Heart Of A Goon

by Jahquel J.

I never wanted to change the woman that she was. Just heal her.

Trusting a man was like putting your hand in fire. You ended up with burns, and it was stupid.

I had taken a special interest in her long ago, and in a way, felt responsible for her. There had been others before me, and none of them wanted to do the work. They only wanted what she came with, never wanting to do the work to pull the softness out of her. The softness that I knew she desperately wanted to reveal. There hadn’t been a man she deemed worthy of witnessing it.

“Then you realize that these women aren’t the average. They’re not like these leech ass bitches that just wanna be spoiled by a nigga because he got money. Gorgeous wasn’t made for a soft nigga, or easy love. She been operating in survival mode for so long that it was hard for her. Hard to surrender the load she been carrying and put it in my hands.”

“Never… I made sure everything I promised; I came through on. I asked a lot of her. To trust a man she didn’t know, and to trust him to come through on his word.

Mainly because he paid attention to me. I couldn’t say I had ever dated a man that paid attention and actually cared. Men always pretended to care, when in reality, they were focused on one thing.

Not because he would have a one up on me. He wanted to figure me out because he wanted to find a way to heal me. Make me into a version that I craved to be, however, was too scared to become.

Trusting a man with everything, allowing him to pull down my walls one piece at a time, required a special set of skills, and I could tell Gerald Wraithe had them. Based off his actions, words, and the way he commanded a room. He was a leader. Even knowing all of that, I was still terrified of getting the short end of the stick. Fear always won.

I’m always going to handle you with care. Works both ways, baby, I need you to allow me to do that. I need you to give yourself to me and want to give yourself to me. Trust that I’m never going to fumble you because I’d rather die before I do some sucka shit like that.”

“I’ve always had to be strong… It was something we all had to be. There was never any room for me not to be, Goo. Shit is hard allowing someone in. Giving someone access and permission to break every part of me because I finally gave them that piece of my heart.”

“The worst part of wanting to be fragile is that lie in your head that tells you that you can’t control how I treat you. As if you’re supposed to just allow me to do any and everything without your input, and baby that’s not true.”

I was coming crazy when it came to Zoya already, but I’ve been inside of her, told her I loved her, so we were basically married. Actually, been married for about ten years.