The Velvet Rage: Overcoming the Pain of Growing Up Gay in a Straight Man's World

by Alan Downs

Since the key to passion is hidden in joy, it’s necessary to understand something about the primary emotion of joy. Like all other primary emotions, joy is a behavior within the body. Most commonly, it is described as the feeling of painless lightness within the body.

The skill of creating and prolonging joy has three parts: • Make yourself vulnerable to joy. • Notice when you feel joy. • Repeat the behaviors that create joy.

The first step in creating joy is to put yourself in the most likely state for joy to occur. For most of us, this state includes having plenty of rest, appropriate nutrition, and a safe environment.

A common problem among people who report that they don’t feel joy, or have lost the joy that they once felt, is that they are physically tired and overly stressed. It doesn’t matter how much joy you may have experienced while writing if your new job is so stressful that you haven’t been able to sleep for days. The writing that once brought you joy is likely in this state of exhaustion to feel like a tedious chore.

To increase your experience of joy, it is helpful to mindfully notice when you are feeling joy. Make it a point to notice your feelings throughout the day. Sometimes using a diary can help with this task. When you feel some joy, even if it is slight, notice what you are doing at the moment and where you are. By recording the behavior and environment in which joy naturally occurs for you, you are better equipped to make yourself feel joy in the future by putting yourself in the same kind of situation again.

A gay man can easily confuse joy with the satisfaction of validation. He may mistake the warm feeling of having other men notice him, perhaps when he works out at the gym or when he enters the room at a party, as joy. Or he may assume that the feeling after the applause of the audience following his performance or the rave review of a critic is joy. While there may be some joy felt in both these situations, there is a difference in experiencing authentic joy and the temporary satisfaction that comes from validation. Joy emerges from inside you and is intrinsically generated. Validation is most often an external event that comes from other people. While external events can trigger the internal experience of joy, it is eas...

Of course, joy and validation are not always opposed to each other and often occur simultaneously. Eventually, as the gay man structures his life around the pursuit of joy, he becomes surrounded with people who validate his behavior. The key difference, however, is that the pursuit of joy is the primary objective, and validation comes only as a secondary benefit.

Love, like passion, is also a meta-emotion and is the second essential component of finding contentment in life. Also like passion, love is felt only after noticing the ongoing experience of joy.

While passion is about feeling joy in an activity, love is about noticing joy in the presence of another person. When the experience of another person regularly stimulates joy within us, we begin to feel we love that person.

When the gay man begins to truly experience love, it is because he is mindful of the subtleties in his partner that bring him joy. A look, a smile, a laugh, a walk, a touch. These consistently bring him joy and pleasure.

Integrity really cuts to the core of the struggle of the gay man, meaning integrate all parts of oneself, or more formally, the state of being undivided.

So practiced are we at hiding unpleasant truths, no matter how small or large, we easily slip back into old, familiar habits. Integrity becomes a mindful practice for the gay man who chooses to maintain it. He cannot rely on the momentum of his past nor his own intentions to make integrity a regular part of his life. He must consciously attend to all the ways in which he can maintain integrity.

Being clear and straightforward about who we are, what we want from others, and our intentions is the cornerstone of integrity.

Even at times when it seems smart to not be completely honest or forthcoming, integrity necessitates that we act against this urge. Not only does this action build our own sense of self-worth (i.e., “who I am is worth presenting to the world”), it also builds fulfilling and emotionally healthy relationships.

We all know intellectually that changing our circumstances doesn’t change us on the inside, and yet we often cling to the fantasy that the big change—a new job, making a lot of money, a new boyfriend, or a new city—will be just the ticket. It rarely is. Every day, every decision we make presents us with the opportunity to choose differently. It is here, in the daily practice of choosing contentment over others’ approval, valuing inner peace above all, and living by our values instead of our feelings, that we change for the better.

The man I would become Skill: When faced with an important life decision, ask yourself: “What would the man I wish to become do in this situation?” Take a moment and listen carefully to what your heart tells you, and after careful consideration, act on it.

Inner peace above all else Skill: When trying to decide between two or more options in life, honestly assess which option is most likely to contribute to your own inner peace. Choose the option that holds the greatest promise of bringing you peace in the long term.

Never react while feeling an intense emotion Skill: When feeling an intense emotion, ALWAYS delay taking action until after the emotion has subsided. Rarely do we make the best choices when under the influence of intense emotion, and worse, it is at those moments that we are often convinced that we are absolutely right and must take action immediately. Notice the feeling and immediately take whatever steps you can to allow the emotion to subside before acting. Write the e-mail, but save it rather than send it. Don’t pick up the phone. Refuse to make the purchase. Walk away from the conversation. Do nothing until the emotion has diminished.

Contentment over approval Skill: Choose those investments in life that contribute to your sense of feeling contentment, rather than those investments of your time and energy that promise to earn you the acceptance or approval of others.

Since we were young boys, most of us were heavily focused on winning the acceptance of others to compensate for that inner feeling of being unacceptable, perhaps even unlovable. As men, we can continue this pattern by choosing careers, partners, and friends based on what we imagine will make us more acceptable to others rather than those things that are intrinsically rewarding to us.

contentment is created when your behavior is consistent with your values.

Accept reality on reality’s terms Skill: When life doesn’t turn out the way you want, stop insisting that it not be so. This is a skill that is rarely practiced once and accomplished successfully; rather, it requires repeated use until you finally relinquish the demand that life be something different than what it is.

“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.”

what “should be” is always “what is.” In other words, the speaker was stating that there really are no “should’s” in the world, only what is. The “shoulds” are fantasies, large and small, and are not reality—they do not exist.

“Yes, but isn’t there something to be said for being dissatisfied with the status quo and reaching for something higher?” This is the dialectic (two seemingly opposing truths that don’t necessarily cancel one another out) that is at the heart of this skill. In short, this skill requires we first accept everything about reality before we even consider making a change. For example, you must accept that your partner does not naturally have the skills to manage money and may even have a resistance to learning such skills. Is it possible, in some future reality, that he will acquire these skills? Perhaps, but the present moment requires that you accept where he is, for only then will you be able to see the opportunities to truly help him to acquire the skills, and perhaps the desire, to manage money more effectively.

Persistent and troubling feelings of unfairness are often based on one’s unwillingness to accept some aspect of reality. Likewise, when something seems absolutely unbearable (i.e., “I can’t take it”), that is also most often a sign that we are refusing to accept some aspect of reality.

One thing, one person, one conversation in the moment Skill: Make it your goal to do only one thing in each moment. It’s almost impossible to be fully present for the person who sits in front of you, to experience the joy of a wonderful meal, or even to get the most out of an exercise workout when your mind is jumping between two or more things. You miss the satisfaction and joy of the present moment when you aren’t focused on it or when you treat the moment as simply a way to get to the next one.

Take a nonjudgmental stance whenever possible Skill: Actively resist the temptation to place everything in your life on a “good-bad continuum.” Instead of evaluating your experience according to your expectations, focus your efforts on being present for what is, rather than what you wish would be.

the failure to accept others for who they are only serves to increase your own distress (it certainly doesn’t change the reality of who the other person is).

Those of us who are most intolerant and judgmental of others’ faults are inevitably even judgmental about ourselves. In private, we see ourselves as flawed and shameful. The expression of judgment upon others is nothing less than what we deliver to ourselves.

Mindfully taking a nonjudgmental stance is the practice of suspending judgment until all the data are in. Most often when we are judgmental, we have reached a premature conclusion about someone else. We have eagerly ascribed the failures we observed to imagined character flaws. Sometimes we are correct, but many times we are not. A nonjudgmental stance gives the other person space to be human and flawed.

Because gay men grow up struggling with such intense toxic shame, as adults we can be highly judgmental of ourselves and others. We see critical flaws in ourselves, and we are equally harsh in our assessments of others. Taking a nonjudgmental stance means that you have first dealt with your own shame and have now intentio...

The more critical you are of others, the more difficult it is for you to reveal your true self to the world around you. When you have not allowed others to be less than perfect, does it not only follow that you cannot be less than perfect? And since you know you aren’t perfect, how can you possibly reveal yourself? Creating an environment for authenticity requires that we give others the space to be authentic as well. We intuitively know that we can’t require something of others that we haven’t required of ourselves.

Obsessing about pain creates more pain Skill: When feeling distressing emotions, make a conscious effort to let the pain subside. Continuously replaying painful memories, talking about your pain with others, or exposing yourself to situations that keep the memories active only function to keep you in distress. Deliberately and intentionally take action that distracts you from continuing to reinjure yourself with painful thoughts or memories.

the continued expression of an emotion only serves to make the emotion stronger and more likely to happen again in the future; and when the emotion is painful, the act of prolonged expression only increases the experience of your pain.

Walk your way out of distress Skill: When feeling uncomfortable emotions like sadness, fear, or anger, deliberately engage in a behavior that “changes the channel.” In these moments, arguing with yourself or trying to think your way back to serenity isn’t feasible—only engaging in behavior (i.e., contrary action) will make the difference.

Respect your body Skill: Honor your body as you would a precious possession. Refuse to place your body in deliberate jeopardy. Adore your body, for it is the only one you will ever have.

No feeling lasts forever Skill: When life isn’t going as we expect and painful emotions are running high, we often tell ourselves that this feeling will last forever. Nothing could be further from the truth, as all feelings come and go, wax and wane, over time. Challenge your own thinking that because life isn’t pleasant, this unpleasantness is going to last forever. Nothing lasts forever.

Don’t let your sexual tastes be the filter by which you allow people into your life Skill: Actively fight the urge to reach out only to people you find physically attractive. A man’s physical appearance has virtually nothing to do with who he is on the inside, his values, and what kind of friend he is likely to be.

Be right, or be happy Skill: Asserting your own ideas is important, but when you do so at the expense of relationships, you hurt yourself and diminish your experience. Before insisting that your way is the right way, ask yourself, How important is it that I be right—and at what cost? Sometimes backing down for the sake of another person’s ego is more effective at creating happy relationships than being right or in control.

Always look first for the innocence in others Skill: See past the betrayal, anger, and dishonesty in others to find their core innocence. Other people hurt you because they are hurting. It is extraordinarily rare that anyone acts out of a desire to deliberately hurt another person. Most often when we hurt others, it’s because we are acting out of our pain and are being mindless of the well-being of others.

Ultimately, I’ve come to believe that in each moment, we’re all doing the best that we can. When I see life through this lens, I can allow others the space to be themselves, even when I’ve judged their behavior as inadequate or downright hurtful. When I challenge the belief that others are driven by ill intentions, and instead hold the dialectic that “he is doing the best that he can do,” it lessens my anger and makes the mistakes of others more tolerable. When I walk through the world expecting others to be perfect, I am setting myself up for a miserable existence—for no one, including myself, comes close to perfect. Give the same level of forgiveness to others that you’d like to receive in return. If you do, you’ll lessen your own distress immeasurably and increase your experience of joy.

In conflict, assess your responsibility first Skill: Whenever you encounter a problem in a relationship, consider and verbalize your responsibility first before focusing on the perceived error of the other.

Keep your inner circle sacred and safe Skill: Allow only those people who are trustworthy into your inner circle of intimacy. Too quickly trusting someone who hasn’t yet proved his or her trustworthiness is highly risky. This skill is about being slow and selective in bringing other people into a close level of intimacy.

Validate what is valid (and never the invalid) Skill: In a relationship, seek to validate what you perceive is valid in another person. Let him or her know what you respect in his behavior. Never give compliments that aren’t true or are insincere, for we all have a sophisticated radar for detecting when someone is patronizing us and when they are sincere.

Own your side of the street Skill: You are responsible for your feelings and only your feelings (not anyone else’s). Take responsibility for your feelings without pushing them off onto others (i.e., “I feel unattractive.” vs. “You make me feel unattractive.”)

Speak to the offender first (instead of everyone else) Skill: When experiencing conflict in a relationship, express your feelings to the person with whom you have the conflict rather than talking about the conflict with other people.

Live in integrity Skill: Always strive to be as honest as possible, even when it may seem to be easier or more efficient to hide the truth. Avoid giving others an inaccurate impression even when you haven’t done anything deliberately to create that impression.

Default to forgiveness rather than resentment Skill: Always seek to allow others the space to be imperfect. And when others disappoint you, avoid the temptation to keep an accounting of such disappointments.

When I hold resentment toward another person, it is almost always rooted in my fantasy of who I believe that person should be—and my own resistance to accepting him or her as is. When I fully accept another person, I do my best to see him with a clear lens, one that isn’t fogged by my own expectations, beliefs, and projections. When I resent another person, I am holding rigidly to my own expectations and fantasies of that person as if to say, “You shouldn’t be the person who you are.”