Colorblind

by Siera Maley

It’d be nice to have some evidence that we control our own destinies, I think.

philosophy in this goes CRAAAAZYYYYY

I changed quickly in front of my bathroom mirror and tried my best to clean myself up. Chloe probably didn’t like girls, and I had no intention of developing an interest in her, given the number on her forehead, but she was still a cute girl, and cute girls made me self-conscious.

REEEEEAAAALLLLLLL

He’s a great guy, but… not my type.” “Because of the age or the geekiness?” she teased. “I don’t know.” I avoided the question, shrugging. “He just isn’t.”

she prefers something else

Hey, what are you up to?” she asked me. “Busy with your boyfriend

what a tease my god

“So what kind of movies do you like? I’ve seen a lot of action flicks, but only because I mostly hung around guys back where I used to live.” I shifted my phone to my other ear as she bit down on another carrot. Then, before I could stop myself, I declared, “You’re gay.” The crunching stopped. There was a short pause. And then, “Was that a question?”

why be so direct?!

“I’m sorry.” “For… pointing out the obvious?” “I don’t think it was obvious,” I half-lied. “Sure it was. I’ve always wanted to live in San Francisco, and I wore a rainbow bracelet the other day.” “The true reason you moved here comes out,” I joked, trying to ease some of the tension. She ran with it, mercifully. “Ah, yes. I definitely got my parents to pack up and relocate just so I could pick up girls more easily. The new puppy is also a ploy. It reels them in, you see?”

babe. the closet was glass

“So what’re you doing with this girl, Harper?”

uuhhhhhh

Robbie nudged me and, sounding far too empathetic, murmured, “She’s not even trying to hide that she likes you.”

and she shouldn't MAKE IT AS OBVIOUS AS POSSIBLE BABE

August. She was turning seventeen in August. That meant that Chloe didn’t have twelve months to live. She didn’t even have six. She was going to be dead by the end of the summer.

tenso

It felt natural, and I didn’t stop her. I didn’t want to.

awwwwwwww

“I thought San Francisco was going to be this constant gay pride parade,” she told me abruptly. “Like, hot lesbians everywhere. I’ve gotta say… this is better.”

awwwww

I’m solidly gay, and you’re not exactly waving a rainbow flag but you have claimed to play for my team, so.”

you´re funny i like you

Have you ever considered the fact that maybe the goal of life isn’t to get through it as painlessly as possible?”

Life isn’t about the pain. It’s about the good parts.

that’s rich coming from you.”

read this in a very thick english accent

I just haven’t known you for more than a month and I guess I already don’t shut up about you.”

awwwwww

“The girls here in Cali are, like, really hot. It’s like you guys are all models or something.” “I know, right?” Chloe agreed. That made Josh and his friends laugh.

YEEEESSSSSSSS THIS IS COMEDY

At least I never showed you Final Destination 3.”

not an apropriate mention rn babe

and Chloe screaming happily – because that’s apparently a thing insane people who like roller coasters can do

eu

homebodies.

love this word

Having Robbie around made everything much easier that week. It made life in general feel so much more manageable.

need me a robbie

Before that it was cartoons and Buffy the Vampire Slayer.” “Why?” “Uh… because I was eleven and Sarah Michelle Gellar plus lesbians is a winning combination?”

so true

“Throwing yourself into the past to avoid the present and future. That sounds healthy.”

“I mean I want to know that this isn’t all just meaningless. Like, we aren’t born with our whole lives already mapped out by some omniscient force that’s already predetermined everything we’ll ever say and do and every decision we’ll ever make. That idea terrifies me: that we’re all just ants under a magnifying glass and someone’s poking at us with a stick. Someone who already knows exactly what we’ll do and who we’ll be and when we’ll die. If I could do something that proves to me that isn’t the case, I think I’d be alright.”

the amount of philosophy in this is killing me

I think feeling that kind of pain again is utterly terrifying. But I think a big part of healing is coming to terms with the fact that it’s a part of life, and that while it does hurt, it doesn’t outweigh the good times we got to share with that person before their death.”

Bad things were inevitable. Death was inevitable. But maybe the reverse was true: that good things were equally inevitable. And maybe sometimes inevitability liked to take a back seat to second chances.