Let's Talk About Love

by Claire Kann

When we have sex, it’s because I want to. You never initiate it.

I can’t be with someone who doesn’t desire me.

You could never love me as much as I would love you.

Several hugs and probably an hour of silent cuddling. Alice (a steadfast believer in the power of hugs) loved affection but knew it wasn’t everyone’s cup of tea.

Made her believe she could have it. Feeling stupid didn’t even cover it.

What made sex so integral that people couldn’t separate the emotional love they felt from one physical act?

Love was intangible. Universal. It was whatever someone wanted it to be and should be respected as such.

staying up late and talking about nothing and everything and anything because you didn’t want to sleep—you’d miss them too much.

catching yourself smiling at them because wow, how does this person exist?? before they caught you. It was the intimacy of shared secrets. T...

“Adoration and continuous compliments are how I express my affections.”

it weren’t on her calendar to remind her, she would most likely forget to do the thing.

spoke to her instantly—one single word: minimalist.

Why can’t I find someone who loves being with me, as is, as much as I love being with them? Romantically. Am I asking for too much?”

“I’m tired of putting myself out there,”

Soulmates are real. God says so. Watch, one day you’ll find yours and you’re going to remember this moment and finally begin to respect

He has a plan for us all.”

that didn’t mean she liked being alone. That didn’t mean she wasn’t lonely. That didn’t mean she didn’t want romance and didn’t want to fall in love.

“You okay?” “Yeah. Peachy.”

She had dreams about this level of cute. They were never supposed to manifest into reality.

(This was where she had begun to perfect the art of playing along.)

Alice had been trying to sort out the difference between romantic attraction (which she felt) and sexual attraction (which she didn’t).

teacher, who then said the word: asexual.

Everything had finally made sense. And had given Alice a whole new set of challenges.

“Like I was stupid. I’m serious! Don’t look at me like that. My mind went completely blank and filled up with white noise.”

The Cutie CodeTM was a fun game, but it was also a system used for critical analysis—Alice’s way of processing the different kinds of attraction everyone else seemed to experience.

It was about feeling—the level of emotions it could evoke from her, how likely it would be to make her squee, and most important, how did her body physically respond to it.

“How could this happen?” Alice wailed. “He didn’t even touch me.” “Sometimes it just happens,” Feenie said, tone still soft. “For me, I just have to be in the mood. Ryan will look at me and it’s go time.”

Everything is going to be okay. Try not to think about it for now.” “Okay. I won’t.” “Love you.” Alice adored the way Feenie said good-bye. It was always some variation of “I love you.”

When was the last time she had ever been this fascinated by the look of a person? If ever?

I’m not interested in romance right now.” (Or dating.) (Or love.) (Or being happy, apparently.)

The curious Takumi-induced nervous energy made her hands shake, her throat tight, and her heartbeat echo inside her ears. All she wanted to do was let it out.

A severe hot flash ripped through her, level: wildfire.

The Look. The one a person used when they tried to figure out if they liked what they saw enough to date.

Orgasms, Alice had decided, were like stretching after exercising. It felt amazing in the moment,

“This happened for a reason. As the love of my life likes to say, The universe is speaking to you.”

I only get one shot, it all goes to shit, and I go back to feeling nothing and thinking I’m broken. I finally feel balanced. I don’t want to lose that.”

“First of all”—Feenie pointed at her—“you are not broken and I don’t ever want to hear that again.

being attracted to one person doesn’t necessarily change who you are.

You can’t let one or two bad experiences stop you from being happy.

If Alice was truly attracted to Takumi, what did that mean for her?

She looked at Takumi and her brain short-circuited.

She needed structure. Rules. Method.

Alice knew it had made sense. She could check off all the little boxes. But she wasn’t sure it was a title that she had necessarily wanted everyone else to know.

She won’t ever desire you, regardless of how much she likes you.

Alice didn’t feel sexual attraction when the rest of the world did? It was Alice’s secret.

The head rush of eye contact hit her hard—Alice felt warm all over, her face blazing from the intensity.

“If you could not tell anyone I said that, it’d be stellar.”

Stellar. Oh, what a cute word that was. “It’ll be our secret,” she promised. “Thanks.” “You’re very, very welcome.”

“Nothing worth talking about.”

“Everything is worth talking about with you.”