Read Between the Lines: From the Diary of a Teenage Mom

by Jenelle Evans

Some people live through misery. They are only satisfied when everything, and everyone, around them are broken.

I find God in everything I see and the people I meet. I see God in my kids, in my family, and in our love for one another. Not in a building.

Again, my worth is diminished because I am alone. I am worthless. I am unloved. But more importantly, I am incapable of being loved because I am worthless and alone. See the cycle? It took years of beating myself up and a few really abusive relationships to finally break out of this way of thinking. I hope my kids never feel like that. I will try to help them understand they are valuable just as they are. They are loved just as they are. They are beautiful just as they are.

That’s the thing about looking at something years later. You see it with a more experienced eye, and a boatload of understanding. I wished I could go back to my younger self and say, hang in there! This pain will go away.

I began to come to terms with my choices, both bad and good. My life, I realized, was a collection of decisions and results. I had made them all. Sure, some of them were influenced by others, but in the end I was responsible for them. I decided I was responsible for my own life, and I wouldn’t let anyone else take charge of it again. At least, I thought I wouldn’t.

How many times has a moment of joy flipped like a coin into sorrow simply because of something you saw on social media?

Toxic relationships only end up poisoning you. It’s like the late stages of some tricky disease. You think you’re getting better but in reality, you’re just moving to a whole new level of fucked up.

Emily Dickenson said it best: The heart wants what it wants, or else it does not care.

I always give the toxic people in my life a million chances. Chances to hurt me. Chances to shame me. Chances to break my heart.

In therapy, I discovered that being bipolar wasn’t about how you felt all of the time versus how depressed you became. It was about highs and lows. Even though I ended up not being truly bipolar, I talk a lot about highs and lows in this list. I think everyone goes through those cycles.

We are all flawed creatures. We are all human.