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October 26, 2020 - June 12, 2021
Stress. When Eights get stressed out, they move to and take on those qualities you’d associate with unhealthy Fives (the Investigators). Here they withdraw and become even less connected to their emotions. Some experience insomnia and neglect to take care of themselves, eating poorly and not exercising. In this space Eights become secretive and hypervigilant about betrayal. They also may dig their heels in and become even more uncompromising than usual. That’s something.
Security. Eights move to the healthy side of Two in security, where they become more caring and aren’t so conscious of hiding their tender and gentle nature. Eights in this space don’t insist their beliefs and opinions are absolutely right, but learn to listen and value other people’s points of view as well. They start to trust in something bigger than themselves (yes, there are things in the universe larger than Eights) and allow others to take care of them—which, if even for a short time, makes everyone happy. Eights connected to the positive side of Two realize that justice is usually a
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They’re finite creatures trying to manage an overfull tank of infinite desires. That’s a lot to manage.
When contained correctly, their fire can safely welcome and warm people. But like all fire, if not surrounded with a hearth of self-restraint, it will burn your house down.
When Eights are spiritually on the beam and self-aware, they are powerhouses: fearless, magnanimous, inspiring, energetic, supportive, loyal, self-confident, intuitive, committed and t...
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When Eights switch their lives over to autopilot and spiritually fall asleep at the wheel of their personality, they become shamelessly excessive, reckless, arrogant, bull-h...
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The healing message Eights need to know, believe and feel is this: there are lots of trustworthy people in the world, and though the risk of betrayal is always real, love and connection will forever elude them unless they welcome and reconnect to the innocent, less defended child they once were.
I like Brené Brown’s books The Power of Vulnerability and The Gifts of Imperfection. Actually, I suggest that Eights read each of them.
Brown is on to something: vulnerability is the base metal of love and relationships.
Fours believe they alone have this tragic flaw, so when they compare themselves to others (which is all the time), they feel inferior.
Fours yearn to join the party of life, but the absence of that fundamental something disqualifies them from getting an invitation.
envy is the deadly sin of Fours. They envy the normalcy, happiness and sense of comfort with which others seem to move through life.
Sadly, by fixating on what’s missing, Fours are blind to what’s present in their lives, namely the many wonderful qualities they already possess.
Unfortunately, the Four’s melancholy can spiral into melodrama. A Four can take a minor tiff with a friend and turn it into a Wagner opera, while a breakup with a girlfriend or boyfriend can rival a scene from Dr. Zhivago. All these theatrics often push away the people with whom the Four most wants to make a heartfelt connection. As
The need of the Four is to be special or unique. They believe the only way they can recapture or compensate for their missing piece and finally secure an authentic identity is by cultivating a unique image, one that distinguishes them from everyone else. Perhaps then people will love and accept them and they can return from their exile on the Island of Misfit Toys.
Most Fours could teach Anguish as a Second Language. They’re drawn to all things tragic, and their talk style is lament. They can play the role of the tragic romantic, or sometimes the artist who suffers for their art, and they can always be counted on to tell sad stories.
Fours are the most complex of all the types on the Enneagram; what you see is never what you get.
Fours wrestle with dissatisfaction. They always want the unavailable.
What they have is never what they really want, and what they want is always somewhere “out there” just beyond their reach.
Fours don’t have feelings; they are their feelings. Their feelings form the b...
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Given their love and overidentification with charged emotions, the Four’s mood is in a constant state of flux.
Fours’ moods are like fast-moving weather patterns. In the blink of an eye they can go from up to down, back to average, then plummet, then soar and finally return to baseline.
If the identity of the Four is hitched to their feelings, then it’s always changing. Their sense of self never stabilizes. Until they wake up it’s like watching someone riding the emotional equivalent of the El Diablo roller coaster at Six Flags.
Life is a Catch-22 for Fours. They want to belong in the world, but they feel deficient. So they compensate for what they sense they lack by projecting a special image, which leads to them acting out in ways that only makes fitting in harder.
Fours are known for wearing clothes that set them apart and attract attention.
The search for authenticity means everything to Fours, and they can spot a poseur from a mile away.
We don’t like mediocrity, superficiality or people who are unsparingly optimistic all the time.
Fours are people who are attracted to the offbeat and avant-garde in life. They care deeply about beauty and art. They decorate their homes in a way that reflects their originality and create things that give expression to their feelings and slant vision of the world. They take up unusual hobbies and often have a wildly interesting and
diverse group of friends.
All of these elite interests can give people the impression that Fours ...
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Fours find meaning best expressed through imagery, metaphors, story and symbols that can express feelings and truths that test the limits of language.
Fours love us some martyrs.
Fours often say they felt different and misunderstood by their parents, siblings and peers growing up.
time. They live with a sense that they are not like other children so they try to make a place for themselves by capitalizing on their differences. That often backfires, sabotaging their chances of getting what they really want, which is a sense of belonging.
The wounding message Fours hear all the time is “There’s something off about you. No one understands you, and you’ll never belong.”
Relationships are the stage on which the drama of a Four’s life unfolds. They can be high-maintenance friends or partners. They are always scouting around for the ideal someone who will help them overcome their feeling of unworthiness and complete them. That’s a lot to ask.
Fours are intense. They want to dig down to the heart to deal with whatever’s going on between you and them. If they’re on an emotional mountaintop, they want you to be there with them, and if they’re feeling low and morbidly self-interested, they might invite you over so they can share their woes over a bottle of wine in the hope that you can fix them.
Their penchant for theatrical behavior can earn them a reputation for being drama queens or crisis kings.
Another variation on the push-pull dance happens when Fours say to themselves, If I could only find the right partner, the right therapist, the right church or the right friend, then I’d be complete. Once Fours find this perfect someone or something they’ll pull them in until they get close enough to realize that whoever or whatever it is won’t fill the hole in their soul. Then the Four will push them away. Maybe they stop returning calls or showing up for things without explanation. But then when the same person begins to move too far away from them, they start to desire them again.
More than anything else what Fours need are partners and friends who know how to “detach without withdrawing.”
You have to be able to listen without necessarily ag...
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If you love a Four, you can’t allow yourself to get sucked into their swi...
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deficient.” Fours in relationship need to have their feelings acknowledged and need their loved ones to understand that melancholy is not depression.
You know how when you’re in pain you want someone to be with you who won’t try to fix you or make you feel better? When you’re in that spot, reach out to a Four. They’re more empathic than any other type.
Fours instinctively know how to honor and bear witness to the pain of others.
As you might imagine, many Fours gravitate toward careers in the arts.
Because Fours are comfortable accompanying people on their journeys through painful times, they make great therapists, pastoral counselors and spiritual directors.
They’ll thrive as long as their work affords them the opportunity to express their creativity, depth of feeling and distinct style.
If you want Fours to perform ordinary or routine tasks, forget it. First, they’ll feel it’s beneath their sensibilities. Fours will procrastinate if you ask them to tackle projects that involve too many details, ...
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To feel fulfilled, a Four’s work has to have a higher purpose, make use of and highlight their
