The Four Tendencies: The Indispensable Personality Profiles That Reveal How to Make Your Life Better (and Other People's Lives Better, Too)

by Gretchen Rubin

I would spend the next few years trying to answer these questions.

Identifying the Four Tendencies was absolutely the most difficult intellectual challenge of my life. What was I looking for? What patterns were related to each other? Why did people say such different things about their experiences? Sometimes I felt like smoke was coming out of my ears, my brain was working so hard. And then the euporia of cracking the framework! I'll never forget my excitement and relief when I thought, "EXPECTATION!" and the final pattern started to fall into place.

With just one single, straightforward question, all of humanity sorted itself into these categories.

I have to admit, as time has passed, I've been surprised by how robust the framework is. My understanding keeps getting deeper over the years, and I still haven't found any major exceptions or problems with the framework. I love seeing it play out in what real people say and do, and in what I see in pop culture (ask me about the Tendencies of various characters from Game of Thrones!). It's exciting.

four houses of Hogwarts.

The Four Tendencies definitely don't map onto the Houses of Hogwarts. Consider Hermione, Fred, George. All true Gryffindors, definitely not all the same Tendency.

The Four Tendencies explain why we act and why we don’t act.

We're often mystified by other people--and even more, by ourselves! Why can we get certain things done and not others? It's a relief to understand when and why we can succeed. And also to get practical suggestions from people who've figured out solutions to the same challenges.

I have a special insight into the Upholder Tendency, because this is my Tendency—which is probably why Upholder is discussed first in this framework.

It's always fun for me to encounter my fellow Upholders--say at a book event or live podcast show. We're a small group and we tend to have a lot in common.

UPHOLDER/Obliger-rebellion.

Since this book came out, many people have told me about UPHOLDER/Obliger-rebellion. It's a bigger pattern than I realized. Still far less common than Obliger-rebellion among Obligers, but more Upholders experience this than I realized when I first identified it.

It’s important for Questioners to remind themselves to do what they must so that they can do what they want.

For Questioners, it's all about the WHY. It's really striking. As I've learned through hard experience with my husband, I get his cooperation only when I include the "Why" in my request. For instance, if I'm asking for information, he won't tell me unless he understands why I need that info. If he doesn't know wny, he won't do it. He doesn't assume that because I've asked him, I have a reason! He needs to know the reason for himself.

Obligers readily meet the outer expectations imposed by others but struggle to meet the inner expectations they want to impose on themselves.

Who benefits most from learning about the Four Tendencies? I think it's Obligers and Rebels. Obligers, because now they understand the pattern in the expectations they keep, or don't keep. So many people have told me, "I thought that there was something really amiss in my personality, so it's a relief to know that many people struggle with this, and to see what to do about it."

Obligers may show “Obliger-rebellion”: they meet, meet, meet an expectation, then suddenly they snap and refuse to meet that expectation any longer. Acts of Obliger-rebellion

I'm absolutely fascinated by Obliger-rebellion. It's such a striking pattern. And it's complicated, because it can be such a positive force, and such a negative force, depending on the situation. It's certainly dramatic.

Without lectures or micro-management or rescue.

Many people around Rebels find it challenging to do nothing--to let Rebels do their thing, and let consequences unfold. Easier said than done.

grandparents—maybe with grandparents, they find the satisfaction of a close family bond, with fewer expectations.

This is a pattern that has continued to be very striking over time -- Rebels being close to their grandparents. Fascinating!

The Rebel Tendency can contribute to real health issues.

If you'd like an example of a Rebel harnessing the power of the Rebel Tendency to make a major health change, I highly recommend the fascinating, entertaining memoir "Presto! How I Made 100 Pounds Disappear and Other Magical Tales" by the famous magician and performer Penn Jillette, who is half the duo Penn & Teller. I disagree with many of his ideas, but this is a terrific, engaging portrait of how a Rebel does something as dramatic as lose 100 pounds. Note: lots of cursing.