Checking Out

by Nick Spalding

Screw you, Nathan! Mr Sun seems to say. You might be one tiny growth spurt away from an early grave, but I still have to keep this world going, don’t I? Those plants aren’t going to photosynthesise themselves!

My favourite line.

It’s like watching a stick insect get electrocuted.

I’m being molested by a hairy orange creature with a personality disorder. Now I know what it feels like to be a woman locked in a room with Donald Trump.

Find ’em, fuck ’em and feed, it seems.

Mummy says I shouldn’t lie when I feel hurted. You. Shouldn’t. Either.