The Art Of Saying NO: How To Stand Your Ground, Reclaim Your Time And Energy, And Refuse To Be Taken For Granted (Without Feeling Guilty!) (The Art Of Living Well Book 1)

by Damon Zahariades

Saying no to people is one of the most important skills you can develop.

But allowing your needs to remain unaddressed while you continuously cater to others is the path toward resentment and bitterness.

Being assertive means having the self-confidence to express your needs and wants, and pursue your own ends, even in the face of opposition. It involves telling people where you stand on a given topic and leaving no room for confusion. Assertiveness is declaring your point of view and not feeling as if you need others’ approval or validation.

At its most basic form, assertiveness is candid communication. Nothing more.

And of course, you’ll become better and more adept at giving voice to that simple, beautiful word that can literally change your life: “no.”

It means the material is presented in a soup-to-nuts fashion.

It’s one of the smallest words in the English language. Yet, many of us believe it carries such awesome power that we’re afraid to say it. In those instances when we do manage to say no, we instinctively downplay our intentions, offering excuses and apologies to the requestor. Why does this tiny word carry such gravity? Why are we so hesitant to utter it?

Most of us were raised to believe that saying no is rude and egocentric.

People often take offense at things that aren’t intended to give offense. An example is hearing the word “no” after they ask for someone’s help.

Nor is it a reaction to a perceived wrongdoing or act of villainy. Rather, when offense is taken in these circumstances, it usually stems from the requestor’s insecurities. He or she internalizes the word “no” as a personal rejection. It stings, which prompts the reaction.

I realized that as long as I was respectful to the individual asking for my help, I wasn’t responsible for any offense taken when I said no.

Disappointment springs from unmet expectations.

But is his or her disappointment truly your fault? Or did your coworker approach you with unrealistic - and perhaps even unfair - expectations regarding your ability and willingness to offer help?

Most of us care how others perceive us. We want to be thought of as good, caring, helpful individuals. To that end, we go out of our way to appear so through our actions.

For example, we hold the door open for people. We smile at, greet, and listen to talkative strangers when waiting in line at the grocery store. And when we’re asked to help out with something, we instinctively say yes.

We have a limited number of hours to play with each day. That means every time we say yes to someone, we’re saying no to someone or something else.

And every time we say no, we free ourselves to spend that time and attention on another person or interest.

Self-care isn’t selfish. It’s necessary. The problem is, if you’re constantly saying yes to other people, putting their priorities ahead of your own, you won’t have the time or energy to care for yourself. And you’ll slowly become irritated, cynical, and miserable.

Will some people consider you selfish when you say no to them? Of course. You can’t control that. And it’s worth noting, you’re not responsible for them feeling that way.

The most responsible thing you can do is care for yourself before you cater to others.

Knowing that we’ve contributed to someone else’s happiness is its own heady reward. In fact, it can be addictive. Some of us look for ways to help others, even if doing so means ignoring our own needs and responsibilities.

We become caregivers in search of people to care for. When we’re asked for help, we jump at the opportunity.

For many of us, the desire to help stems from an inclination to show others we love them. For example, we help family members or close friends because doing so is th...

For others, the desire to help springs from an impulse to play the role of a “white knight,” ...

For still others, helping someone is a way to compensate for a perceived deficit. The gratitude we receive allows us to forget about traits we dislike about ourselves.

you’re not responsible for solving other people’s problems.

You’re responsible for yourself and those who depend on you (e.g. your immediate family).

Rather, the best way to help people over the long run is to ensure you...

In other words, make sure that self-care has a higher priorit...

Burdened with a low self-image, we mistakenly believe our time is worth less than others’ time. We wrongly assume our goals and interests are inferior to other people’s goals and interests. We perceive our value to the world as somehow less than the value offered by those around us.

The good news is that saying no can actually improve your sense of self-worth. The more you do it, the more you’ll come to realize that your time, commitments, and aspirations are just as important as those of the requestor.

saying no with purpose and grace will give you the confidence to move forward in a way that’s consistent with your convictions.

Case in point: do you regularly say yes to people just to appear valuable in their eyes?

But helping people for the wrong reasons will only reinforce a bad habit that’ll eventually cause you to feel bitter and resentful.

That means each time you say yes to something, you tacitly say no to something else.

Emotional bullying occurs when one person makes another feel afraid, angry, or self-conscious for the purpose of achieving his or her ends.

The problem is, capitulating to avoid conflict reinforces the idea that your feelings are less important than those of the other person.

When you waffle in response to a request, you inadvertently welcome increased pressure from the requestor.

The individual asking for your time will take your waffling as a sign of indecision. He or she will recognize that you can be coaxed toward his or her ends, even if that means you risk missing your own deadlines.

The second response eliminates rejection as a possibility. Instead, it justifies your decision as reasoned and practical. The requestor may dislike your decision, but will be more likely to accept it at face value.

Be honest about your reason for turning down the requestor. Resist the temptation to make something up. Not only will you feel guilty for lying, but the requestor is likely to notice your lack of sincerity. And that may cause him or her to become resentful toward you. The best approach is to be direct, honest, and respectful.

You’re showing the requestor that you hold him or her in high enough regard to be candid.

But most importantly, you train yourself to trust your own authority. Rather than lying about your availability and feeling guilty for doing so, you develop a strong sense of personal agency. You learn to rely on your own reasoning when deciding whether to consent to, or turn down, requests and invitations.

By offering the requestor an alternative, you’re showing him or her that you care. You’re also lessening the requestor’s disappointment at hearing you turn down his or her request.

Keep in mind, you don’t owe the requestor alternatives. It’s just an act of goodwill. Nothing more.

According to psychologists, the fear of missing out is serious enough to induce anxiety in many people. It can even be the cause of compulsive behavior, such as checking email and Facebook messages every few minutes.

Most of us struggle with FOMO to some extent. The important thing is to recognize its role in prompting us to say yes without first considering whether doing so is a good idea.

Failing to meet your friend’s expectations can erode the friendship. It can impair the trust and intimacy you share with him or her, and make future conversations tense and even combative.

Fourth, start setting boundaries. If you have a friend who typically reacts poorly when you say no, take him or her aside and discuss the matter. Inform him or her of your feelings, limits, and personal convictions. Be honest with him or her. Explain how catering to others’ needs before your own, particularly given your workload and personal responsibilities, is exhausting and upsetting to you.

A true friend will understand your misgivings and respect your boundaries.