Dear Aaron

by Mariana Zapata

AHall80: You’re something else RubyMars: Something good? AHall80: Very good

AHall80: :) RubyMars: That’s the first real smiley face you’ve given me. AHall80: Nah AHall80: You haven’t seen the rest

How the hell could I let anything happen to the one person who’s made me laugh when it was the last thing I wanted to do?”

Those brown eyes swept over my face, and he squeezed my knees again before planting his feet flat. He started straightening, his face pausing while he was still eye level with me when he said way too evenly, “You could’ve told me your mom and sister are the ugly ones in the family.”

I had no idea right then that, for as long as my soul resided in my body and I could reminisce on the best parts of my life, I’d remember how Aaron Hall leaned forward and wrapped those long, tan arms around my back and pulled me into his chest. Me who was still on the bench. The way he hugged the hell out of me would be something that sickness and death could never take away.

“You said you never really smiled while you were over there.” “I don’t usually smile so much,”

“I’m really damn happy to see you, Ruby.” His voice was quiet, not hesitant but more cautious. “I look at you and I can’t stop smiling. That’s all. You’re adorable.”

Looking back on it, it’s weird thinking about the moments you don’t realize are important. The sentences, the touches, the actions that seem so innocent in that second, you take them for granted. The words that make water into wine in the course of your life. But I would never forget the way his words made me feel. The way he made me feel right then.

If you need me, any hour, wake me, all right?

“I think I want to wake up every day and watch this,” I whispered to him, pulling my knees into my chest so I could settle my chin on top of them. “It would be worth waking up early for.” And all Aaron said, in his low, soft-spoken voice that he’d been using on me since yesterday, with something in the notes I couldn’t classify that sounded almost like hope, if hope had a sound and if a promise could be made without vocalizing it, was, “Any morning you want, Rube. I’ll watch it with you.”

“You don’t even know how much I needed your e-mails, Ruby.” There was a pause. “I didn’t even know how much I needed your e-mails.”

“I was a goner from the first time you gave me hell.” Aaron smiled. “Maybe even before then.”

“You are so goddamn special, Ruby. I’ll tell you every day if I have to.”

The next thing I knew, you were telling me about some dick kissing you and it pissed me off more than anything ever had before.”

“You’re not crazy. You’re the best, and you deserve better than me, but I hope you don’t care.”

“You think I’d do for anybody else what I do for you?”

You’re my Ruby, and you have been for a long time.”

What was love if it wasn’t just a single word people used to try and describe something that wasn’t easily explained or grown in one action or declaration?

Telling someone you loved them didn’t mean you’d end up together. It was just a freaking word.

Right before he kissed each of my cheeks with that perfect mouth, he said, “Have I told you today how happy I am you’re here?”

“You’re my Ruby girl.

“I’m not going anywhere. Today or tomorrow.

Everything that is important and good and worthwhile, takes time.

Just looking at you makes me happy. Listening to you makes me happy.

In my gut, as we lived in the moment, I knew I could never or would never forget the way he smiled at me as I sat on his lap. How his hand felt on the side of my thigh. How his eyes looked at me the way I’d always wanted to be looked at, like my heart was surrounded by bees and my skin covered in butterflies.

“Like I’d ever tell you I don’t want to see you.”

Aaron: Have I told you today how happy I am you got stuck with me?