The Road Back to You: An Enneagram Journey to Self-Discovery

by Ian Morgan Cron

As strange as it sounds, what feels like intimidation to you feels like intimacy to an Eight. For them, conflict is connection.

Eights don’t see themselves as angry people.

Eights see themselves as honest, straight-talking people who aren’t afraid to go nose to nose with whatever life throws at them and always leave everything on the field.

Lucky for us, Eights care deeply about justice and fairness.

They have no problem speaking truth to power, and they are perhaps the only number on the Enneagram who are brave enough to confront and take down t...

well. Having witnessed or experienced the negative consequences of powerlessness as a child, the Eight identifies with the easily preyed upon and rushes to their aid.

Eights’ concern for justice is great until they throw on tights and a cape and arrogate to themselves the role of the superhero sent to avenge the defenseless and restore balance to the scales of justice.

In an Eight’s mind, you and I have opinions while they have facts.

They reject taking a nuanced view of anything because not having clarity or absolute certainty about your position represents weakness or—God forbid—cowardice.

Eights value truth, and there’s nothing like a nose-to-nose confrontation to bring it to light.

Eights know other people can show their hands in the heat of a fight. A confrontation can expose what’s really happening behind the scenes, force people’s real intentions or hidden agendas into the open, or reveal whether people can stand their ground and be trusted.

The talk style of Eights is commanding. Often their sentences are littered with imperatives and end with exclamation marks.

Whereas most people experience conflict as anything but invigorating, Eights get their energy from it.

A common story Suzanne and I hear from Eights is that something happened in their formative years that required them to prematurely abandon their childlike innocence in order take responsibility for their own lives and often the lives of others.

Others report they were bullied at school until it became clear they could rely on no one but themselves.

as kids Eights picked up the wounding message that “the world is a hostile place where only the strong survive, and the weak or innocent get emotionally beaten up or betrayed. So put on your armor and never let them see your soft side.”

Eights worry a lot about betrayal. It’s why many of them won’t trust more than a small circle of friends over the course of their lives.

“Not me, pal.” You can’t tell by looking at them, but Eights don’t feel like they have to be the person in control—they just don’t want to be controlled.

Yes!

(In fact, unless they’re very unhealthy, Eights are not characteristically bullies. Bullies act out to compensate and cover their own fears, while Eights aren’t afraid of anyone. Because of their concern for justice and desire to instinctively protect and defend the disadvantaged, Eights are more likely to stand up to bullies.)

kids who are Eights often run ahead of the pack and want to be allowed to act independently.

They don’t feel a need to conform, but they know when it’s to their advantage to follow the rules.

the downside of their independence and self-reliance is that these kids can forget their innocence much too early, and it is difficult to reclaim it later in life. They need to recover a little of the open-heartedness that defines childhood for others.

They need the lessons that mistakes and weakness teach us: the value of an apology, the experience of forgiveness and the lessons we only learn from following another leader.

Eights want people to challenge them right back. Eights admire strength. They won’t respect you if you’re not willing to stand toe to toe with them. They want others to be their equals and stand up for what they believe.

Like most Eights, Ed lives by the “Fire, Aim, Ready” rule.

They’ll respect you if you hold your ground with them, and once the confrontation is over, it’s as if nothing happened.

Eights want the unvarnished truth. Unless you like lengthy estrangements, never lie or send a mixed message to an Eight. You have to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. Information is power, so Eights want to know all the facts.

Eights don’t want you to protect them from the facts or coddle them by leaving out the unpleasant details.

In an Eight’s mind, there’s a lot at stake. If they don’t know the truth, then they don’t know what’s really happening, and if they don’t know what’s really happening, then they’re not in control, and not in control is where Eights never want to be.

If you hold back any relevant information, Eights will feel like you’ve left them flapping in the wind and dangerously exposed. You don’t want to lose an Eight’s trust. It takes a long ...

Eights want to be in control. Eights never want to feel like the...

Eights are “Don’t complain, don’t explain” people. They don’t make excuses, and they expect you not to either.

All this excess and intolerance for constraints means Eights need friends and partners who can help keep them in check.

As you’ll learn, “self-forgetting” is a hallmark of all three numbers in the Anger Triad (8, 9, 1). In addition to forgetting their childhood innocence, one of the things Eights forget is that they’re not invincible super humans. Many Eights feel physically bigger and more powerful than they are, so they’ll place unreasonable demands on their bodies and put their health and well-being at risk. They’ll bristle when you say it, but Eights need to be reminded that moderation is a virtue, not a restraining order.

Eights have a tender side. If you’re fortunate enough to have an Eight in your life, you know that beneath all the intensity and anger energy there is a heart brimming with tenderness and love. Eights will step in front of a speeding train or take a bullet to the chest for their small circle of friends.

Eights are eager to support people who want to realize their potential. They know how to empower and bring out the best in others, and they’ll block or tackle to help someone get to where they want to go in life. All they ask is that you show up and give 150 percent of yourself to reaching the goal. If you don’t, the once-supportive Eight will move on to find someone else willing to put in the effort.

Eights’ antagonism can sabotage their relationships.

The Enneagram reveals how our solutions are often worse than our problems. By regularly testing authority, being overly blunt and insensitive, acting in a confrontational manner, insisting their perspective is always the right one, or acting impulsively, Eights don’t protect themselves from attack, from losing their grip on control or from experiencing emotional harm and betrayal—rather, they invite it.

People can become fed up with feeling pushed around or intimidated by a spiritually immature Eight, and will either walk away from a relationship with them or band together to overthrow them professionally or exclude them socially. Sadly, when this happens it only confirms Eights’ worst fears about the dangerous n...

Eights are looking for an answer to the question “Can I trust me with you?” At the end of the day, they want to find someone with whom they can feel safe enough to...

As employees, Eights can be huge assets or a lot of work, and they’re usually both.

If you’re fortunate enough to have an Eight on your team and want her to perform well, keep the lines of communication open and don’t surprise her by changing the rules or announcing a sudden change of plans.

Eights are highly intuitive and read the world from their gut, so they can smell deception or a lack of integrity from a mile away. If they trust you, you’ve got it ...

So you have to set limits, provide regular, honest feedback, and establish clear and reasonable boundaries. Eights will follow a leader so long as it’s clear the leader knows where they’re heading. They have no patience for a leader who waffles or lacks the moxie to commit to a course of action and move. Because they’re looking for a strong leader, you have to either cowboy up and provide them with clear direction or put someone in charge of them who has more gumption than you.

You also need to keep them active.

But when your back’s against the wall, you want Eights on your team. They’re creative, smart and fearless, they’re terrific troubleshooters, and they’ll sleep on the floor to make sure the job gets done.

Eights’ commanding presence and boundless energy instills confidence in others, and people follow them.

my mother will tell you that female Eights are the most misunderstood and unfairly treated number on the Enneagram.

Eights with a Seven wing are outgoing, energetic and fun, reflecting the Seven’s sunny personality. They are also ambitious, impulsive and sometimes reckless. These Eights live life to the fullest. They are the most energetic of all numbers and the most entrepreneurial. The Seven energy masks the more wary Eight so they are more social and more gregarious than other Eights.

Eights with a Nine wing have a more measured approach to life. They are more approachable and more open to cooperation over competition, in keeping with the Nine’s tendency to play a peacemaking role. Because of the Nine’s gift for mediating, these are not ordinary Eights—8w9s can be conciliatory. They are supportive, modest and less blustery, and others are happy to follow their lead. When the Nine’s gift of seeing both sides of everything is available to Eights, they become successful negotiators in situations both big and small.