Gentle Discipline: Using Emotional Connection--Not Punishment--to Raise Confident, Capable Kids

by Sarah Ockwell-Smith

In many cases, “bad” behavior is not the child being deliberately defiant, but an indication that the behavior expected of them is at odds with what they are capable of doing and feeling at any given moment. If anything is to blame, it is often our unrealistic expectations and demands.

I introduce you to my idea of Why? How? What? This is a very simple way to make sure you use the best discipline method possible, based on consideration of why your child is behaving in the way that they are, how they might be feeling, and what you hope to gain from disciplining them—something

Gentle discipline is focused upon teaching and learning, rather than punishing, and having expectations for children’s behavior that are realistic, given their level of brain development. It is also about mutual respect and working with children, not against them. In gentle discipline there is a balance of power; it is not held solely by parents. It is about having humility and patience, being mindful of your own triggers and demons as a parent, and not subconsciously projecting your issues onto your child. It is about setting boundaries and limits and enforcing them with compassion and respect. Gentle discipline is about positivity and planning for the future. It is about inspiring children to be better and do better, while you work to set a great example for them. What

Ironically, many of the things that we find so difficult to handle in our children—behaviors deemed “naughty” and undesirable by society—are rooted in traits that they need to be good learners and reach their full potential. Let’s look at the list again and see how some of these traits can be viewed in a different light.

Good discipline is about flexibility and humility. The teacher/student roles swap every day, often every hour—particularly when our children are teaching us something important. Sometimes they may even teach us that the way we are disciplining them is not working, and as parents, our role is to learn from that and adapt. As Walter Barbee, president emeritus of the Family Foundation of Virginia, said: If you have told a child a thousand times and he still does not understand, then it is not the child who is the slow learner. There is a big difference between disciplining in the short term, to make life easier as a parent, and disciplining to “grow” your child into the person you would like him to be in the future. The most common discipline methods today are very much focused on the short term.

It starts with making a space between your child’s behavior and your resulting discipline. This space affords you time to think about what you’re doing and whether your actions will meet your long-term parenting goals. Too many parents discipline in an angry, reactive way. If you do this, you will always fall into an authoritarian style, or that of a poor teacher.

Before you discipline, you should always pause and ask yourself, “Why do I feel the need to discipline in this moment?” If the answer is anything other than “Because I would like my child to learn that what he has just done is not appropriate, or that there is a better way to do it,” then you should not discipline. It doesn’t matter how many people are looking at you or what the voice inside your head from your own childhood is saying (“I would have got a smack or been sent to my room if I’d done that”). Gentle parenting is not about settling scores, being right, or maintaining the “upper hand.” Gentle discipline is about conscious, mindful decisions. Whatever situation you find yourself in, it is imperative that your actions are performed mindfully.