Mixed Nuts: or What I've Learned Practicing Psychotherapy

by Rick Cormier

With anger, the first question our adult brain must ask is, “Is this something I can change?” If the answer is yes, then what steps can I take to change it? If the answer is no, then how can I safely feel and express my anger, so that I can move on?

Three things that make you who you are and me who I am: Genetics, Nurturance, and Choices.

A huge part of who we are was formed during our childhood.

And, while it may be true that our baggage originated in our childhood, it avoids the question of why we still drag it around as adults.

As for my dad, I learned that his father had been an abusive alcoholic. My dad's bubble was for his emotional protection. It was for keeping him safe, not keeping us out. It also kept him from becoming abusive. He refused to be like his dad.

We can be whatever kind of person we choose to be. We just have to begin making conscious choices. It's hard at first.

We're so ignorant about emotions and personalities that we don't understand that some partners are compatible with us emotionally, and some never will be.

All abusers want you to believe that you can stop the abuse by changing yourself.

Abusers often grew up with an abusive parent.

Abusers don't abuse consciously. They abuse automatically, which is worse.

Like all controlling personalities, the abuser has little insight. He believes that his abuse is a perfectly normal reaction to his victim's behavior.

Many of us take the most difficult relationship of our childhood ...and we marry it!

Want to take it one step further? List the best qualities of your parents. The ones you valued most. Add to that list the qualities you wish had been in your family: more humor? Stability? Affection? Playfulness? What was missing? Now you have a list of qualities you are going to look for in a partner.

When you figure out who will keep you miserable, you can begin to recognize who might make you happy.

Love is how you treat someone.

If you ever want to know how someone feels about you, pay attention to how they treat you. There lies the truth.

We don't know the whole story until we know the whole story. Nor can you choose sides based on gender or who complains the loudest.

People commonly think that the secret to a great relationship is communication, but it isn't. It's Compatibility.

Verbal communication is unimportant except for those of us who value verbal communication. Compatibility is the key.

Many of our flaws are old emotional defenses which can fade away when we're loved in spite of them.

They had met on a Thursday, so they celebrated their anniversary every Thursday.

Therapy is like any relationship. Not everyone “clicks” with everyone.

3)Does the therapist seem to have a firm, confident grasp of what they can do for you?

This is not necessarily fair

People have often asked me what they should look for in a Couples Counselor. My answer consists of one simple question: “Have you ever been in a successful long-term relationship?”

That's not necessarily fair. It takes two to tango!

Desiree, her marriage, or her profession, was irrelevant. My job was simply to teach her to turn off her panic attacks.

YES!!!!!

There are clients who don't get better. There are clients who get huge secondary gains from doing exactly what they're doing. Others are just too afraid to try doing anything differently. (“the devil you know.”)

Someone once told me, “With the possible exception of Substance Abuse, never treat a condition that you have or are recovering from.”

Disagree!

When someone comes in for an oil change, we should change their damn oil or send them to someone who can. Therapists shouldn't paint the car instead and then expect clients to pay.

Three things make up who we are as individuals: what we think, what we feel, and what we do. If we manage to change any one of these three aspects of ourselves, the other two will follow.

In some cases, my best approach will be to quietly and subtly plant a seed in your mind and hope that it will grow on its own. The best way to do that is by telling a story.

Every mental illness has the potential for secondary gains.

A lot of men fall into this category. I used to quip that women come for therapy at the first sign of trouble, whereas we meet men after their first suicide attempt.

I've had clients ask me if they'd still be eligible for disability if we make the illness go away. Some clients we never hear from again after their initial intake.

Those people fail because they place the blame elsewhere. They take no responsibility for their part.

How we each imagine God says more about us than it does about gods.

Someone who is truly in love with you will consistently try to make you feel good about yourself. Someone who is emotionally abusive will consistently make you feel worse about yourself.

Depressed people live in their heads. Anxious people live in their heads. People escape to their heads to avoid their feelings. Your head is a calculator. Its most useful purpose is to solve actual problems. Life is out here, in the present moment.

Anytime you want to know what your dream meant, ask yourself what feelings it provoked. Then ask yourself what is going on in your life that might cause those sorts of feelings. Score extra points if it's something you've been trying not to think about.

Any modern social workers reading this will be as disgusted as anyone by the glimpse of what it was like to be “on welfare” in the 1960s.

YEP!

get in touch with The Samaritans and volunteer to man a helpline. You'll get free training from them, and the first time a stranger's life is in your hands, you'll know whether this is something that you love or hate.

I'm not sure about this. Without school, you don't have class support, or good teachers. What if the Samaritans don't train you correctly and something goes wrong?

Of course, not every client intervention is a success story, and you have to be okay with that, too.

Exactly! But where are your non-successful interventions?

Mental illness can be genetic, and it can be the result of an unstable or dysfunctional early home environment. We all experience varying amounts of stress throughout our lives, and we each have varying amounts of coping skills. When our stressors exceed our ability to cope with them, we experience mental illness.

I often see clients who as adults are still trying desperately to win the approval of their parents or siblings. I often think if they were incapable of treating you lovingly when you were young and cute and precious, why would they be different now?

Live intentionally and consciously. Figure out what was lacking in your family of origin and get it from your adult family.

At around 10 or 11, the boy is ready to “cross the bridge” into manhood. It is now that mom becomes less cool. It is now that dad becomes the boy's primary focus, model, and teacher.

I'll share personal experiences with clients when I think it might help model a healthy approach to their problem. (e.g., marriage, parenting, personal growth, etc.)

Same

Happy people understand that those who are critical of them are often revealing their own issues.

YES!!!!

To know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived -This is to have succeeded.” ~Bessie Anderson Stanley

Everything is projection. We each create and respond to our own interpretation of what we perceive based on what we believe.