Reaper and Ruin (Saint View Murder Squad #3)

by Elle Thorpe

“I am a land-dwelling creature, Whip! I am not made for the sea!”

“I’m Rose, not Jack! Let me on the door!”

“More like lugged from the ocean with sand in your ass crack,” Whip countered. “And the only thing rising is my blood pressure.”

“If you thank the Lord for his divine intervention after you nearly fucking drowned me, I swear, I’m going to cut you.”

“I lied!” I howled, clutching at the chair dramatically. “I am but a fragile vessel of pain!” Violet blinked at me. “You said you couldn’t feel anything.” I sat back and gave them both a sheepish smile. “I can’t. I just thought it’d be funnier if I screamed.”

“It’s hard to call you Omelet when I just want to call you mine.” He shifted behind me, pressing a gentle kiss to my shoulder. “I love you. Violet.”

“We’ll have a ceremony in the park so Reginald can attend! I’ll get him a little ducky tux!”

“Don’t worry, Omelet. I’m armed and dangerous.”

He was sitting upright in the bed, his attention focused on the door, his body primed for action. My vibrator clutched in his hands like a bat.

“X! You have no clothes on!” “Well, that’s their punishment, isn’t it?”

“You can just be on your merry way now! We’re awake, we’ve called the police, and we are naked!”

“Violet, are you aware there is a naked man in your apartment with nothing but a frying pan to cover himself?”

normally wear less frying pans when meeting parents.”

“I also vacuum in heels and throw dinner parties for my imaginary friends. Try to keep up.”

“Oh, look at jealous little Levi. All mad because for a split second he thought I’d had Whip’s anaconda in my moist cave of wonders.”

“You gag like this when his steel pole is tapping out Morse code on your tonsils?”

“I was gone ten minutes. TEN MINUTES! And y’all turned my place into Pornhub Premium?” He grinned. “I bought cucumbers but I’m guessing you’re good on dick-shaped objects, Violet?”

“Make way, boys. Daddy’s home, and he brought the chaos kink.”

“Did you just refer to yourself as Daddy?” “Yes, and you’re both grounded. Get naked and think about what you’ve done.”

Top notch. Can’t remember my own name sort of blow job. Do they have a Guinness Book of World Records for sexual acts? If so, I’m submitting that one.”

“I only did it because I love you!” I searched for another missile to pitch at his head but came up empty-handed, and the effort had me drained. “This isn’t love. It’s premeditated intestinal manslaughter.”

“Get under the covers before you collapse and die. I don’t want to have to explain to Levi how I had to bury you in Mrs. Sinterro’s turnip patch while they were sleeping. He gets all growly and weird about your well-being. It’s honestly adorable.”

And when I was sure they were all out, I whispered into the stillness, “I love you guys. But if you shit yourselves in my bed, I will end you.”

“Definitely not that old farty, rapey, Pauly-boy was here,” X piped up. “I killed him good. There was no zombie-style resurrection for him, I promise you that.”

“Yeah, yeah. We all know you only want to see Whip’s. You’re a one testicle kinda dude.”

“Now you’re thinking! The press will know me simply as X!” “Everyone knows you simply as X,” I said dryly. “Fair point. Maybe I could be X-Man!” “Pretty sure Marvel has the copyright on that.” “Dammit!” “You could be X-Ray?”

“What about me? Where am I going to sleep when I stay at your place? I draw the line at sharing pillows with something that would eat my eyeballs if I stopped breathing for thirty seconds.”

“Omelet! He’s doing it again! Harold! Stop it! Love me, damn you! Everyone else does!”

“You don’t get to call him ugly, Levi. He’s been through trauma. Look at that face. He’s seen things. Probably your nudes.”

“Did you just deliberately drop a fart at me?” His nose wrinkled, and he waved his hand around. “Oh my God, cat! What is wrong with your bowels?”

“But if you come back and find me facedown, half eaten, I want my obituary to say, ‘Beloved local menace dead at thirty. Cause of death? One resentful hairball and a fart so unholy the wallpaper curled in protest.’”

“That cat wants you to die so he can eat your eyeballs,” Whip said from the front seat.

“You will not defile my cat, Whip! Do not even THINK about getting the peanut butter out and coating your balls in it so he’ll lick them.”

“Oh my God, it’s you! You filled her up with cum, tattooed your name on her vag, and then had her call you Daddy!”

“Omelet! Do you like this one?” He shook his ass. “Oooh, feel the breeze! I should wear skirts every day, this is delightful!”

“I explored. Lost my map. Maybe got eaten by a lion. Which, by the way, would be preferable to either of you ever touching my ass again.”

“You are so lucky my digits are only interested in Violet’s hot pocket. Or I would so be tracking down your granny right now and offering her a little digital relief!”

“Guess I’ll go google ‘how to explain murder to minors.’”

“What’s wrong with him? Levi, you’re supposed to stroke his cock. Not just hold it like a dead fish.” His nose wrinkled. “I’d show you how but I think we’ve established I’m not for the butt stuff.”

“We can’t leave you up there,” he said flatly. “You’ll either fall and break your neck, or I’ll let my intrusive thoughts win and start shaking the tree to speed things up.”

“If I die, tell Violet I fought bravely. And if she asks why my hands are bleeding, say it’s from combat. Do not tell her it’s from a particularly aggressive pine cone.”

“X!” I wailed, truly concerned I could see a future where he and I were like Batman and Robin, running around the city in bad costumes, unaliving people who had done wrong.