Good Me, Bad Me

by Ali Land

‘It’s human nature to want to avoid the things we feel threatened by, Milly, the things that make us feel less in control, but it’s important we go there. Begin the process of putting things to rest.

Half-built walls live inside me, erected fully in minutes if I feel a threat of exposure.

What if I’m like her, I asked him, what if I inherit it? Monoamine oxidase A. The enzyme for violence. If it’s in her, it’s likely it’s in me, but he told me I’m nothing like you, he knows that for sure. I’m not certain I believe he meant it, or if he believes it himself.

Forgiving, that’s what she is, and lonely. A person can forgive a lot if they need the company.

I have the same feeling I had then, the waiting, the wishing it was over. Only this time I don’t know what the ‘it’ is.

I suppose I’ve known for a while now that I don’t belong here. Fit in. I’ve also known for a while that maybe there isn’t anywhere for someone like me.

I don’t feel like telling him I’m scared any more. He told me to stop bottling things up, but how can I talk to someone who I know doesn’t want me here.

Grief does that, it ages with its horror yet diminishes too, back to a state where we want to be coddled and protected from the world.

Kindness when you’re wounded hurts more.