No Bad Kids: Toddler Discipline Without Shame

by Janet Lansbury

difficult behavior is a request for help

acknowledge my child’s feelings and point-of-view. The importance of this can’t be overemphasized.

I have the confidence to set and hold limits early (before I get annoyed or resentful) and do so calmly, directly, honestly, non-punitively.

6. I have the courage to allow feelings to run their full course without trying to calm, rush, fix, shush, or talk my child out of them. I might say, “You have some very strong feelings about that,” rather than yelling, “Enough!”

Or we might say: “I won’t let you hit. You’re so upset that I had to put my phone away when you wanted to play with it. I know.” “I won’t let you bite me. That hurts. I’m going to have to put you down and get something you can bite safely.” “Can you come indoors yourself or do you need my help? Looks like you need help, so I’m going to pick you up.”

The assistance they need is an anchor — our patient presence and empathy while they safely ride this wave out.

After all, how can we hold a grudge against a person whose impulses are bigger than they are?

He’s assured he has anchors — patient teachers capable of handling anything he tosses their way with relative ease.

“Toddlers test limits to find out about themselves and other people. By stopping children in a firm, but respectful way when they push our limits, we’re helping them to figure out their world and to feel safe.”

She’s not trying to torture you; she’s just feeling her power and playing her role, which is to resist anything she perceives as pressure.

Temper reactions and responses. Be aware of subtext. Make eating solely about the relationship between Tessa and her tummy. Don’t get excited when she eats well, disappointed when she doesn’t, coax or encourage her. For now and the future, be careful not to give Tessa the impression that the amount she eats pleases or even affects mom, dad, or anyone.

Instead, encourage her to focus on her physical needs — her appetite and sense of fullness — by staying neutral. This requires tempering feelings, curbing both enthusiasm and worry. Since our toddlers are very, very, very smart and can read between the lines, we can’t even give them the gentle reminder that they like eggs without them sensing our agenda. Believe it.

not to get angry or annoyed if she acts out with food. Keep your cool and say something like “Hmmm. You’re spitting. You must be telling me you’re done.”

If you were a less empathetic, knowledgeable parent, you’d probably spank her or put her in time- out; but since you are respectful and enlightened, I advise something far more effective: adjust your perspective.

Truly, when children repeatedly test, it is more often than not the direct result of our previous responses.

Discern needs and do our best to meet them

In the diverse and sometimes divisive world of parenting advice, one parent’s mistake is another’s best practice.

Help me, I’m tired. Help me, I have low blood sugar. Help me stop hitting my friends. Help me stop annoying or angering you. (Better yet, stop me before I do those things.) Help me by remaining calm so I sense how capable you are at taking care of me. Help me by empathizing, so that I know you understand and still love me. Help me so that I can let go of these urges and distractions and be playful, joyful, and free again.

A vital part of her development right now is testing her power and her will,

So, defiance at this age is normal and healthy.

Feeling too powerful means feeling uncared for, and toddlers are acutely aware of their need for our care.

Taking care of yourself and your child — prioritizing your relationship to this extent — is the ultimate in great parenting and something to feel extremely proud of. Children don’t want to be considered bothersome, frustrating, or annoying, and they don’t deserve our resentment. But only we can set the limits necessary (and early enough) to prevent these feelings from cropping up and poisoning our relationship. I

by a popular, gentle parenting adviser. This mom’s biggest challenge is setting limits confidently. She’s especially prone to self-doubt and guilt if the situation pertains to her personal limits or isn’t as clear-cut as a safety issue.

We can’t be clear with our toddlers if we don’t have clarity ourselves. This is why issues involving safety tend to be the easiest for parents to say “no” to. Much more

Also remember that toddlers are incredibly aware, especially tuned in to their parents, and learning all the time. So the question is never “Are they learning?” It’s “What are they learning?”

she can exert control in areas that aren’t hers to lead.

The verbal examples are commonly in third person: “It is not okay to…”; “Mommy doesn’t like it when you…”; or “Joey isn’t allowed to…” Then there’s the philosophical approach: “Faces are not for slapping”; “Streets are not for running into”; “Friends are not for biting.” Or, the ‘royal we’: “We don’t throw food” (while our perceptive toddlers are thinking: Well, some of us don’t).

By the time they are 18 months of age, most children are fully aware of many of the things we don’t want them to do. So, why do they do them? There are many possibilities to consider, but only after we fulfill the child’s number one need in that moment

of limit-pushing behavior. If we hesitate to set a limit with conviction because we’re trying to figure out what is driving our child’s behavior, he or she is left with a faltering, vague, or inconclusive message instead of real help. The most common need children have when they act out is our attention, beginning with a very specific kind of attention — a kind but firm acknowledgement of their behavior and of our expectation.

I’ve found it helpful to remind myself that we can’t control another person’s feelings. We can only control the freedom our child feels to express them. Encouraging

“Wow, you were so upset that I said you couldn’t have another piece of that yummy cake.

If head-banging becomes a frequent habit, definitely consult a professional, but the typical child will not deliberately hurt himself. A calm, accepting attitude, while perhaps slipping a pillow under the child’s head (“I’m putting this here to keep you safe”), is our best response. If we become frantic, punitive, or agitated (in other words, we let the behavior push our buttons), the child might consciously repeat it.

usually need the comfort of more direction and less choice than they do at play time.

Meaning, whenever possible, we don’t give children the freedom to irritate us through their behavior.

Also, when we placate children by allowing them to do what we don’t really want them to do, we end up being the ones who want to explode, and that can be dangerous.

It helps to be strongly attuned to our own inner-rhythm – to know what your needs are, and to convey this to your family so they learn to respect your needs, too. Ongoingly sacrificing your own needs for the child’s can create inward anger within both of you.”

Providing boundaries with honesty and respect is the surest way to foster emotional security, which will endow our children with a lifetime of happiness and freedom.

These are the practices that turned everything around for this family: 1. Respectful, honest, first-person communication. 2. Acknowledging desires and feelings. 3. Keeping directions simple and concise. 4. A confident, matter-of-fact, unquestioning tone. 5. Gently following through. For example, catching the child’s hands (or feet) when he lashes out while saying, “I won’t let you hit.” If we don’t follow through, children stop taking our directions seriously. 6. Limiting screens and over-stimulating toys. 7. Belief in their child’s ability to actively participate in creating solutions.