Beard Mode (The Dixie Warden Rejects MC #1)

by Lani Lynn Vale

Scooters are for men who prefer to feel wind on their vagina. -Bumper Sticker

I’m just going to put an ‘out of order’ sticker on my forehead and call it a day. -E-card

When life depresses me, I look down and think ‘at least I have great boobs!’ -Imogen’s secret thoughts

Count orgasms, not calories. -Coffee Cup

Some men run away from danger. I run toward it. -Firefighter’s creed

“Was that a smile?” My ‘smile’ quickly fell off my face, and I turned my glare on my mother. “Shut it.” My mother snorted. “I changed your diapers, you know. Cleaned shit out of the creases of your balls,” my mother started. I pinched the bridge of my nose. “That’s exactly what all of your diners want to hear, Mom,” I mumbled, standing up.

I will totally judge you on your choice of breakfast cereal. What kind of weirdo doesn’t like their mornings filled with frosted goodness? -Imogen’s secret thoughts

Sex is not the answer. Yes is the answer. -T-shirt

My New Year’s Resolution is to lose…oh, look! Chipotle! -Imogen’s secret thoughts

Throw me to the wolves, and I’ll return leading the whole goddamned pack.

Did you hear that? That was the sound of my ovaries exploding. -Imogen upon seeing Aaron with a baby in his arms

Milk is good for your teeth. So is minding your own goddamned business. -Note to self

I like big cups and I cannot lie. -Coffee Cup

“Don’t do it,” I whispered worriedly. “This would change everything. I have to see you every day at the complex. You have your car in my shop. You also are a police officer.” “What does being a police officer have to do with anything?” he asked, humor lacing his voice. “It has to do with the fact that I find men in uniforms sexy, and if we do this once, we’ll be doing it again,” I snapped at him. “And you better be sure, because I’m a grade A clinger. You put that big wiener in me, and I’m going to not be responsible for what I do next.” “What kind of clinger is a grade A clinger?” he asked. “Can you give me the definition? Maybe use it in a sentence?” “Imogen won’t stop calling. We have to get Imogen away, she’s a grade A clinger,” I tried. The bed started to shake, and I realized that it was his laughter that was making it shake.

The light went out. We both froze. Then we started to laugh. “Oh, God,” I wheezed. “We should…” Before I could finish my sentence, he was on the move again, pounding inside of me faster and harder than before. In. Out. In. Out. Over and over again he went, the light following each slap of our skin meeting skin. I had to close my eyes because the light was snapping on and off too quickly, making my eyes unable to adjust, and my head to become dizzy.

“You have a wiener tattoo!” I cried. “What is that?” By leaning forward, I moved my body and forced him to fall completely out of me, and my mouth formed an O as I got a look at the rest of the tattoo. “Did that hurt?” I asked, touching it with the tip of one finger. “I was drunk off my ass, pissed off at the world, and ready to prove to everyone that ever wanted to know that my wife wasn’t ever going to lead me around by the dick again,” Aaron sighed. “It’s not my most shining moment. I regretted it in a multitude of ways when I saw it the next morning. Though you’re the first one to see it in all its glory.” I started to laugh. “Did they do the tattoo while it was hard?” I asked curiously, running my fingers around the tribal tattoo. His dick, which had begun to soften, started to harden again.

The fear that courses through you when you hear your mother use your full name. -Aaron’s secret thoughts

This life would kill me if I didn’t have you. And chocolate. I have to have chocolate, too. Chocolate makes me happy. -Imogen’s secret thoughts

We don’t lick people. -Lies adults tell kids

He loped on the sidewalk beside me all the way there, much to the excitement of three women who were out walking their Shitpoos, or whatever the hell the little white demon dogs were called.

Do your boobs hang low? Can they touch your camel toe? -T-shirt

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a salad bar, wishing it was an all you can eat buffet. -Imogen’s secret thoughts

You never have to worry about me cheating on you. Though I might eat your food, which for some people is worse. -Text from Imogen to Aaron

Today is day two of my diet. I’m still not skinny. I think I’ll have a cupcake. Diets are bullshit. -Imogen’s secret thoughts

Is there a mood for wanting to punch someone in the throat? -Imogen to Aaron

“Ohhh,” she whispered. “Am I going to get arrested? I thought I was being all stealthy.” I snorted. “You were being stealthy. Though not stealthy enough not to notice Rafe.” She cursed low under her breath. “That’s just perfect.” She glared at the man she’d shot. “This is all your stupid fault. You deserve everything you get.” Kevin started to cry harder.

Tommy Tom had the same feeling. Taking a lunging step forward, he reared back and slammed his fist into the pervert’s mouth. Then it was lights out Kevin. “That was pretty impressive,” Ghost drawled from behind us. “It was like Crouching Tiger Hidden Doctor.”

I’m not always right, but you’re always more not right. So there. -Text from Imogen to Aaron

We’d had a lot of time over the last two months to really get to know each other and our likes and dislikes. For instance, I liked it when she deep throated me when she was on lunch break. She didn’t like it when I grabbed her hair and ordered her to take more. According to her, she was ‘giving it all she’s got, Captain.’

The moment the metal detector went off, I started to worry. I hadn’t put anything in there that should set off the alarm. I’d put my keys, phone, and spare change into the bucket he’d ordered me to. There was absolutely nothing in there. The security officer pulled my bag down to the table, and started to open the edges. The moment the bag opened, condoms started to pour out of it, falling to the floor at the man’s feet. I closed my eyes. “I’m going to kill him,” I told her. “I’m literally going to kill him.” But there was a grin working at the corners of my lips, and I knew that Booth had done it because he’d thought it was funny and would lighten my mood. The security officer even thought it was funny. “I’m going to have to keep this spoon, Sir.” The officer held up his hand. “The condoms can stay, though.” As I walked into the terminal, I knew one thing for sure. This wasn’t the end. This was only the beginning, and I’d be sure to get Booth back.

I even cry in a Southern accent, y’all. -Wall Sign

I don’t understand your specific brand of crazy, but I do commend your devotion to it. -Truth to his ex