The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity

by Esther Perel

“My needs aren’t being met,” “This marriage is not working for me anymore,” “It’s not the deal I signed up for”—these are laments I hear regularly in my sessions. As psychologist and author Bill Doherty observes, these kinds of statements apply the values of consumerism—“personal gain, low cost, entitlement, and hedging one’s bets”—to our romantic connections. “We still believe in commitment,” he writes, “but powerful voices coming from inside and outside tell us that we are suckers if we settle for less than we think we need and deserve in our marriage.”5

There is so much to sum up the narratives of perceptions around relationships in Chapter three. The conversation is really valuable to look upon in our age of mixed ideas of marriage.

My Senegalese friends draw much of their identity and sense of belonging from their community. Historically, most people anchored their sense of self-worth in complying with the values and expectations of religion and family hierarchy. But in the

absence of the old institutions, we are now each in charge of the making and maintaining of our own identity, and the burdens of selfhood have never been heavier. Hence, we are constantly negotiating our sense of self-worth. Sociologist Eva Illouz astutely points out that “the only place where you hope to stop that evaluation is in love. In love you become the winner of the contest, the first and only.”4 No wonder infidelity throws us into a pit of self-doubt and existential confusion.

This perspective is invaluable.