Before We Were Strangers

by Renee Carlino

the sound of a cello in Grand Central or Washington Square Park on a warm day, could transport me right back to that year in college. The year I spent falling in love with her.

Fifteen years is too long to be holding on to a few heart-pounding moments from college.

You called us fast friends. I like to think it was more.

We lived on nothing but the excitement of finding ourselves through music ( you were obsessed with Jeff Buckley ), photography ( I couldn’t stop taking pictures of you ), hanging out in Washington Square Park, and all the weird things we did to make money. I learned more about myself that year than any other.

I might be totally out of my mind, but would you like to get a drink with me and catch up on the last decade and a half?

Something about her made me want to get to know her in every possible way.

Three seconds doesn’t seem like a long time, but when you’re gazing into someone’s eyes, it’s long enough to make a silent promise.

“You don’t take me seriously, do you, Matt?” His eyes shot open. He pulled me flush to his body so I could feel him hard against me. “Is that serious enough for you?” he said, roughly.

“What, are you like a porn connoisseur?” “No. Men learn nothing from porn. I think porn is more about pleasing men.” Matt was wise beyond his years. “Hmm, maybe I should watch some then.” “You’ll be fine. Your mere existence is pleasing enough. Trust me.”

“I don’t want anyone else either.” Ever.

“I think we decided that we’re just going to do what feels right.” He nodded as I spoke. “Just with each other . . . until you leave.” All the sounds from the machines stopped. It was completely silent and still. “Friends forever, though, right?” He studied my face carefully, and it looked as if he were cataloging the memory.

You can’t re-create the first time you promise to love someone or the first time you feel loved by another. You cannot relive the sensation of fear, admiration, self-consciousness, passion, and desire all mixed into one because it never happens twice. You chase it like the first high for the rest of your life. It doesn’t mean you can’t love another or move on; it just means that the one spontaneous moment, the split second that you took the leap, when your heart was racing and your mind was muddled with What ifs?—that moment—will never happen the same way again.

He lifted the dress over my head and then braced the back of my neck and kissed me like it was his only purpose in life.

You have to admit that comic relief isn’t always a bad thing right before you’re about lose your virginity.

It was such a strange idea knowing he and I were moving for our own pleasure while giving it back to each other, equally.

The echoes of his voice kept playing over and over in my mind as we moved together. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you too. Always. Forever.

“I took those when I was a kid,” Matt said. “They’re amazing.” I stood to get a closer look and Matt followed. “She was like your first muse.” I turned and looked up into his dark, squinting eyes. Everything froze for a moment. He looked at my mouth, slightly parted. He ran his fingertips down my cheek and the callused pads of his thumbs felt divine against my skin. I shivered. “You’re my first muse, Grace.”

Aletha’s small gesture reminded me how much I yearned for a nurturing mother—one who didn’t let my father’s drinking rule our lives. One who sounded excited, who wanted to know me when I called.

“Grace, will you do something with me?” “Anything.” Ask me to go with you. Tell me you’ll stay. Tell me you’ll marry me. For real this time.

‘Poetry is just the evidence of life. If your life is burning well, poetry is just the ash.’ ”

It’s not good-bye. It’s not good-bye. Never say good-bye.

And then, at the very end, I read three sentences that changed the course of my life forever.

But Orvin once told me that time is the currency of life. And I had lost so much of it. It was that idea of lost time that finally made me realize I needed to move on, that I would never have what I once had with Matt. I had to mourn our relationship and move on.

I Looked for You Inside of Everyone Else

“We were victims of bad timing. But here we are again.”

“Call me old-fashioned.” “I don’t think you’re old-fashioned.” She was standing near the wall, staring up at the picture that had won me so many awards. “Passé?” I asked as I handed her the glass. “Timeless,” she answered with a grin. I wished instantly that she was speaking of us. Weren’t we though? Timeless? Nothing could change what we’d had all those years before, even if the idea of what might’ve been lingered between us.