The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert

by John M. Gottman

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He understands that for his marriage to thrive, he has to share the driver’s seat.

Statistically speaking, when a man is not willing to share power with his partner there is an 81 percent chance that his marriage will self-destruct.

It just means that they let their husbands influence their decision making by taking their opinions and feelings into account. But too often, men do not return the favor.

But 65 percent of the men did not take either of these approaches. Instead, their response escalated their wives’ negativity. They did this in a very specific way: by trotting out one of the four horsemen. If the wife of one of these men said, “You’re not listening to me!” the husband would either ignore her (stonewall), become defensive (“Yes, I am!”), criticize (“I don’t listen because what you say never makes any sense”), or express contempt (“Why waste my time?”). Using one of the four horsemen to escalate a conflict is a telltale sign that a man is resisting his wife’s influence.

Rather than acknowledging his wife’s feelings, this kind of husband is using the four horsemen to drown her out, to obliterate her point of view.

Whatever the reason for the gender disparity, the data indicate that husbands are far more likely than their wives to use the four horsemen to escalate a marital disagreement. And when they do, they are also more likely to put their marriage at risk. So although it certainly makes sense for both partners to avoid intensifying conflicts in this way, the bottom line is that husbands need to be particularly vigilant about accepting their wives’ influence.

She has found that even at very young ages (one and a half years), boys will accept influence only from other boys when they play, whereas girls accept influence equally from girls or boys. At around ages five to seven, girls become fed up with this state of affairs and stop wanting to play with boys. From that age until puberty, our culture (and virtually all others) offers no formal structure for ensuring that boys and girls continue to interact.

More than 80 percent of the time, it’s the wife who brings up sticky marital issues, while the husband tries to avoid discussing them. This isn’t a symptom of a troubled marriage—it’s true in most happy marriages as well.

After the Honeymoon: “When choosing a long-term partner … you will inevitably be choosing a particular set of unsolvable problems that you’ll be grappling with for the next ten, twenty, or fifty years.”

In the next chapter, we’ll show you how to (1) make sure your start-up is soft rather than harsh, (2) learn the effective use of repair attempts, (3) monitor your physiology during tense discussions for warning signs of flooding, (4) learn how to compromise, and (5) become more tolerant of each other’s imperfections.

two types of disagreement you’re having—gridlocked or solvable.

successful relationships live by the motto “When you are in pain, the world stops and I listen.”

There is no absolute reality in marital conflict, only two subjective ones. This is true whether the disagreement is solvable or perpetual.

By studying intently what these couples did do, I have come up with a new model for resolving conflict in a loving relationship. My fifth principle entails the following steps: 1. Soften your start-up. 2. Learn to make and receive repair attempts. 3. Soothe yourself and each other. 4. Compromise. 5. Process any grievances so that they don’t linger.

If there’s one similarity between happy and unhappy heterosexual marriages, it’s that the wife is far more likely than the husband to bring up a touchy issue and to push to resolve it.

To comfort each other, you first need to talk earnestly about flooding. Ask yourself and each other these questions: • What makes each of us feel flooded? • How do we each typically bring up issues, feelings of irritability, or complaints? • Do either of us store things up? • Is there anything I can do that soothes you? • Is there anything you can do that soothes me? • What signals can we develop for letting the other know when we feel flooded? Can we take breaks?

STEP 4: Share your subjective reality and what you needed. Now let your partner know why you think you had those feelings at the time. In talking about your reality, be like a reporter. Avoid attack, blame, or criticism. Don’t in any way attribute intentions or motivations to your partner. Only discuss yourself. Use “I statements” (“I heard you say …”) not “You statements” (“You said …”). Also, tell your partner what you think you might have needed at the time of the incident. For example, if in Step 1 you said you felt that your opinions didn’t matter, perhaps, in retrospect, what you needed was to hear your partner say your opinions were valued. Or, if you felt sad, perhaps you needed to feel comforted.

IN RETROSPECT … 1. I needed to feel like you were listening. 2. I needed to feel like you were being patient with me. 3. I needed to feel like you wouldn’t overreact. 4. I needed you to tell me you loved me. 5. I needed a break from talking. 6. I needed to feel like you validated my point of view, even a little bit. 7. I needed to feel like you respected me. 8. I needed to feel I had your support and empathy.

Once you’re both feeling relatively composed, it’s time to come together and talk about each other’s day. Consider this a sanctioned whining session during which each person gets to complain about any catastrophes that occurred, while the other is understanding and supportive.

An important part of putting your spouse first and building this sense of solidarity is to not tolerate any contempt toward your spouse from your parents.

Evelyn’s parents either ignored him or lectured him on bottle feeding, childproofing, car seats, etc. They would constantly criticize him while making a big fuss over what a great mother Evelyn was.

What is the key to sexual satisfaction in a long-term relationship? In our study of couples with young children (a high-stress time in most marriages), we found that those whose sex lives were good to great made sex a priority rather than considering it the last obligation on a long to-do list.

One ritual for requesting sex that I find especially effective comes from noted sex therapist Lonnie Barbach. She suggests that couples use a scale from 1 to 9 to indicate how amorous each of them is feeling, with 1 meaning “Not at all amorous,” 5 meaning “I’m convince-able,” and 9 meaning “Let’s do it!” So, if your partner approaches and you’re not in the mood, you can say, “I love you and you are extremely sexy, but right now I’m at 1.” If you’re not sure, you could say, “Right now I’m a 5. So let’s kiss and see where it goes.”

You’ll know you’ve reached gridlock if: 1. You’ve had the same argument again and again with no resolution. 2. Neither of you can address the issue with humor, empathy, or affection. 3. The issue is becoming increasingly polarizing as time goes on. 4. Compromise seems impossible because it would mean selling out—giving up something important and core to your beliefs, values, or sense of self.

We call this sort of discussion the “Dreams Within Conflict” approach to gridlock.

That conversation marked a turning point in Kevin and Helen’s marriage. From then on they talked frequently about values like loyalty and generosity that had been instilled in them by hearing family stories as children.

And let’s face it: anyone you marry will be lacking in certain desirable qualities. The problem is that we tend to focus on what’s missing in our mate and overlook the fine qualities that are there—we take those for granted.