A Mind at Home with Itself: How Asking Four Questions Can Free Your Mind, Open Your Heart, and Turn Your World Around

by Byron Katie

The truth is that your partner is your mirror. He or she always reflects you back to yourself. If you think there’s a flaw in him, that flaw is in you. It has to be in you, because he’s nothing more than your story. You are always what you judge him to be in the moment. There’s no exception to this. You are your own suffering. You are your own happiness. People think that relationships will make them happy, but you can’t get happiness from another person; you can’t get it from anywhere outside you. What we usually think of as a relationship is two belief systems that come together to validate that there is something outside you that can bring you happiness. And when you believe that that’s true, growing beyond your common belief system means losing the other person, because that’s what you had together. So if you move forward, you leave this old belief system behind in what you call the other person, and then you feel it as separation and pain. The only relationship that is ever going to be meaningful is the relationship you have with yourself. When you love yourself, you love the person you’re always with. But unless you love yourself, you won’t be comfortable with someone else, because he or she is going to challenge your belief system, and until you question your beliefs, you’ve got to make war to defend them. So much for the relationship! People make these unspoken contracts with each other and promise that they won’t ever mess with the other person’s belief system, an...