Uninvited: Living Loved When You Feel Less Than, Left Out, and Lonely

by Lysa TerKeurst

When a man is physically present but emotionally absent, a girl’s heart can feel quite hollow and helpless.

The beliefs we hold should hold us up even when life feels like it’s falling apart.

The mind feasts on what it focuses on. What consumes my thinking will be the making or the breaking of my identity.

The most beautiful love story ever written is the one you were made to live with God.

Before signing her name she wrote, “Live loved.”

I’m going to get into a funk, because that’s what I do. I will feel put off, and then I will put on that ratty robe of rejection and wear it all day long. But I don’t want to keep being a slave to my runaway emotions and assumptions. I don’t want my days to be dictated by the moods of other people. And I really don’t want the rejections of my past feeding my propensity to feel rejected today.

The LORD your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing. (ZEPHANIAH 3:17 ESV)

But when given from a heart whose real motivation is what I’m hoping I’ll get in return, it’s not really love at all. That’s not the answer. Giving with strings of secret expectations attached is the greatest invitation to heartbreak. That’s not love. That’s manipulation.

He’s into the slower rhythms of life, like abiding, delighting, and dwelling—all words that require us to trust Him with our place and our pace.

God’s love isn’t based on me. It’s simply placed on me. And it’s the place from which I should live … loved.

Proximity and activity don’t always equal connectivity.

I can’t expect any other person to be my soul oxygen. I can’t live as if my next breath depends on whether or not they give me enough air for my lungs not to be screaming in pain. Because here’s the thing. People don’t mind doing CPR on a crisis victim, but no person is equipped to be the constant lifeline to another.

After all, people will not respect us more than we respect ourselves.

Do I walk into situations prepared with the fullness of God in me, free to look for ways to bless others? Or … Do I walk into situations empty and dependent on others to look for ways to bless me?

For this reason I kneel before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth derives its name. I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. (Ephesians 3:14–19)

But what happens when we live God’s way? He brings gifts into our lives, much the same way that fruit appears in an orchard—things like affection for others, exuberance about life, serenity. We develop a willingness to stick with things, a sense of compassion in the heart, and a conviction that a basic holiness permeates things and people. We find ourselves involved in loyal commitments, not needing to force our way in life, able to marshal and direct our energies wisely. Legalism is helpless in bringing this about; it only gets in the way. Among those who belong to Christ, everything connected with getting our own way and mindlessly responding to what everyone else calls necessities is killed off for good—crucified. Since this is the kind of life we have chosen, the life of the Spirit, let us make sure that we do not just hold it as an idea in our heads or a sentiment in our hearts, but work out its implications in every detail of our lives. (THE MESSAGE)

The more fully we invite God in, the less we will feel uninvited by others.

Acceptance is like an antibiotic that prevents past rejections from turning into present-day infections.

Rejection piggybacks on physical pain pathways in the brain. MRI studies show that the same areas of the brain become activated when we experience rejection as when we experience physical pain. This is why rejection hurts so much (neurologically speaking). In fact our brains respond so similarly to rejection and physical pain that Tylenol reduces the emotional pain rejection elicits. In a study testing the hypothesis that rejection mimics physical pain, researchers gave some participants acetaminophen (Tylenol) before asking them to recall a painful rejection experience. The people who received Tylenol reported significantly less emotional pain than subjects who took a sugar pill.

But if I choose to trust that this is God’s protection for me and God’s provision for her, it all lands in the good category. In that, I can be all for giving this opportunity to her. I can be all for giving God the trust He so absolutely deserves. I can be all for giving myself space to back down, back away, and back off all the crazy emotions stealing my attention from the other gifts right in front of me today. Instead of rejection, I can actually rejoice. This assignment wasn’t meant for me. When I am for giving, I set us both up for winning. She gets the assignment she was made to carry. I’m freed up for other better-suited assignments tailor-made for me. And neither of us gets caught in the wake of weird emotions stemming from me feeling rejected and bitter.

people who live with an abundance mentality, who operate out of a deep knowing of their immeasurable worth, live loved.

When she does well, we all do well. All tides rise when we see a sister making this world a better place with her gifts.

There is an abundant need in this world for your exact brand of beautiful.

1. One Rejection Is Not a Projection of Future Failures

2. Rejection Doesn’t Label You; It Enables You to Adjust and Move On

Pessimists don’t want to stay stuck in this downward spiral, but they feel swallowed up by the emotional shame of rejection. You can only stop the spiral by replacing the labels. Fill in the blank: This rejection doesn’t mean I’m [whatever negative label or shame-filled feeling you are having]. It makes this [opportunity] [person] [desire] a wrong fit for me right now. Instead of letting the feelings from this situation label me, I’m going to focus on God and His promises for good things. Those who look to him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame. (PSALM 34:5)

3. This Could Be an Invitation to Live in Expectation of Something Else

4. There Is Usually Some Element of Protection Wrapped in Every Rejection

Into that space of not understanding, we simply must state, “God, I don’t understand this situation. But I do understand Your goodness to me. I thank You for the protection that is part of this rejection even when I can’t see it. I trust You.”

5. It’s Good to Ask the “What” Questions but Less Helpful to Ask “Why”

“What” questions increase our ability to become more self-aware, while “why” questions only focus on things out of our control.

What is one good thing I’ve learned from this? What was a downside to this situation that I can be thankful is no longer my burden to carry? What were the unrealistic expectations I had, and how can I better manage these next time? What do I need to do to boost my courage to pursue future opportunities? What is one positive change I could make in my attitude about the future? What are some lingering negative feelings about this situation that I need to pray through and shake off to be better prepared to move forward? What is one thing God has been asking me to do today to make tomorrow easier?

6. Don’t Hash, Bash, or Trash on the Internet. Remember, the Internet Never Forgets.

7. There’s Much More to You than the Part That Was Rejected

8. What One Person Sees as Your Liability, Another Might See as a Wonderful Asset

9. This Is a Short-Term Setback, Not a Permanent Condition

10. Don’t Let This Heartbreak Destroy You. Let This Breaking Actually Be the Making of You. Let God Use It in Good Ways to Make You Stronger and Take You Further.

God isn’t afraid of your sharp edges that may seem quite risky to others. He doesn’t pull back. He pulls you close.

Inspiration and information without personal application will never amount to transformation.

Pain is the invitation for God to move in and replace our faltering strength with His.

On the other side of every hardship is a resurrection.

The spotlight never fixes our insecurities. It only magnifies what we thought popularity would cover up.