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Maybe it wasn’t a good idea to rank the people in your life. That’s not how the heart worked. The heart didn’t make lists.
“Oh, you think we just feel sorry for you. Is that it? You’re full of shit, you know that, Fito? Maybe when Sally looks at you, he thinks you’re worth something. Maybe when I look at you, maybe I think you’re worth something too. Just because you don’t like yourself doesn’t mean other people don’t like you.
Highways are nice and paved, and they have signs telling you which way to go. Life isn’t like that at all.
Fito said he learned how to escape from the hell around him by reading all the time. He said he liked The Grapes of Wrath because “it’s about poor people. That’s way cool.”
“You were so serious. I’ll always remember that look on your face. You saw me. You’ve always seen me. And I think that’s all that anyone wants. That’s why Fito loves coming over here. He’s been invisible all his life. And all of a sudden he’s visible. Seeing someone. Really seeing someone. That’s love.”
“He doesn’t deserve that screwed-up family.” Life wasn’t always about deserve. That much I knew.
He’s not a boy anymore. But that doesn’t mean he’s a man.
“Grief is a terrible and beautiful thing.” “I don’t think it’s so beautiful.” “The hurt means you loved someone. That you really loved someone.”
“You think I’d survive on the streets talking like a fucking book? How long do you think I’d last? I dumb myself down, Sam, to fucking survive. That’s how I roll. I carry cigarettes around even though I don’t smoke. I hand them out. Make friends. And people won’t mess with me. I carry change around, and if someone needs some money, I hand them some change. I carry around M&M’s. If I’m sitting around, I pop some. Some guy’s always coming up to me and saying, ‘Got any more of those?’ And I give him some. I don’t like trouble, and I’ve learned to get along, and it’s not any good to pretend you’re
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I just wanted to know that I really belonged. Which is stupid. Because I’ve always belonged.
I finally understood something about life and its inexplicable logic. I’d wanted to be certain of everything, and life was never going to give me any certitude.
There would always be accidents because people were careless and weren’t paying attention when they should’ve been paying attention.
People died every day. And people lived their lives every day.
My dad told me once, “If you make a mistake, don’t live in it.”
He also said that we do things — important things — only when we’re ready to do them. I think he’s right. But sometimes life forces our hand. Sometimes we have to make decisions whether we’re ready to make them or not. I suppose I will have to learn to bend to the inexplicable logic of my life.
