The Self-Driven Child: The Science and Sense of Giving Your Kids More Control Over Their Lives

by William Stixrud

From 1960 until 2002, high school and college students have steadily reported lower and lower levels of internal locus of control (the belief that they can control their own destiny) and higher levels of external locus of control (the belief that their destiny is determined by external forces). This change has been associated with an increased vulnerability to anxiety and depression. In fact, adolescents and young adults today are five to eight times more likely to experience the symptoms of an anxiety disorder than young people were at earlier times, including during the Great Depression, World War II, and the cold war.2 Are things really harder now than they were during the Depression? Or are we doing something that is dampening their natural coping mechanisms?

Without a healthy sense of control, kids feel powerless and overwhelmed and will often become passive or resigned. When they are denied the ability to make meaningful choices, they are at high risk of becoming anxious, struggling to manage anger, becoming self-destructive, or self-medicating. Despite the many resources and opportunities their parents offer them, they will often fail to thrive.

We really can’t control our kids—and doing so shouldn’t be our goal. Our role is to teach them to think and act independently, so that they will have the judgment to succeed in school and, most important, in life. Rather than pushing them to do things they resist, we should seek to help them find things they love and develop their inner motivation. Our aim is to move away from a model that depends on parental pressure to one that nurtures a child’s own drive. That is what we mean by the self-driven child.

We start with the assumption that kids have brains in their heads and want their lives to work and that, with some support, they’ll figure out what to do. They know it’s important to get up in the morning and get dressed. They know it’s important to do their homework. They feel the pressure even if they don’t show it, and if they are struggling, nagging them about it will only reinforce their resistance. The trick is to give them enough freedom and respect to let them figure things out for themselves. Even if it were possible to control our kids and mold them into who or what we want them to be, we might be less stressed, but they would be more controlled than self-controlled.

We will help you move in the direction of being a nonanxious presence, which is one of the best things you can do for your kids, your family, and yourself.

Agency may be the one most important factor in human happiness and well-being.

We all like to feel that we are in charge of our own destiny.

Let us make one thing clear: we don’t think it’s possible to protect kids from all stressful experiences, nor would we want to. In fact, when kids are constantly shielded from circumstances that make them anxious, it tends to make their anxiety worse. We want them to learn how to deal successfully with stressful situations—to have a high stress tolerance. That’s how they develop resilience. If a child feels like he’s in control in a stressful situation, then in later situations when he might actually not be in control, his brain will be equipped to handle that stress better.9 He is, in effect, immunized.

So how do you capitalize on positive or tolerable stress while avoiding the bad kind? It is simple in theory, but tricky in execution: kids need a supportive adult around, they need time to recover from the stressful event, and they need to have a sense of control over their lives.

teens are more vulnerable to stress than children or adults.

Stress tolerance is highly correlated to success in all aspects of life.

A consultant who loses his wits when the company doesn’t hit its targets or fails to reach its full potential becomes part of the problem. Remember that your job is not to solve your children’s problems but to help them learn to run their own lives. This reframing means that while we should guide, support, teach, help, and set limits for our kids, we should be clear—with them and with ourselves—that their lives are their own.

But our years of experience have taught us that trying to force kids to do things you think are in their own best interest will compromise your relationship and waste energy that could be spent building them up in other ways.

Parents commonly feel responsible for policing homework without thinking about the underlying goal: to raise curious, self-directed learners.

Second, when parents work harder than their kids to solve their problems, their kids get weaker, not stronger. If you spend ninety-five units of energy trying to help your child be successful, he or she will spend five units of energy. If you become frustrated or anxious and raise the ante, spending ninety-eight units of energy in clamping down even harder, your child will respond accordingly, and spend just two units.

If you act as if it’s your job to see that your child does his homework, practices the piano, or plays a sport, you reinforce the mistaken belief that somebody other than he is responsible for getting his work done. He doesn’t have to think about it because, on some level, he knows that eventually someone will “make” him do it.

Third, and this is perhaps the most critical point, you can’t force a kid to do something he’s dead set against.

You can’t make your kids do something against their will. You can’t make your kids want something they don’t want. You can’t make your kids not want what they want. It’s okay, at least right now, for them to want what they want and not want what they don’t want.

But the reality is that you can’t really make them do anything. We do not live in the totalitarian world of A Clockwork Orange, where people’s behavior can be controlled by hooking them up to machines. The best we can do is make it unpleasant enough so that they will comply. Even if this method sometimes seems to work in the short term, it doesn’t work at all in the long term. It’s like fear—a short-term motivator that will get you to run fast, but with negative long-term implications, because who can really live that way?

Coming to peace with the reality that you can’t make your kid do things is liberating. You can take the pressure off. The next time you find yourself trying to force your child to do something, you might stop and remind yourself, “Something’s wrong with this picture. I’m acting like I can make my child do this, and I actually can’t.”

By communicating to Jonah that he was ultimately responsible for his homework, his parents would release him from the reflex to fight tooth and nail against any display of dominance. Bill also wanted Jonah’s parents to understand that just because they were worried about some of his choices didn’t mean they had to constantly project a tone of disapproval. They could—and should—have fun and relax with him without thinking that every minute of their time together needed to signal the gravity of the situation.

authoritative parenting. This entails being supportive, but not controlling. Authoritative parents want their kids to cooperate because they like and respect them, and want kids to learn from their own experiences. At least sixty years of research has validated the fact that authoritative parenting is the most effective approach.2 It emphasizes self-direction and values maturity over obedience. It’s a style that sends the message, “I am going to do everything I can to help you be successful, but I’m not going to try to force you to do things because I say so.” Authoritative parents don’t give their children free rein. They enforce limits, and say when they don’t feel right about something, but they are not controlling. With authoritative parenting, the child’s developing brain doesn’t spend enormous amounts of energy resisting what’s often in their own best interest.

Stage 1: Unconsciously incompetent. This is the kid who thinks, “I’m fine. I don’t need to study math, I’ve got this.” In reality, he hasn’t a clue. This is when it’s easiest to get off track as a consultant. You can see the doomed test ahead, and you want to help him avoid the failure. But once you have offered help and he has made it clear that he doesn’t want it, you really can’t enlighten him as to his incompetence, nor should you. To be clear, this kid will bomb. . . . But then he’ll move on, and if you can help him get the message that a failure is nothing more than a temporary stumble to learn from, he will have learned a valuable lesson.

Stage 2: Consciously incompetent. The kid now thinks, “Okay, wow. That was harder than I thought. I guess I need to study math.” He still doesn’t have a handle on the material, but he knows that. He’ll usually take the next step and, you know, study. Stage 3: Consciously competent. The kid thinks, “I’ve studied really hard, I know my math, this test will be fine.” He’s right. We’re delighted when our kids get here. This is the dream, people.

We want our kids to get to Stage 3, the consciously competent stage, but we can’t do that without letting them graduate through the other stages on their own. You shouldn’t be absent during this process; you should be standing behind them, offering support and guidance the whole time.

there’s one thing only parents can do: love their kids unconditionally and provide them with a safe base at home. For children who are stressed at school or in other parts of their lives, home should be a safe haven, a place to rest and recover. When kids feel that they are deeply loved even when they’re struggling, it builds resilience. Battling your child about due dates and lost work sheets invites school stress to take root at home. So instead of nagging, arguing, and constant reminding, we recommend repeating the mantra, “I love you too much to fight with you about your homework.”

Remember that he needs to build competency.

You should set limits, and you should be involved in problem solving,

In no way do we think you should shrug your shoulders and say, “Sink or swim, buddy.” Offer a life raft every step of the way, in the form of your counsel. Tell your child what you’re worried about, and talk those points through. In this way, you are supportive and engaged, but you’re not steering the boat.

Today Bill still plays in a rock band and spends a fair amount of time every week playing and singing—much more so than most of his friends who were “made” to practice as children.

Because it’s impossible to make a truly resistant kid practice, and because chronically fighting about anything is not healthy for families, we recommend taking the same approach that we recommend for homework: consult, but don’t force.

you don’t want to ruin music for him by making it nothing but a chore.

“I used to let my kids do their homework on their own, but once they hit high school, the stakes became too high.” You’re right. The stakes are high, particularly in eleventh grade. But not just because of college admission. Your real challenge is to raise a child who is capable of acting in his or her own best interest. And think of the message you’re sending when you take hold of the reins: “We’ve trusted you in the past, but when things really matter, it would be a mistake to let you be in control.” If you give them that message, they are much more likely to flounder in college when they suddenly find themselves in charge of their own time and without supervision.

Similarly, if your kid passes on your offer to help with homework at the appointed hour, but then comes to you for help at 9:00 or 10:00, say, “The time for homework has passed. It’s time for bed. You need your rest so you can think clearly tomorrow, and so do I.” If she wants to get up early to complete it, that’s fine, but you shouldn’t help her. Your consulting hours are clear, and she can either take advantage of them or not.

“If our son’s not successful, we’re worried that he’ll feel bad about himself and could get depressed.” The implication here is that you feel you have to protect your son from himself. In actuality, he is much more likely to get depressed from a low sense of control than from experiencing a failure, especially if you are supportive in the aftermath and help him see it as a learning opportunity and not The End.

“Doing well in school is the most important thing for a successful future.” We disagree. We think that developing a clear sense of who’s responsible for what is more important than always doing well. That is the key to raising a self-driven child.

You’ve informed her, and you’ve offered to be there for her. That’s all that’s needed.

Also, be careful that as she gets older and more capable, you don’t retain the role out of habit. We recognize that there comes a point when a child no longer needs help getting dressed or putting on her shoes, and we also need to recognize the point when that child no longer needs our help managing her homework.

“If I’m not on him all the time, I’m worried that he won’t reach his potential.” Kids won’t reach their potential by constantly being driven. In fact, the opposite is true; they will do what is necessary to get you off their back, but they won’t do more. People go the extra mile when it matters to them, not when it matters to you.

Matthew went on and on enthusiastically about the subject of the test. He revealed that he’d spent quite a bit of time independently researching the topic since the test. Top grade? No. Real curiosity and learning? Yes!

we would all do well to remember the big picture: that we want our kids to be thoughtful learners, and want them to be self-disciplined, not well disciplined.

Help your child create an effective learning environment and, if necessary, develop her own system of rewards for completing goals. If she does not meet a goal, respond with compassion: “I’m sorry you weren’t able to meet your goals tonight.” Don’t get angry or threaten punishment. Your job is to help her develop ways to motivate herself. Express confidence in your child’s ability to figure things out.

“You are the expert on you.” “You have a brain in your head.” “You want your life to work.”

when we say we want children and teens to make their own decisions as much as possible, what we really want is for them to make informed decisions. It’s our responsibility as parents to give the information and the perspective that we have—and that they lack—in order to enable them to make the best possible choices. Once properly informed, kids usually do make good decisions for themselves—and their decisions are almost always as good as or better than our own.

a young child refuses to stop doing something he’s enjoying, like playing in the park, you want to stay calm, practice empathy, and offer choices. (“Would you like to finish up your game? We need to move on now, but would you like five more minutes?”) If after that he still won’t comply, it’s entirely appropriate to say, “Do you want to hold my hand or should I carry you?” If the child will not agree to hold your hand, pick him up and carry him to the car—even if he’s kicking and screaming. Before the next outing to the park, you might say, “I’m willing to go to the park if you will follow a five-minute warning when it’s time to leave. I’m not willing to chase you around or fight with you, and if leaving is a big hassle again, we’ll wait for a couple of days (or a week) before we go back to the park.”

We can say to a teen who spends too much time texting that we cannot in good conscience pay for their phone. We need to set clear ground rules, while keeping in mind that our ultimate goal is not to produce compliant children as much as children who understand how to act and interact successfully in this world.

If Greg’s daughter were not willing to listen to pros and cons and solicit advice, it may not be her call after all. Your kids have to be willing to listen and to think the options through, period.

The more experience kids have of managing their own stress and overcoming their own challenges, the more their prefrontal cortex will be able to regulate their amygdala.

The brain develops according to how it’s used. This means that by encouraging our kids—and requiring our adolescents—to make their own decisions, we are giving them invaluable experience in assessing their own needs honestly, paying attention to their feelings and motivations, weighing pros and cons, and trying to make the best possible decision for themselves. We help them develop a brain that’s used to making hard choices and owning them. This is huge and will pay big future dividends.

When we try to direct our kids’ lives, we might see short-term gains, but there will be long-term losses.