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September 23 - November 29, 2017
In contrast, if higher-class Americans don’t achieve self-expression through their marriage, plenty of alternative pathways are available.
fulfillment in virtually all groups depends more than in the past on investment in the relationship itself—time, mental bandwidth, effective emotional communication, and so forth.
Part 4 of this book is for those of us who are struggling with or feeling stagnant in our marriage but don’t want to throw in the towel. We want to improve the relationship, and we’re willing to do something about it. Maybe we’re hoping for a quick fix (chapter 9). Maybe we’re hoping to double down in pursuit of the sort of stellar marriage that has become possible in the self-expressive era (chapter 10). Maybe we’re looking for opportunities to relieve some of the pressure for a while so we can get back into a good groove together (chapter 11). Maybe we’re looking for a blend of these
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Guide to all the recommedations in the book
Key Point!
“The time to repair the roof is when the sun is shining.” Stated otherwise: The sooner, the better, even if things are currently going well.
The second assumption is that we’re open to having our spouse perceive us as we really are. The self-expressive marriage revolves around authenticity—around having our spouse develop deep understanding of our current and authentic selves.
“love is a gross exaggeration of the difference between one person and everybody else.”
As such, we can globally idealize our partner without much risk of encountering clear disconfirming evidence, but we are well served to be accurate about our partner’s specific qualities to avoid disappointment as the evidence rolls in.
Such a combination of accurate perception—including of our weaknesses—and nonjudgmental approval places our spouse in a position to help us live an authentic and fulfilling life, challenging us when necessary without making us feel rejected or threatened.
At its core, the all-or-nothing theory of marriage is a supply-and-demand model: Are the two of us investing enough resources—and the right kinds of resources—to meet the needs we’re seeking to fulfill through the marriage?
Key point
demands on our time and psychological resources are not randomly distributed throughout the life cycle.
Our discussion centers around two sets of lovehacks. The first set focuses on countering weaknesses in our marriage and the second focuses on savoring strengths.
Our approach to making attributions in our marriage influences how we feel about the relationship as a whole, ultimately affecting our interactions with our spouse and the long-term quality of the marriage.
“My spouse was late because he is a thoughtless jerk.” “My spouse was late because his crappy car broke down again.” Temporary “My spouse was late because he forgot to set his alarm.” “My spouse was late because he got stuck in traffic.”
Adoption of this third-party perspective can be helpful, but it’s especially useful if we’re able to do so in real time as conflict is brewing.
According to the psychologist Raymond Knee, people with strong destiny beliefs think that partners either are or are not “meant to be.”
People with strong growth beliefs, in contrast, think that partners can cultivate a high-quality relationship by working and growing together.
The science is clear that holding strong destiny beliefs is perilous, and I wouldn’t be surprised if Gilbert’s extreme adherence to such beliefs played a role in her divorces.
“It is easy for people who have never tried to do anything as strange and difficult as being married to say marriage doesn’t matter, or to condemn those who fail at it, or to mock those who even try. But there is so much beauty in the trying, and in the failing, and in the trying again.”
Some couples are excellent at savoring their strengths, whereas others tend to get distracted, failing to appreciate how fortunate they are.
Good point
Rather than separating our spouse from the behavior and treating it as a one-off event, relationships benefit when we link our spouse to the behavior and treat it as generally characteristic of him or her—when we make internal, stable attributions.
And here’s the kicker: Because our own experience of gratitude tends to predict our partner’s warm treatment toward us, our decision to pursue a gratitude-increasing lovehack can increase our partner’s positivity toward us, potentially launching a virtuous cycle of mutual gratitude, kindness, and commitment.
A fourth lovehack for savoring strengths—affectionate touch—is particularly promising for helping our partner look with new eyes. In one experiment, conducted by the psychologists Brittany Jakubiak and Brooke
Feeney, couples watched a video together.
How can spouses build a marriage that doesn’t just survive, but thrives?
“My mission in life is not merely to survive, but to thrive; and to do so with some passion, some compassion, some humor, and some style. Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.”
Good way to live
“individuals thrive . . . when they are able to cope successfully with adversities, not only by being buffered from potentially severe consequences of adversity when it arises, but also by emerging from the experience as a stronger or more knowledgeable person.”
“individuals thrive . . . when they are able to fully participate in opportunities for fulfillment and personal growth through work, play, socializing, learning, discovery, creating, pursuing hobbies, and making meaningful contribution to community and society.”
Given the psychological and physical benefits of a successful marriage, there’s an argument to be made that, where possible, we should make quality time for the marriage even if doing so requires that we transfer to a less stressful job or live in a home with dust bunnies or enroll our kids in fewer activities.
Americans who claim to work thirty-five to fifty-four hours per week tend to overestimate by about five hours per week on average, whereas those who claim to work seventy-five or more hours per week overestimate by about twenty-five hours per week.
If we’re happy to tread water, an attentive hour per month may be sufficient. But if we’re seeking something extraordinary—a profound sense of connection—there’s no substitute for significant dedicated time.
Spouses who spend more time together engaged in actual conversation tend to be happier than those who spend less. Spouses who pursue more leisure activities together—including outdoor activities, sports, card games, and travel—are at reduced risk of divorce.
“Attention is the rarest and purest form of generosity.”
“The first step to take,” he argues, “is to become aware that love is an art, just as living is an art; if we want to learn how to love we must proceed in the same way we have to proceed if we want to learn any other art, say music, painting, carpentry, or the art of medicine or engineering.” Nobody would seek to be successful at playing the violin by waiting for the right instrument to come along, but many of us seek to be successful at relationships by waiting for the right partner to come along.
Four particularly damaging behaviors are criticism (characterizing the conflict in terms of a fundamental flaw in our spouse), defensiveness (counterattacking rather than engaging with our spouse’s concern), contempt (engaging in insulting, mocking, or hostile behavior), and stonewalling (clamming up when our partner raises a concern).
Key things to avoid
“In every good marriage, it helps sometimes to be a little deaf.” Or, in Ginsburg’s own words: “When a thoughtless or unkind word is spoken, best tune out.”
Good advice
Indeed, a key feature of effective communication is understanding when our spouse doesn’t want to talk and, more generally, understanding that he or she is entitled to some privacy.
Understanding involves “comprehending the partner’s core self (e.g., needs, desires, strengths, weaknesses, etc.).” Validation involves “respect for or valuing of the partner’s view of the self.” Caring involves “expressing affection, warmth, and concern for the partner’s well-being.”
Key parts of understanding
Serving as an effective safe haven involves attentive listening, conveying sympathy or empathy, and offering support. Such behavior is critical in predicting our spouse’s recovery from the upsetting circumstance. Indeed, to the extent that we’re responsive when our spouse is upset, he or she is likely to feel happier, more relaxed, and more closely connected to us—and to sleep better at night.
A central pathway through which married couples can hold boredom at bay is to keep things interesting and fun—that is, to play together.
In short, socializing with our spouse and other people can stoke the romantic fire in our marriage, but only if the socializing is fun and intimate.
That’s too bad, because engaging in novel and exciting activities together can keep our relationship fresh, satisfying, and passionate.
Relative to the control condition, both the self-expansion and the comfort manipulations bolstered relationship quality—and by about the same amount (left side of chart), but only the self-expansion manipulation significantly bolstered sexual desire (right side of chart).
Wow! This is a key point for sexual attraction
Sex, with its contrary emphases on expansiveness, imagination, playfulness and a loss of control, must by its very nature interrupt this routine of regulation and self-restraint.
Although more frequent sex is generally linked to greater relationship satisfaction, once per week seems sufficient; more sex than that appears to have no additional benefit. But Loewenstein’s broader insight is profound: Because our spontaneous desire for sex declines as the novelty of the relationship fades, and because life is busy and tiring, many of us fail to initiate sex even when doing so would have been physically pleasurable and emotionally connective—even when we would have been glad we’d done
According to this philosophy, we should strive to be “good, giving, and game,” or GGG. Good means being sexually skilled. Giving means being sexually generous, ensuring that we are giving every bit as much time and pleasure to our partner as he or she is giving to us. Game means being up for anything, within reason.
He wanted the two of them to love and crave each other as they used to, and he was willing to sacrifice his time, money, emotional energy, and self-esteem to get back there. In doing so, he made himself vulnerable to rejection, and he exposed deep flaws in the marriage. That’s a risk of going all in rather than settling, complacently, for an adequate one.
“Relationships can provide us with tremendous benefits, including better mental and physical health,” observe the psychologists Thomas Bradbury and Benjamin Karney. “If you want to reap these benefits, you have to make your relationship a priority in your life. Few of us are lucky enough to have great relationships without putting forth some real effort, over a sustained period of time.”
“He’d agree with you that it’s possible to build a great marriage, but he also feels that the pursuit of ‘great’ often stresses people out and causes more conflict and disappointment than it resolves.”
Good point!
