(For those of you who haven’t pushed a baby with a head in the ninety-eighth percentile out of your vagina, putting anything back in there for the next eight to ten months requires a fistful of Vicodin, a stick to bite down on, a transcendental happy place, and a shit-ton of lube. I learned that lesson after my firstborn had a head like Newt Gingrich. The miles of scar tissue he left in his wake caused my vag to feel and behave as if it had grown a thousand hymens overnight.
