Communication Skills Training: A Practical Guide to Improving Your Social Intelligence, Presentation, Persuasion and Public Speaking

by Ian Tuhovsky

Honestly, your way of seeing the world might be very far from the truth. Maybe brains of other species see a more exact reflection of reality? Perhaps a dog’s brain is closer to perceiving the true nature of the world, despite the fact it sees it totally differently than a human? We have absolutely no evidence that states it is our species that sees the world as it really is, although we have a lot of proof that we can’t see, hear, feel or sense even a tiny bit of what many animals can. The other filters are acquired during our daily life. These are experiences, which create your personality right from birth, in addition to values, indoctrinated into your mind for many years by your parents, friends, education system and the rest of society.

There are your ambitions and expectations, and most importantly, your beliefs about the world.

They create the way in which you see the world, your own life, opportunities and relationships with other people. If you believe that the world is a cruel and insidious place, you will behave like that is the absolute and only truth. It will give you a lot of unpleasant emotions and experiences. If your belief is that the world is a wonderful and beautiful place full of helpful people, your thoughts, emotions, self-talk, relationships and entire life will be totally different.

If you want to make a change in how your sensory filters operate, you can only do it by taking stimulants. By intoxicating your brain, you make it perceive reality very differently. You’ve probably had a chance to notice that after drinking too many beers, the world appears to be quite different (until the painful morning!).

You can change your beliefs about the world that surrounds you and about other people. You can even change your deeply rooted values and your personal statement.

consciousness and truly transform yourself. Instead of changing particular behaviors, you can start by changing your beliefs. A lot of people in this world (maybe even the majority) hold onto beliefs that not only don’t help them, but simply hurt them and hold them back from real happiness and fulfillment. A different way of seeing the world means a completely different life. Remember that you always have a pair of “mental glasses” on your nose. These glasses can be black and a source of unhappiness, but they can also be colorful, which will make your life much more passionate and much easier.

When you accept and understand it, you notice that every human being has a different map of the world. Eventually you’ll come to the realization that every person on this planet has different life experiences, different beliefs, different values and expectations. Interpretation of the same information may be completely different when made by different people. There is no one objective truth.

Everyone is right according to their own map of the world.

But what ALWAYS happens is we stop and think who we are. Either consciously or subconsciously, it can happen in a fraction of a second. The way we react to this situation is simply a reflection of who we think we are.

We tend to think that we say and do what we say and do to other people because they did something to us. But that is not true. It has nothing to do with what happened. What people do and say to us has nothing to do with us at all. Therefore, we need to remember that everything we say and do is a reflection of who we think we are and what we believe. What people say to you—it’s about them. When you say anything, it’s about you. It reflects who you are.

This is quite a statement. Will look to implement this belief into my life.

Anything people say to you doesn’t have any meaning except for the meaning you give it.

“It’s my eighty-sixth day at the camp. I lost probably about 20 kilograms, I can see my every single bone and there are bruises on every centimeter of my body, but I’m still alive, which makes me really grateful. I also shared my bowl of grass soup with a starving little Jewish child, and the Nazis didn’t notice. Today I was looking at Nazi soldiers. Poor people, they are watching us from behind these metal bars. If I’m behind the bars, so they are. We can’t leave this place, and so they can’t until their vain mission is accomplished. Locked in this prison of foolish human pride and self-conceit, and they think we are the only ones trapped in here.”

In reality, it was just like I had a map of New York and they had a map of Los Angeles and we would argue for hours whether the harbor was in the west or in the south of the map.

How I feel when I speak to Kyle about Football.

Think about how much energy you lost in your life for such pointless arguments. Now, when you know that everyone has their own map of the world and sees reality differently, through individual prisms, it should be much easier to understand that very rarely is there such a thing as objective truth and being one hundred percent right about something.

not, then the verbal message cannot be done and makes no sense. Let me explain. When you hear: “Forget about the number 4,” or, “Don’t think about anything green,” you are not able to do it, because the process of forgetting is impossible (you can’t just forget about something in a second, on demand, can you?).

It is similar to common sandbox and playground comments parents so often tell

their children: “Be nice” (or any other adjective). The verb “to be” is unworkable, because it is impossible not “to be” when you’re alive. A child can’t really understand this concept, which frustrates both the child and their parent. Instead of throwing out vague words, specify exactly what the matter is and make sure that it is possible to perform a constructive action to have a concrete physical result.

Do not demand “motivation” from anyone, because it does not provide any solutions and doesn’t point to anything in particular. Instead, you could tell someone to straighten their back up, speak louder and talk about a specific goal or situation that makes them enthusiastic and excited. Anything you say must be precisely formulated—that is rule number two.

It is also estimated that the majority of e-mail communication (or online chat communication) is usually deformed, meaning that the reception of a message by the receiver is usually different than intention of its author.

Remember: always describe your feelings without attacking and offending your interlocutor. It will just lead you astray.

Every emotion is a result of our thoughts. The cause of each emotional state lies in our thinking.

The behavior of another person which we didn't like is then a stimulus, that activates (indicates, reminds us of) a real cause (a thought that starts to haunt us again). When your partner does not call you for a long time, you can feel anger and accuse them that they don’t care about you. However, if you look deeply at the real cause of your anger, you could realize that you simply need more love signals from your partner. Subconsciously, you decided to treat the stimulus (no phone call) as the cause. This is how we transfer the responsibility for our bad emotions to the external world instead of taking a better look at ourselves, our emotions, thoughts, feelings and needs.

The basic mistake most people commit when they are angry is blaming the other person for what and how they feel. They are not aware that anger really tells them about themselves.

The source of anger always lies in our thinking, beliefs and attitude. Our needs, expectations and judgements. If you feel anger, it very often means that some of your needs remain unfulfilled.

So what should you do when these intense emotions occur? Treat them as an alarm, a sign pointing to a certain unsolved problem. When the siren howls, direct all your attention inwards. Why do I feel anger? What exactly made me so angry? What am I missing that makes me feel this way? What do I need? Such insight and finding answers to these questions is not easy when we feel like we want to fight and pour these bad emotions on the other person. It is very important, however, to stop for a while, take a deep breath and give yourself a few moments to observe what is going on inside of you.

Have you even wondered why, in a frenzy of anger, we have such a huge need to throw unpleasant words at others and simply make them feel bad? Why can pouring this anger and psychological bullying be so pleasant? Simply, we want them to become aware of the pain we think they made us feel. We want to give these bad emotions back so that they admit their mistake, submit and surrender. We want them to finally change their behavior.

The problem is that when someone thinks they have done something wrong, they will not have the opportunity to empathize with your pain. They will allocate all of their energy into defending themselves.

If you are a frequent interrupter, do everything you can to stop this tendency.

How does it make you feel? Instead of playing a good uncle and giving your “helpful tips” to everyone (“If I were you, I would…”), try putting yourself in your interlocutor’s place or situation and reflecting on how you would feel when something like that happened to you. Eventually, you can give advice if that’s your field of expertise or you’re asked for it. Only just enough advice and not too much, only an honest attempt to understand your interlocutor deeply and nothing more.

By mastering the ability of concentration on what other people say to you, you get more valuable information. This enables you to focus on the real benefits of connecting with others and also allows you to be there, in the moment, which not only makes you much more likeable, but also more effective as a communicator. Thanks to this, you also make an impression of a trustworthy and understanding person and thereby, you build deeper relationships with others.

Listen patiently to the entire conversation and paraphrase often—the latter makes you rehearse what you have just been told and keeps your mind from wandering away.

Instead of handing out advice all the time, pay attention and show readiness to find something interesting in your conversation.

The use of fillers like “eeeer,” “uhmm,” “you know” (It’s a common illness; people are usually just afraid to take a pause and allow themselves to be totally silent for a while, which is a lot better than constant “uuhmmm”-ing and “you know”-ing.)

Your conversation should look like talking on a walkie-talkie or CB radio in the car. When one person talks, the other one listens.

When one side pushes the “transmit” button and also starts talking, they obviously won’t be able to hear what their interlocutor has just said and might have lost important information about what’s on the road ahead of them. Every time you talk to someone, try to remind yourself of the “CB radio” example.

A short pause (2-5 seconds) after a person stops talking is a very smart and savvy thing to do. When you pause, you accomplish three goals at the same time.

First of all, you avoid the risk of interrupting if the person is just taking a breath before continuing. The second benefit is that you show the other person that you’re taking careful consideration by not jumping in with your own comments at the earliest opportunity. The last benefit is that you actually hear the other person better. The words will soak into a deeper level of your mind and you will understand what they are really saying with greater clarity. By pausing, you mark yourself as a great person to talk to.

Empathy is helpful if you want to deescalate a frenzied situation. Sometimes all these people want is to be heard or paid undivided attention. They just lack the skills to communicate it in an effective way. Also, don’t take things personally. These people’s behaviors show their own level of self-development, emotional intelligence and communication skills, not yours. They might be tired, traumatized or in the middle of a difficult life situation.

This sound should be resonating, strong and firm. When you localize it, you need to speak in a slow and steady tone. When you speak too quickly, you project an image of uncertainty and nervousness. People tend to listen more when you speak slowly. You also want to keep your tone within a small range, without going up and down too much.

“I agree with that, but the subject is not what we could do with more funds we don’t have right now. We are discussing what we can do in our actual position.” Very simple, yet effective.

What should you say instead? “I need your help.” People like to help. Did you know that we tend to like people who we’ve helped before more than those who we haven’t? That’s actually one of the techniques in social psychology—if you want someone to like you more, ask them to help you with a small task. When you express these feelings, you are triggering positive emotions in them and they feel needed. They will also concentrate better on what you are trying to convey. It’s a great start for a “serious conversation,” which doesn’t have to be perceived as such, being more relaxed and productive instead.

Another phrase which we often use when someone gets us off track, says something unexpected or acts out of character is, “What’s wrong with you?!” It’s a good phrase if you really want to make someone feel bad, but if you want to solve a problem or difficult situation instead of annoying or hurting people, you need to erase it.

so don’t ask, “Are you damaged in some way?” Instead ask, “What’s bothering you?” Not only are you showing that you care about that person by saying this, but you’re also avoiding creating an even more stressful and neurotic atmosphere.

“I’m noticing a change from the regular pattern of so-and-so’s behavior…” or something much more objective and diplomatic. This way you sound like a professional, not expressing your subjective opinion, but simply stating a fact.

To have the ability of using these patterns more fluently, you should practice a lot. That's why it's best to choose two patterns per day and practice only those two.

People are not able to learn effectively when they feel bad. The key here is to associate the feedback containing information about what should be done differently with positive emotions.

Always consider this when giving video feedback to players.

You can lead entire conversations only by asking good questions (which, by the way, is a great mind exercise) on which you can learn much more about the topic and your speaker. When your interlocutor stops talking, ask them any question regarding the content of their speech.

- The general posture. Closed or open, the body curled or spread out and relaxed. If someone is lying on their back, do the same. Adjust arms and legs, but also the direction you are facing when sitting, etc.

A very important point. Many people make the mistake of being happy and smiling when they want to comfort the other person. It brings a completely opposite effect—your cheerful consolation might upset the person even more.

If you do it skillfully and not obviously, the other person will start to follow your lead towards a better, more pleasant emotional state. This is a great tool that