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The bottom line was her body had never shown so much as a flicker of sexual interest in anyone. But that didn’t mean she liked being alone. That didn’t mean she wasn’t lonely. That didn’t mean she didn’t want romance and didn’t want to fall in love. It didn’t mean she couldn’t love someone just as fiercely as they loved her.
Sex, Alice had decided, was like jogging. All the people in the world could say it’s so amazing and great for you, but if you don’t care about jogging, you’d rather spend your time with a Netflix queue and a box of doughnuts.
Orgasms, Alice had decided, were like stretching after exercising. It felt amazing in the moment, but who really thought about that perfect stretch two hours later? She certainly didn’t.
“First of all”—Feenie pointed at her—“you are not broken and I don’t ever want to hear that again. Second, being attracted to one person doesn’t necessarily change who you are. Maybe you’re graysexual instead of straight up ace. There’s just something about the way Takumi’s genetic code arranged his face and body that appeals to your brain chemistry. It’s insta-lust. Enjoy it for what it is.”
In spite of everything, Feenie had acknowledged she was still on the spectrum where she felt most at home.
Alice’s inability to say “being asexual” plagued her. The words formed but lodged themselves in her throat. One night she had stood in front of the mirror repeating, “I’m asexual,” over and over again. She had thought that if she could get used to hearing it, she’d accept it as truth faster. Alice knew it had made sense. She could check off all the little boxes. But she wasn’t sure it was a title that she had necessarily wanted everyone else to know.
A common misconception is the difference between arousal and attraction. Arousal is a physiological response, whereas attraction is an experience, and they are not mutually exclusive.
Asexuality isn’t something that’s black or white. There is a multitude of shades of gray in between. Being potentially sexually attracted to one particular person isn’t as outlandish as you’ve convinced yourself it is.
Everyone talks about sex like it’s the greatest thing ever in the history of all the things, and I don’t get it. I kept waiting to want to do it, to not have to be convinced all the time, to even think about it and it just never happens.
I’m not trying to trivialize anyone else and what they have to do, but if I go to my parents and say I’m a lesbian, they would know what I meant. If I went to my siblings and said I’m bisexual, they would know what I meant. If I tell anyone I’m asexual, they’re going to look at me like there’s something wrong. They’re going to tell me to go to a doctor. They’re going to tell me I’m too young to know what I want or I’m still developing. Or they’ll tell me how important sex is to finding a good man. Or they’ll think they can fix me, that I’m lying because I don’t want to sleep with them. It’s
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I want what books and TV and the world has promised me. It’s not fair that I should have to want sex to have it.
I’m afraid I don’t have the kind of answer you’re looking for.” He folded his hands, placing them in his lap. Calm. Serene. “This isn’t something where I can tell you to go read a book and it will methodically list the steps of how to come out. It is a personal and individualized experience. My advice to you is to be prepared to educate. It may feel unfair that the onus of that responsibility will fall on you, but when most people think the A stands for Ally, you will have to speak louder, with bravery and dignity, to be heard. You will have to be willing to inform and to educate. And you will
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Cheating on someone was one of those things she was destined to never understand. Choosing to not have sex with someone else didn’t seem like that hard of a concept to grasp, and yet she had comforted more than one person who had been cheated on.
Her secret shouldn’t even have been one—it should have been a nonissue. Why couldn’t being asexual just be accepted? Why did she have to spend the rest of her life coming out over and over and over…? And once she did, would people always expect her to talk about it? It would always be a huge deal, she would always be subjected to questions, and she would always have to defend herself. Would it ever stop feeling like A Thing, a barrier, between her and everyone else?
“This should go without saying, but I’m going to say it anyway, partly because I want to, but also because I think you need to hear it. If knowing you’re asexual makes someone see you differently, then they don’t deserve to be in your life. My feelings for you are exactly the same as they were an hour ago. This doesn’t change anything between us.”
