What the Hell Did I Just Read (John Dies at the End, #3)

by David Wong

“Past experience has only taught us not to rely on past experience.”

“Though, if you were an imposter, I think I’d know within seconds. You think one of ‘Them’ could mimic the stupid shit that comes out of your mouth?” There was a moment of silence before John said, “That’s … actually a good question.” “What is?” “If it tried to be one of us, would it know how to say everything we just said? About the boobs and such?” “I wish we didn’t know how to say it.” “Serious question.” “No. I mean … I don’t think so. How could it?”

Whether you “see” the universe as pure or corrupt, peaceful or violent, just or unjust, is largely determined by what you need to believe in order to motivate yourself to continue living for another day.

They just do not grasp the fact that they do not believe based on what they observe; they observe based on what they have been tricked into believing.

“You just told me you have a dossier, you probably know more about me than I do. I was drunk for so much of it.”

We will live and die according to how we interpret the unfamiliar. All of human culture is nothing more than that very process, playing out again and again.

I said, “You say you’re on the way, I take it you’re bringing a camera crew?” I knew Agent Tasker would be very annoyed by that. Instead

It’s the Egyptian god Min, popular in the fourth century B.C., the god of fertility. It is believed that during the coronation of a new Pharaoh, he would be required to masturbate in front of the crowd, to demonstrate that he himself possessed the fertility powers of Min. If you have watched a State of the Union address, you will find that the ritual has not changed much.”

do not act out of ignorance.” I said, “Well, I’d never get out of bed.”

There, John sat on a Harley-Davidson motorcycle he’d sneaked out of the church parking lot. He had strapped six silicone butts to various parts of his torso with bungee straps. He was holding Buddha’s mace, which had six pink dildos taped to it. I said, “Forget it, we don’t need the diversion. I got intercepted by Ted.” John looked crestfallen.