The Velvet Rage: Overcoming the Pain of Growing Up Gay in a Straight Man's World

by Alan Downs

we have more sexual partners in a lifetime than any other grouping of people. And at the same time, we also have among the highest rates of depression and suicide, not to mention sexually transmitted diseases.

There was something about us that was disgusting, aberrant, and essentially unlovable.

Although we are older now, we are still driven by those insatiable, infantile drives for love and acceptance.

Famished for authentic validation and without a reliable sense of self-direction, he develops a sophisticated radar for those things and people who will make him feel good about himself.

Authentic validation is honest validation of something that matters to you.

Authentic validation is absolutely necessary for the development of a strong sense of self. Without it, the self does not develop properly. Further, authentic validation inoculates us from the ravages of shame.

On the other hand, when we focus our rage internally, we do even greater damage. Internalized rage manifests in self-defeating patterns of behavior: substance abuse, reckless disregard for safe sex and HIV, financial irresponsibility, career dropout, and repeatedly destroying the opportunities for success that come our way.

Clearly, substance abuse is one of the ways some of us learned to avoid shame. In fact, for some of us, it is the only way we learned to avoid shame.

I work with many gay men who have come to believe that they can’t have sex unless they are high or intoxicated.

avoidance mode, like storming out of the house and getting smashed at the bar.

life can take on a richness and added dimension of emotional depth that you can’t imagine before taking the leap of coming out.

This time, rather than being subjugated by your feeling of shame, you begin to attack it vigorously, attempting to prove to yourself that

you are worthwhile and loveable as a gay man.

as gay men, we are worthwhile and ultimately deserving of love.

throes

dims

grasp

soothe

thrust

whet

wrenching.

quakes

steadfast

grim.

shimmied

fraught

shrouded

loath

The gay man’s obsession with youth is almost always linked with his use of sex as a way to control his emotions.

Resolving the crisis of meaning is all about reaching the place of honest and radical authenticity. It’s about no longer needing to compensate for shame and living

your life without needing to gild it with the extraordinary. Growing older, day by day and year by year, without the need to make it all seem better than it really is. It’s life, and it’s just fine without the embellishments.

When you drop the struggle with shame and accept life as it is without judgment, you find great freedom on the other side. It is freedom to be who you are, exactly as you are. The only real meaning in life is found in being who you are right now, without apologies.

While passion is about feeling joy in an activity, love is about noticing joy in the presence of another person. When the experience of another person regularly stimulates joy within us, we begin to feel we love that person.

Being clear and straightforward about who we are, what we want from others, and our intentions is the cornerstone of integrity.

living according to your most treasured values.

Whether it is who you date, the job you choose, or the friends with whom you spend time, always ask yourself if the choice is likely to contribute to your own inner peace.

“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.”

Of all the emotions, joy is the one that requires that you be fully present in the moment. When you aren’t fully present, you can’t feel joy.

The biting, cynical humor may earn laughs all around, but it also sends a powerful message that you are dangerous to be around.

Because gay men grow up struggling with such intense toxic shame, as adults we can be highly judgmental of ourselves and others. We see critical flaws in ourselves, and we are equally harsh in our assessments of others. Taking a nonjudgmental stance means that you have first dealt with your own shame and have now intentionally modified the long-standing habit of pointing out the perceived flaws in others.

Don’t let your sexual tastes be the filter by which you allow people into your life

Sometimes backing down for the sake of another person’s ego is more effective at creating happy relationships than being right or in control.

When you show only perfection, you create anxiety in others and play upon their own insecurities.

I’ve come to believe that in each moment, we’re all doing the best that we can.

Surround yourself with only those people who share your values and whose behavior is consistent with the type of man you want to be, and gently let go of those friendships that aren’t.

we became experts at holding other people responsible for our feelings.

Each of us is just trying to get through life as best we can, and forgiveness is the essence of allowing others the space to follow their own inner voice even when we disagree with it.

Embrace your ambivalence, especially in relationships, and you’ll find that you reach a new, powerful level of authenticity that ultimately makes your relationships stronger and more fulfilling.

The traumatic effect of growing up in a world where we must hide the truth of our strongest feelings causes our development to stall.

in the learning and practicing of life-changing skills, that we are transformed from being emotional adolescents who struggle to find some lasting contentment into men who are grounded in themselves, at peace, and fulfilled.