Checking Out

by Nick Spalding

Kitchens always seem to be the place where both good and bad news are generally imparted, have you ever noticed that? Must be something to do with being in such close proximity to the teabags.

‘Dance with me!’ she orders, before beginning a strange process of sticking her limbs out at random angles in time to the music. Sienna is many things. Many sexy things. What she is not is a good dancer. It’s like watching a stick insect get electrocuted. ‘I need to talk to you about something, Sienna!’ I shout over Ed Sheeran’s latest catchy number. ‘It’s important!’ ‘But I’m dancing!’ she complains, thrusting both arms out. It looks more like she’s directing air traffic than having a boogie.

‘Anger is a thing that lives and grows in isolation, Nathan.

If Armageddon ever does strike, it will definitely happen in portrait mode rather than landscape.

While the rest of my creations are on the money with their performances, Herman is barely doing anything. He’s just swaying back and forth a bit. It’s like watching a potato-based episode of The Walking Dead. Having seen our awful live show more times than I care to count now, I know when things are not going according to plan.

‘So, what happened between Herman and Frank?’ I ask. ‘Hamish has . . . some issues. Has had for a long time,’ Alison explains. ‘Jonathan told me it all started when he got fired from a lucrative mascot job in London last year.’ ‘Really?’ ‘Yeah. He was playing Baa Baa Bad Sheep from that stupid video game when he got into a fight with someone at a convention for no good reason,’ Alison explains. ‘It lost him and Jonathan a huge amount of money. Things only got worse from there. Jonathan just reached the point last week where he couldn’t cope any more and broke off the engagement.’ ‘Ouch. He could have picked a better time to do it.’