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Kindle Notes & Highlights
by
John Karter
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January 10 - April 4, 2023
Unconscious needs are a different matter because these are out of awareness and until they have been consciously acknowledged they cannot be talked about or dealt with.
I have been astonished that men could die martyrs for their religion – I have shudder’d at it. I shudder no more. I could be martyr’d for my religion Love is my religion And I could die for that. I could die for you.
sometimes we give to our partners what we need in the mistaken belief that this is what they need too.
Women: caring, understanding, respect, devotion, validation, reassurance Men: trust, acceptance, appreciation, admiration, approval, encouragement.
Human needs, especially psychological and emotional ones, have all too frequently received a bad press; there is a widespread misconception that they are a sign of being weak, psychologically flawed or overly demanding, so we hear of people being talked of in a derogatory way as ‘needy’.
All men’s miseries derive from not being able to sit in a quiet room alone. Blaise Pascal
The first is known as ‘secure attachment’, in which a child feels sure that the caregiver will return, even though they feel some distress when they leave.
Thirdly, there is ‘avoidant attachment’, where children who received minimal or abusive care show no preference between a caregiver and a stranger because no bond has been formed.
Unmanageable lifestyle: everything else in the addict’s life becomes chaotic to a greater or lesser degree because the addiction takes priority.
Tolerance or escalation of use: the addict needs more and more of whatever it is that he or she craves.
Withdrawal symptoms upon quitting: emotional and/or physical pain and suffering when the addict t...
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The love addict idealizes and compulsively pursues someone; then blames them for not fulfilling their fantasies and expectations, before moving on to the next one.
‘They are running from themselves – as though a frightening ghost lurked inside, a ghost of loneliness.’
‘We have nothing to fear but fear itself’.
You will never be fully content in a relationship until you are happy being alone with yourself.
Love does not consist in gazing at each other, but looking outward together in the same direction Antoine de Saint-Exupéry
‘When we want to read of the deeds that are done for love, whither do we turn? To the murder column.’
a far greater proportion of women (87 per cent) were upset by the idea of emotional betrayal as opposed to sexual betrayal.
‘Once the realization is accepted that even between the closest human beings infinite distances continue, a wonderful living side by side can grow, if they succeed in loving the distance between them which makes it possible for each to see the other whole against the sky.’
Trying to chain your partner to your side will only make them see the relationship as a prison.
But here is the crucial thing about change – it will happen whether you like it or not.
summary of the steps involved in dealing with change in a positive way: • Change happens • Anticipate change • Monitor change • Adapt to change quickly • Change • Enjoy change • Be ready to change quickly and enjoy it again and again.
‘Mental action can alter the brain chemistry of an OCD patient. The mind can change the brain.’
‘Life, at its best, is a flowing, changing process in which nothing is fixed … I find I am at my best when I can let the flow of my experience carry me, in a direction which appears to be forward, toward goals of which I am but dimly aware … Life is guided by a changing understanding of and interpretation of my experience. It is always in process of becoming.’
‘They must often change, who would be constant in happiness or wisdom.’
Lack of change means stagnation, which can damage a relationship by default. Staying the same is not an option.
Research on listening processes has shown that couples in unhappy marriages and relationships find it hard to ‘decode’ or interpret non-verbal communication from their spouses.
Empathy: trying to put yourself in your partner’s shoes and understand what they are feeling. In other words, to see the world – and your relationship – through their eyes.
Congruence: being genuine or real in your attitude and responses and not offering a false picture of how you see your partner (although there are times when discretion and diplomacy are necessary).
Communication is a two-way process. Without proper listening, communication means nothing.
The state of your life is nothing more than a reflection of your state of mind. Dr Wayne Dyer
Children Learn What They Live If a child lives with criticism, he learns to condemn. If a child lives with shame, he learns to feel guilty. If a child lives with encouragement, he learns confidence. If a child lives with acceptance and friendship, he learns to find love in the world.
Low self-esteem is also responsible for ‘self-fulfilling prophecies’, another unconscious psychological mechanism, in which we bring about or ‘set up’ circumstances we fear without realizing we are doing so.
Eleanor Roosevelt: ‘Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent.’
Insecurity, self-doubt and poor self-image can bring about the very thing you fear.
Whenever you’re in conflict with someone, there is one factor that can make the difference between damaging your relationship and deepening it. That factor is attitude. William James
If one partner is not prepared to get involved in a potential conflict situation, it can signify that they have no emotional investment in the partnership.
Securely attached people usually have more of a capacity for handling conflict constructively and negotiating compromise with their partner.
People grow and mature through dealing positively with struggles and adversity.
It takes a degree of humility – that important but so often neglected quality – to give up the need to be right and to concede that the other person’s view has merit and maybe even takes precedence over your own view of things (politicians please note!).
‘The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse’, these are: • Criticism – verbally attacking or belittling the partner • Defensiveness – claiming their own behaviour was acceptable or justified • Contempt – showing scorn for their partner • Stonewalling – refusing to acknowledge or discuss problems in the relationship.
‘A cognitive-affective state characterized by intrusive and obsessive fantasizing concerning reciprocity of amorant feelings by the object of the amorance.’
However, the irony with this ‘loved-up’ state of mind is that it often brings about the opposite of what we are trying to achieve. When we wait by the phone, check text messages over and over again, or try to imagine what they are doing, and who they are with every second of every day, we are, in effect, out of control.
Being in a state of limerence is similar to the soaring highs and despairing lows which are experienced by people suffering from manic depression (also known as bipolar disorder).
Denial is the name of the game and loved up individuals are past masters at it.
the brain ‘in a state of love’ and the brain ‘in a state of mental illness’ show a ‘considerable overlap’.
When PEA is released into our system, our adrenaline levels increase and this in turn stimulates the release of dopamine, a chemical that is involved with many important human functions. These include behaviour, thinking, movement, and what is known by psychologists as ‘reward-based’ behaviour, which is often associated with addictions.
partner selection: 1. Public aspects, which include social pressures such as class, religion and money; as well as ethnicity, religion and education. 2. Conscious expectations, covering values and attitudes, shared interests and physical appearance. 3. Unconscious attractions, which form the basis of the instant ‘chemistry’ between two people.
This ‘knowing without knowing’ is the basis for Dicks’ third category, the unconscious aspects of attraction that draw us to people of similar backgrounds.
The metaphor of an iceberg is often used to illustrate this: the tip above the surface represents the conscious mind, and the far greater mass below the surface, the unconscious mind.
