I Hear You: The Surprisingly Simple Skill Behind Extraordinary Relationships

by Michael S. Sorensen

It’s important to note that this is not the same as saying “you’re right” or “I agree.” You can validate any emotion in any situation as long as you understand the other person’s perspective.

If someone is distraught, angry, or concerned, validating them is your best chance at getting them to be receptive to feedback.

Validation, in contrast, focuses on the emotion the other person has just expressed.

Effective validation requires empathy and emotional understanding, and therefore extends beyond simple reflective listening. We need to do more than just show others we hear the words they are speaking; we need to show them we’re connecting with the emotions they’re feeling.

Matching another person’s energy is a critical part of effective validation. If the person is excited, then smile, laugh, and share in the thrill. If the person is sad, then be respectful and speak in a softer, more compassionate manner.

Tell the truth. Resist the urge to lie to make someone feel better. Instead, acknowledge the truth, validate their emotions, then provide comfort and assurance in step 3.

Absolutes are terms such as “always,” “never,” “constantly,” etc. If your feedback includes an observation of a habit or tendency, it can be tempting to say “you always do this” or “you never do that!”

Claiming that someone “always” does something is equally false.

The phrase “you always do this” can become “you do this often.” The statement “you never clean up after yourself” can become “you rarely clean up after yourself.” Notice again how these simple changes immediately soften the harsh edges of the feedback.

“Be generous with encouragement. It is verbal sunshine; it warms hearts, costs nothing, and enriches lives.” – Nicky Gumbel