The Odyssey

by Homer

We were so near, we saw men tending fires.

JUST KEEP YOUR EYES OPEN PLEASE

we came to Laestrygonia—the

Ahh yes the canadians

Hearing, the mighty Laestrygonians thronged from all sides, not humanlike, but giants.

If i had to guess youre headed to the land of the giants

The rest, trapped in the bay together, were destroyed.

So no ruthlessness :(

I led one, and made Eurylochus command the other.

oh gods not eurylochus

Then Polites, my most devoted and most loyal man,

POLITES HOW IVE MISSED YOU

She led them in, sat them on chairs, and blended them a potion of barley, cheese, and golden honey, mixed with Pramnian wine.

Shes got you dont worry circes got you now

We heard a voice: a woman or a goddess

A woman. what ?

Hurry, we must escape with these men here! We have a chance to save our lives!’

LOOK AT ALL WEVE LOST AND ALL WEVE LEARNED

Its magic will not work on you because 290 you have the herb I gave you.

HOLY MOLY

She will be frightened of you, and will tell you to sleep with her.

There are other ways of persuasion ??

The gods call this plant Moly.

!!!

‘Fools! Why would you go up there? Why would you choose to take on so much danger, to enter Circe’s house, where she will turn us to pigs or wolves or lions, all of us, forced to protect her mighty house for her?

Eurylochus you are getting far too comfortable. They would not be here if it werent for you

Our friends went to his home with this rash lord of ours. Because of his bad choices, they all died.’

YOURE NOT SUPPOSED TO HAVE THIS REALISATION FOR TWO MORE SAGAS MY GUY GET IN LINE

I thought of drawing my long sword from by my sturdy thigh, to cut his head off

missed opportunity if you ask me

Eurylochus did not stay there; he came, fearing my angry scolding.

As he should

Go to the house of Hades and the dreadful Persephone, and ask the Theban prophet, the blind Tiresias, for his advice.

TIRESIAS YAY

He fell down crashing headlong from the roof, and broke his neck, right at the spine. His spirit 560 went down to Hades.

ELPENOR NOOOO

Eurylochus and Perimedes made the sacrifice.

Give me that baby an id yeet it off a tower !!

I fell headfirst; my neck was broken from my spine.

I died. And nobody noticed. I died. And nobody cared

But if you hurt those cows, I see disaster for your ship and for your men.

SEE EURYLOCHUS

No, it was missing you, Odysseus, my sunshine; your sharp mind, and your kind heart. That took sweet life from me.’

WAITING. ODYSSEUS WHEN YOU COME HOME ILL BE WAITING.

Three times I tried, longing to touch her. But three times her ghost flew from my arms, like shadows or like dreams.

Homer what the hell.

Then came the spirits of Achilles and Patroclus

Of COURSE they show up together

we quickly reached the island of the god, Hyperion’s son Helius, the Sun God.

This is the home of the sun god !!

Meanwhile, Eurylochus proposed a foolish plan.

Yeah whos suprised

Zeus made a mass of dark-blue storm cloud hang above our ship. The sea grew dark beneath it.

*cue electric guitar*

Zeus thundered and hurled bolts to strike the ship; shaken, it filled with sulfur. All the men fell overboard, and they were swept away like seagulls on the waves beside the ship. The gods prevented them from reaching home.

What so no song ? No cocky gloating ? No dramatic choice for our protagonist ?

So I kept clinging on; I hoped Charybdis would belch my mast and keel back up. She did!

HOOOOLDING ON TILL I SEE IT THROUGH TILL IVE BEATEN YOU

He woke the son of Nestor with a kick,

Best buds

we are age-mates, and this trip has made us even more intimate.

Oh ????

from there they steered towards the Needle Islands, still unsure if they would die.

sorry what why

Sex sways all women’s minds, even the best of them.

Woahh wild thing to say eumaeus i thought you were based

Meanwhile, Telemachus drew near the mainland.

Why doesnt he get to go on a telemachyssey

Eurymachus may die a dreadful death before that marriage.”

Subtle forshadowing #2

wish I were the son 100 of great Odysseus—or that I were the man himself come home from wandering.

;)

Telemachus said soberly,

I love that there is always an adjective to describe how he says things and its always angsty

Telemachus hurled his arms round his father, and he wept.

MY SON IM FINALLY HOME

And when he realized Odysseus was near, he wagged his tail, and both his ears dropped back. He was too weak to move towards his master.

WHAT NO

Twenty years had passed since Argos saw Odysseus, and now he saw him for the final time— then suddenly, black death took hold of him.

NOOOO

hunger brings such suffering to humans.

Ody knows this firsthand

The others helped him out and filled his bag; Antinous hurled a footstool at his shoulder.”

This is an objectively funny way to phrase it

“Call the stranger! My son just sneezed at what I said—you heard? It is a sign of death for all the suitors;

my delusional queen

Antinous, that saintly lord,

I would use lots of words to describe this dude but saintly is not one of them

revealing massive thighs and mighty shoulders, enormous chest and sturdy arms.

Homer stop simping

Then he hurled a footstool at Odysseus,

stop throwing chairs at the king you bozo

This is typical of Mother!

Tele you should try tumblr and skinny jeans

Her muscular, firm hand picked up the ivory handle of the key—

Muscular and firm is correct #penelopestan

Go up and work 350 with loom and distaff; tell your girls the same. The bow is work for men, especially me. I am the one with power in this house.”

Ok tele im not having this attitude why are you so douchey

he leapt upon the threshold with his bow and quiverfull of arrows,

if i had to guess id say for 20 years hes suffered every punishment and pain, from the wrath of gods and monsters to the screams of comrades slain