Something Like Thunder (Something Like, #6)

by Jay Bell

What was it about early mornings that seemed to super-charge the elderly and why did people his own age find them so damn hard to get through?

“Wanna hit the shower?” “Not really. I feel clean enough.” “Probably because you don’t have lube covering your ass. I feel like a glazed donut.

His heart was weary, inside and out. He didn’t know that was possible. If his heart wasn’t broken, it was exhausted. Strange how love could be so empowering, could make getting up every morning worthwhile, could provide endless energy to make the other person happy. What he never expected was to be presented with a bill at the end. The time had come to pay, and after scraping clean the deepest vaults of his soul, Nathaniel found he had nothing left to give. He was destitute.

Rebecca groaned. “I’m hopeless!” “No, you’re smart! I don’t want your first time to be with some idiot who treats a cup of coffee like an admission ticket to your pants.” “That would be dreadful,” Rebecca said without conviction. Then she shook her head. “No, you’re right. I’ll just keep waiting and hoping, all the while feeling pathetic.” “You’re not pathetic,” Nathaniel said. “And if you are, then so am I. I haven’t had sex since Caesar.” Rebecca bit her bottom lip. “Is that why he’s back in your life?” “No. We’re just friends.” “So you’re not going to get back together with him? Or at least hook up?” “Nope. We’ve hung out a few times, and it works. I won’t pretend there isn’t tension between us, but I’m trying to be a good role model for you. Although I might let him feel me up in the stacks.” Rebecca laughed, then shook her head. “Don’t you find it tragic that neither of us is getting laid? Aside from all the studying and degrees, isn’t that what college is about?” “That’s just the Hollywood version.” “It’s not. You should hear some of my friends talk.” Rebecca nudged him. “You know what we should do? This is going to take you right back to high school, so bear with me. I say we go shopping and buy a bunch of men’s clothes for me. A fake mustache too. Then we’ll head back to my place, make sure the room is really dark, and I’ll send my cousin in to pleasure you.” Nathaniel smirked. “This would be the cousin I’ve never heard of? Or met?” “Yeah, him. Just keep your eyes ...

“Love is like a dream. People often wake up from it and realize they’ve been with a stranger the entire time.” Caesar raised his head. “Where’d you read that? A fortune cookie?” Nathaniel smiled. “I wish. It’s sage advice. Might have saved me some heartache.” “Back when I ruined it all?” “Yup. Exactly.” Caesar strolled closer. “Maybe you’ve got it wrong. Maybe you wake up from the dream to realize it’s all true. I didn’t understand how much I loved you until I was dumb enough to throw it all away.” “You suck,” Nathaniel said evenly. “I know. But at least you like that about me.”

Seeing his brother capable of so gentle a gesture was a serious mind fuck. People could change. He believed that, although he usually didn’t consider his brother a human being. In Nathaniel’s mind he had long ago transformed into a monster. Maybe Sheila was his Belle, the power of her love banishing the beast. And maybe an absence of love had cursed him in the first place. Nathaniel had to admit there were times he felt himself growing callous, the defenses he had erected around himself feeling more like a prison. He didn’t want to exchange places with his brother, to become so full of bitterness and rage. The alternative meant leaving himself unguarded, his tender heart vulnerable to Cupid’s arrow. But surely that was better than turning to stone.

People don’t stop wanting other people.

A new life. With nothing to weigh him down except what he could fit in his car. Nathaniel flew back to Connecticut at the end of spring break, spending one more night in his old apartment. He packed everything he could into boxes. The next day, when Rebecca went to class, he loaded the car with clothes, his movie collection, the television, his surround sound system, and enough pots, dishes, and utensils for one person. He even managed a few lamps, but that still left the couch and bed. Both were a lost cause. He and Rebecca had gone halfsies on the couch, which had set them back hundreds of dollars. He considered the couch carefully, then took off all the cushions and shoved them in the car, because fuck her.

Kelly shook his head. “You’re determined to be offensive, aren’t you?” “Maybe I’m trying to scare you off,” Nathaniel said, feeling brave. Kelly looked him over. “You’ll have to try harder than that, but only because you’re hot.” Nathaniel smiled. “I’m no model. And don’t worry. I’m not usually an asshole.” “Too bad,” Kelly said. “I’ve had my fill of nice guys.” “Really?” “Yes. The problem with a truly nice person is that they’re nice to everyone, not just you. Most of the time that’s endearing, but in some situations it hurts like hell.” “Yeah,” Nathaniel said, thinking of Caesar. “Some people have a little too much love in their hearts.” “That they do,” Kelly said. “Too much salt, not enough pepper.” “Too much angel, not enough asshole.” After a pause, they both laughed. “I promise you I’m no angel,” Nathaniel said. Kelly’s smile was playful. “Prove it.”

“You wanna come home with me?” Kelly stared straight ahead. Then he looked over. “Yes.” Nathaniel smiled. “Good.” His heart was thudding. He wanted nothing more than to start the car and get them to his place, but he had to be sure. “Listen, I don’t want any mixed signals here. I’m good for a fling. That’s about it.” Kelly shook his head, as if not understanding. “You think that’s all I’m after?” “I’m not sure, which is why I want to clear the air. I’m not the relationship type. I’d love to wake up next to you, but it wouldn’t change anything. I’ll make you breakfast—or maybe Zero will finally master scrambled eggs—and then we’ll carry on just like before. Does that make sense?” Kelly searched his eyes. “I want more.” More. A relationship and the wonderful honeymoon period where everything ahead of them was full of possibilities and love. But “more” also meant finding out who they really were, getting hurt, and wondering how they had been stupid enough to begin in the first place. Nathaniel couldn’t do that. “Then maybe I should take you home.” Kelly’s lips quivered, then settled into a firm line. “I guess you should.” Nathaniel started the car, the interior stuffy. Suffocating, like he couldn’t breathe. Even rolling down the windows didn’t help. He considered turning on music to drown out the silence, but part of him still hoped Kelly would reconsider or maybe find some magical words to change his mind, but neither of them spoke. Not until they were parked in front of Kel...

When not at work, Nathaniel was horny as hell, but jacking off provided little relief. A marathon of Christopher Nolan’s blissfully delirious early films helped, but once the credits rolled and the TV was off, Nathaniel struggled to find sleep. Such as tonight. The steady patter of rain on the roof had slowed and stopped, the drops on the bedroom window reflecting distant lights. Nathaniel stared at these and wondered when his feverish need would finally break. That’s when he heard the knocks, few but insistent. Nathaniel glanced at the clock. Then he swung out of bed, grabbed his robe, and went to the door. He looked through the peephole, recognizing a face that haunted his fantasies despite it being distorted by the fisheye lens. When he opened the door, he saw raindrops still resting like little diamonds in the dark hair. “Kelly?” Nathaniel liked how that name felt on his lips. Zero chose that moment to run for the door, Nathaniel stopping him with a well-timed leg and ordering him to stay back. Once he complied, Nathaniel returned his attention to his unexpected guest. “Any idea how late it is?” “Two in the morning,” Kelly replied, radiating confidence. “I finished thinking. What we talked about, I reached a decision.” “Oh yeah?” “Yeah.” Kelly came closer. Just a few inches, but already Nathaniel felt his body reacting. “Just friends. Nothing more.” If that were true, he wouldn’t have shown up at this hour. “Strictly platonic?” “Strictly?” Kelly leaned forward. “I don’...

Kelly was drunk in the most wonderful way possible. He kept laughing and speaking in funny voices, asking the same questions over and over after forgetting the answers. He stumbled out onto the wooden patio of their hotel suite that overlooked the ocean but offered a hot tub in case they were feeling lazy. Kelly obviously did, because he started ripping off his clothes, at one point spinning around dangerously while battling with his shirt. “Easy now,” Nathaniel said, grabbing him by the shoulders. He’d decided to remain sober, mostly because of situations such as these. “You’ve had enough brushes with water tonight, don’t you think?” “Nope. Hot tub. Right now.” When Kelly struggled with his shirt again, Nathaniel helped him take it off. Then Kelly started messing with his shorts. “All of it?” Nathaniel asked. Kelly’s nod was exaggerated. “Naked. You too.” He was feeling silly rather than horny because he wasn’t hard when Nathaniel helped him out of his underwear. That’s more than he could say for himself as he stripped down, but Kelly was too distracted to notice as they both slipped into the tub. Kelly sighed, as if feeling relief, which raised a question Nathaniel finally felt brave enough to ask. Funny how alcohol could summon courage for the person drinking, and also for those who remained sober. He could ask anything he wanted and there was a fair chance Kelly wouldn’t remember later. “Does it hurt?” Kelly looked at him, struggling to focus, but the question seemed t...

“To know love is to know loss.” The podium Marcello stood behind did little to conceal his bulk. Like the audience he faced, he was dressed in all black, his expression somber. To his left and right were a number of Kelly’s photos, which had been enlarged and placed on easels for the audience to see. In one Zero was running across the yard, his feet barely touching the ground. The next image was of great contrast: Zero in the final days of his illness, his hind legs on a cart with wheels so he wouldn’t have to drag them around. Just before the unexpected had happened. A flowered wreath hung off the easel of this photo, causing Nathaniel to swallow painfully. “Love’s greatest challenge is not endurance. Nor is it fidelity or sacrifice. Love’s greatest challenge is recovery. A heart that has loved and lost is put through the ultimate trial. Failure means the unthinkable—never loving again. Success brings with it sweet redemption. Not a reprieve from the pain, but compensation in the form of discovery, the knowledge that love comes in infinite forms. All of them unique, all of them of equal importance. And yet, none an adequate substitute for the other. At times such as these, when faced with the end, it can be hard to be so visionary, to see light past the dark. For me especially, because let’s face it, I’m the one who has lost the most here.” He gestured at the photos on display: Zero, Kelly, and Nathaniel running together at the high school track. One of Kelly at the heigh...