Spirit Witch (The Lazy Girl's Guide To Magic, #3)

by Helen Harper

Despite my efforts to teach him, he wouldn’t learn the joy of simply doing nothing. Winter had to be busy.

I spun around once more. Maidmont squinted, apparently baffled by my repeated changes of direction. Truth be told, I was starting to feel rather dizzy myself.

He laughed slightly. ‘You’re the craziest person I know.’ He paused. ‘And I love you for it.’

I make a point of avoiding dress codes, especially when they are for dinner. What on earth is the point of getting dressed up to eat? I can eat on my sofa in my ancient stained tracksuit with the frayed cuffs and hole in the knee and the food will still taste the same.

‘What is your name?’ ‘Ivy.’ ‘Ha! Figures.’ I narrowed my eyes. ‘Why?’ ‘It’s a ground-creeping plant which insinuates itself everywhere and is next to impossible to kill.’

‘You black-hearted guttersnipe.’ Winter tilted his head to one side. ‘Guttersnipe? If I’m a guttersnipe, then surely you are a cabbage-headed fribble.’ ‘I’ve never heard of a fribble before,’ I commented. ‘I’m going to assume it doesn’t mean supreme being of gorgeousness.’ ‘That would be a correct assumption.’ He eyed me. ‘Not bad for a cow-handed gadabout.’ Darn it, he was much better at insults than I was.

Arse. Weren’t evil villains supposed to be numbskulls with no brain cells to rub together? Why did I get the smart one?

There was a ghost standing on the table in front of me and pissing into my food.

When I die, I expect copious weeping. In fact, not just weeping but renting of clothes and gnashing of teeth.

I guessed that, like her, her neighbours were concerned with appearances and were houseproud. There is nothing wrong with that, of course. Cleanliness is next to godliness, whatever that means.

Then I deepened my voice. ‘“Raphael Winter. That’s Adeptus Exemptus Raphael Winter to you. Arcane Branch. That’s Arcane Branch in the Hallowed Order of Magical Enlightenment. I take my coffee black and strong. And I glower at everyone who dares to look at me without receiving permission first. And I enjoy venturing into buildings where there’s a good chance I might get blown up.”’

Then he let his body sag and his shoulders slump. ‘ “Ivy,”’ he mumbled in a higher-pitched tone than normal. ‘“Can’t be bothered to form sentences or to shake hands with you because it’s too much effort.”’ He froze. ‘“Wait,”’ he said with a sudden toss of his hair, ‘“do I smell pizza?”’

‘It wasn’t mean,’ I said finally. ‘It was honest. We know each other very well. I suppose what we’re really saying is that we know the worst about each other and it doesn’t matter. We accept each other for who we are, regardless of our faults.’

Not exploding was always on my daily to-do list. Let’s hope today wasn’t going to be any different.

I was glad no one else was around to realise that I was conducting a phone conversation with my cat. I’d been talking to Brutus for years but even I felt ridiculous doing this.

‘I wouldn’t have stayed away if it wasn’t important,’ I told him. ‘And you had Eve. You like her. And Princess Parma Periwinkle.’ His tail began to flick dangerously from side to side. ‘Love Ivy,’ he said. My heart melted.

There, across my entire wall, sprayed in cat pee was the word ‘bitch’. In the corner, the old cobweb-covered woman appeared. She craned her neck, took in the full effect of what Brutus had achieved and started to cackle loudly.

‘Nulls,’ he said. ‘People who are entirely unaffected by magic. It doesn’t matter what you throw at them or how powerful a witch you are, they’re immune.’ ‘Immune to magic?’

The trouble is that absence of evidence doesn’t equate to evidence of absence.’

‘Thank fuck,’ Brutus said. ‘We need to depart this hellhole tout suite.’

Arse. Double arse. Triple arse. Arsing hell with an arsing cherry on top for effort. This was very bad.

I licked my lips and we smiled at each other gleefully, as if we were Bonnie and Clyde. There was definitely a thrill in breaking the law, even if it was done with the best of intentions.

‘We’re heroes,’ I said aloud. Winter shot me a look. ‘With massive egos.’

‘Ivy Wilde,’ he breathed. ‘I’m head over heels in love with you.’ I beamed.

Then I blinked as I realised what I’d been thinking. I completely certain we were going to grow old together. Well, well, well.

‘This is my lucky pen. Use this one.’ Only a librarian would have a lucky pen. I smiled sadly at him. ‘Thank you.’

‘I’m not going anywhere,’ I told him. ‘I’ll be that dead weight holding you down. The ball and chain tied to your ankle. The bad smell that follows you everywhere you go.’ Winter suddenly flashed me a smile. It was so fleeting I almost missed it. ‘Thank goodness.’

Every time I was in a life-or-death situation, I started to think I should lead a healthier lifestyle. The trick was to start avoiding life-or-death situations.

Tarquin shrieked and dropped him. ‘You little furry bastard!’ ‘You big slimy bitch,’ Brutus answered.