The Chaos of Longing

by K.Y. Robinson

that’s when i learned i had to tempt chaos to feel loved.

we wanted to shrink into ourselves and become invisible. we just wanted to be children.

despair climbed out of my throat when i wasn’t looking and fell on my lap.

we are the abandoned houses of the world— stripped of our humanity, femininity, and autonomy. rocks are thrown at the windows of our souls. we’re expected to stand stoically and dare not flinch.

it will not be love at first sight when you look at me. your eyes and heart must adjust to me. darkness lives here.

it’s easier to lie and spread my legs apart. it is easier to push your head lower than to say what’s going on inside my head.

when you look at me, stars cluster in your eyes but i often wonder if my black holes will swallow them whole because deep down i’m a connoisseur of sabotage.

teach me that love is not war but peacetime in your eyes.

i lie in bed with pen and paper because it never puts on its clothes and leaves—

i never believed in heaven until i felt every star aligned across your skin. you are a galaxy within my graceless grasp.