The Velvet Rage: Overcoming the Pain of Growing Up Gay in a Straight Man's World

by Alan Downs

Using other men as a method of emotion regulation requires the gay man to be fundamentally inauthentic. The sexual encounter is all about making him feel something different, and when that is successfully accomplished, he is done with the other man. The encounter is a means to an end that has little to do with a relationship or emotional exchange between two people. It’s all about me and making me feel better, and you are forced to go through the motions, pretending to be interested in the other person long enough to get him naked. At times, you must make idle conversation until sufficient time has passed so that both of you can maintain the illusion that it really isn’t just about sex. For instance, you may learn that at times it is more effective toward your goal of having sex if you aren’t exactly honest about all the details of your life. You may be even tempted to create a completely fabricated life just for the benefit of bedding the listener (if you have any doubt about this, just visit a gay chat room on the internet).