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Not even the bruises were interesting enough to get a comment, it seemed.
Andrew had shifted closer. There was nowhere for Neil to stand except up against Andrew, but somehow Neil didn't mind. They'd been apart for seven weeks but Neil keenly remembered why he'd stayed. He remembered this unyielding, unquestioning weight that could hold him and all of his problems up without breaking a sweat. For the first time in months he could finally breathe again. It was such a relief it was frightening; Neil hadn't meant to lean on Andrew so much.
"You spend all this time watching our backs," Neil said. "Who's watching yours? Don't say you are, because you and I both know you take shit care of yourself."
"The next time someone comes for you, stand down and let me deal with it. Do you understand?" "If it means losing you, then no," Neil said. "I hate you," Andrew said casually.
The only people who'd ever hugged Neil were his teammates,
His mother had pulled him close before, but usually it was when they were sidestepping curious eyes and she wanted to shield him with her body. She'd never held him like he was something to be sheltered. She'd always been hard.
She was gone. Even if she was here, she wouldn't have comforted him for this. She wouldn't have held him like he was a hard breath away from shaking apart.
"If you say it's good, I'll believe you," Neil said. "Not scared of Riko, but scared of your own reflection?" Allison crossed her arms over her chest and treated him to a pitying look. "You are one messed-up child. You come by that naturally or did your parents do that to you?"
"Do your teammates still think you're the quiet one?" Andrew asked.
"Look at me." Andrew's mouth gave a violent twitch, a grimace he forcibly repressed, and he finally looked up. The darkness in his stare almost took Neil's breath away.
"Am I bothering you?" "Beyond the telling." "Interesting," Neil said. "Last week you said nothing gets under your skin."
"Damn, Neil." Aaron shot him a livid look. "Don't you dare take his side." "Why not?" Nicky asked. "It's not like you've ever let me take yours."
"He regrets keeping me now, I'm sure." "Andrew doesn't believe in regret;
"I'm tired of being nothing,"
Andrew kissed him like this was a fight with their lives on the line, like his world stopped and started with Neil's mouth.
"I won't be like them. I won't let you let me be."
"Hey," he said, but Andrew didn't look at him. "Thank you." "Go away before I push you off the side," Andrew said. "Do it. I'd drag you with me," Neil reminded him, and left Andrew to his thoughts.
Befriending the Foxes was inadvisable but inevitable. Kissing one of them was unthinkable and went against everything he knew.
He told himself not to think about it right now, but his mouth still remembered the weight of Andrew's lips and that made his hair stand on end.
Neil built his life around Exy after his mother died because he needed something to live for, but Neil wasn't alone anymore.
"What are you hoping for, coordinates?" "I'm hoping to know where the lines are before I cross them," Neil said, "but I'm open to drawing a map on you if you want to loan me a marker. That's not a bad idea." "Everything about you is a bad idea," Andrew said, as if Neil didn't already know that.
"I'm still waiting for a yes or no I actually believe," Andrew returned. "Yes."
"We won," Neil said. He waited, but of course Andrew didn't respond to that. Neil tried to stamp out his frustration but couldn't stop all of a sigh. "Would it kill you to let something in?" "It almost did last time," Andrew said.
"I have nothing to say to you." "If I talk about something else, will you talk to me?" Andrew quirked a brow at him. "Can you talk about something else?"
"Yes," Neil said. "I am a thousand percent sure we are going to face the Ravens in finals this spring, and I know for a fact we are going to win this time. And when the nation's best loses to a nine-man 'know-nothing' team—when they lose to a team their own coach likened to feral dogs—Edgar Allan is going to have to change things up.
After a moment's consideration he pulled Neil's hands free and held them up by his head. He kissed Neil like he wanted to bruise his lips and leaned back to fix Neil with an intense stare. "Just here." "Okay," Neil said, and dug his fingers into Andrew's hair as soon as Andrew's grip went slack.
"What about—" Neil started. Andrew cut him off with a low, "Don't." "You can't go back to Kevin and Nicky like that." "I said be quiet." "You said 'don't'," Neil said.
"Go," Andrew said. "Where?" Neil asked. "Anywhere I can't see you," Andrew said.
There's nothing else I can give you in exchange for your protection." "I will think of something." "I don't want you to," Neil said. "I need you to let me go."
"No one wants to hear that right now," Neil said. "If you hit me again," Kevin started. Andrew cut in with a casual, "You'll what?" Kevin shut up but didn't look happy about it.
Staying up here with them, though, meant leaving Andrew alone for the second half of the trip. Neil knew he likely wouldn't notice or care that he'd been abandoned, but for some reason the thought rankled him.
"I didn't say anything then because I knew I'd look out for only me when the world went to hell. I don't want to be that person anymore. I want to go back for you."
He was sorry to leave them with all of his lies, sorry they'd have to get the truth from Kevin after the fact. They were all right here with him still but he missed them with a ferocity that threatened to turn him inside-out.
They might hate him, they might fear him, and they would likely never forgive him, but Nathaniel couldn't leave them like this.
Andrew pressed two fingers to the underside of Nathaniel's chin to turn his head. Nathaniel let himself be guided and said nothing while Andrew looked his fill. When Andrew dropped his hand and clenched it in Nathaniel's hoodie, Nathaniel risked looking back at him. There was violence in Andrew's eyes, but at least he hadn't shoved Nathaniel away yet. That had to count for something.
For a moment Nathaniel was months away from this moment, standing in the darkened front hall of Andrew's house for the first time with a warm key digging into his palm. It felt like coming home, and it was enough to take the edge off his fear.
"You're staying with us. If they try to take you away they will lose."
"Good," Wymack said. "I'd have a hell of a time fitting 'Wesninski' on a jersey."
Andrew tugged Nathaniel's hoodie and said in German, "Get rid of them before I kill them."
"I have to go," Andrew said. "I don't trust them to give you back."
"But come back to us as soon as they're done with you, okay? We'll figure this out as a team." "As a family." Nicky attempted a smile.
"Can I really be Neil again?" "I told Neil to stay," Andrew said. "Leave Nathaniel buried in Baltimore with his father."
"Neil Abram Josten," Neil murmured, and it felt like waking up from a bad dream.
Dan got up and crossed the room to give Neil a careful hug. She didn't hold him like Abby once had, like she thought he might fall apart without her support. There was a muted ferocity in the fingers that bit into his arms and he could feel the tension in her body where she leaned against him. This wasn't comfort; it was something protective and defiant. She was staking claim over him as one of her team.
"I have no secrets left to trade." "Come up with something else." "What would you take?" "What would you give me?" "Don't ask questions you already know the answer to,"
"The fewer you give me, the more you'll hate what I ask." "I hate everything about you anyway," Andrew said. "I won't notice."
"How does it feel to sell yourself out?" Andrew asked. "Worth every penny," Neil said.
"Who said 'please' that made you hate the word so much?" Andrew gazed at him in silence for a minute. "I did."
Then Andrew was back, as calm and uncaring as always, and he caught Neil's wrist to push his hand to his side. He dug his fingers in before letting go, not quite hard enough to hurt, and said, "That's why."
