices and owning them.
the importance of the calendar tool in helping kids feel in control of their day. Have them cross off days of the week as you come to them. Spend time going over the schedule for the day, giving them choice in that schedule wherever possible. This communication expresses respect—they
“You know, I love what a great negotiator you are. Some people get paid a lot to do what you do so naturally. But sometimes it’s exhausting for me, and it’s especially hard when we are crunched for time or when there’s a lot going on. I’d be grateful if when I need you to, you could go with the flow, without the need for a discussion. If you can do that, it will help the morning run more smoothly and I will acknowledge that you’ve really helped out.”
Ask your child whether something in his life isn’t working for him (his homework routine, bedtime, management of electronics) and if he has any ideas about how to make it work better.
enjoying your kids is one of the best things you can do for them, and for yourself.
explaining the reasons why a task is important and then allowing as much personal freedom as possible in carrying out the task will stimulate much more motivation than rewards or punishments.
The very best thing you can do to help your children develop self-motivation is to give them as much control over their choices as possible, including asking them what it is they want to be competent at and in charge of.
competence is more about our feeling that we can handle a situation than it is about being really great at something.
Supporting our kids in developing competence is our job as parents. “You worked really hard on that science test and I’m proud of you even if you didn’t get the grade you wanted. I imagine it’s clear to us both that you are getting better and are getting nearer to reaching your goal.”
Taking away something that does motivate him isn’t going to solve the problem, and may, on the contrary, further dampen his motivation.
You can expose them to things you think they might enjoy. But the most important thing you can do is express confidence that they will find something they love to do.
You can also emphasize the importance of self-awareness. It’s astonishing to us how many kids have never asked themselves what it is they want, or have never had someone ask it of them. They’re too busy either trying to please others, or rebelling against others’ control. But they need to think for themselves about themselves.
Explore where your child’s true inner motivation lies. You can do this by asking when in life he or she feels “really happy.” Kids with a healthy self-drive will commonly think of times when they perform well in school or in sports, are engaged in pleasurable pastimes, or do something fun with their friends or family.
Psychologist Adam Cox noted that whereas fifty years ago kids might be bored after a couple of hours with nothing to do, nowadays kids become bored after thirty seconds, while most adults feel the need to check their phones in the four seconds it takes to slow down and stop at a stop sign.
Learning to tolerate solitude—to be comfortable with yourself—is one of the most important skills one acquires in childhood.
Sleep is brain food.
offer more than one way to demonstrate mastery of material, seek student feedback, encourage them to explore strategies that work for them, and more generally explain why they’re being asked to do things and what you hope they will gain from them.
Encourage your child to think of what will motivate him to master the material being taught in the class
Always know their password, and let them know that you will always know it. If you are paying for their data plan, you can make that contingent on their respectful use of technology. If they won’t put away the phone at night, you don’t pay the bill.
We are also big believers in setting “personal best” goals in the classroom, the music room, on the playing field—or in the backyard. It’s not that competition is bad per se—your kid needs to learn how to go for it when she really wants to win—but it is far more effective when the person she is competing with is herself. She may not have control over how much someone else practices or how good they are, but she has total control over how much she practices to beat her prior time or score. Seeing yourself get better at something is enormously rewarding.
Encourage your kids to set their own goals—and to visualize achieving them. Ask, “What would you like to do or accomplish for the next week/ month/ semester/ by the end of summer?” Help them make SMART goals (Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Realistic, Time-Bound). When you break a goal down into discrete, actionable steps, you increase the dopamine released when they see progress.
it doesn’t matter what you know if you lose your mind when it matters.
We see lots of kids every year who, like Todd, go off to college before they can independently get themselves into or out of bed, manage their own academic work, hold a part-time job, or regulate their use of their cell phone, video games, and other electronic entertainment.
Can you really send your child to live on his own in an unregulated environment if he’s never once thought of taking care of his laundry or cooking a meal?
Does your burned-out kid have healthy coping mechanisms? Know techniques for stress management? Know to take a break sometimes?
