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A spike of envy worms through my chest. I wish I had a Carter or a Zeke to text me. I wish I had someone who was my own.
I’m certain the real Atlas behind the walls is worth knowing, as long as I can get past the Atlas guarding the gate.
“Carter is easy,” I say, waving a hand. “Carter is like…he is like a rose. Thorns, yes, but also a flower. Atlas is only the thorns.”
I cannot explain why I want Atlas to like me. I cannot even understand it myself. I just feel like it’s important. Atlas is important.
“I think I am mostly wanting someone that I might like to talk with, and maybe lie under a blanket with to watch hockey, and also touch my hair.”
I like seeing the way Carter’s face has become softer these last two years, and his mouth is quicker to smile. I like seeing how animated Max has become, as though Luke is a battery he’s drawing energy from. I like how happy they all are and I like that I am a part of it. I love them.
He’s fucking cute, like a little German puppy.
Fucking hell, I want to bone this irritating motherfucker so bad right now.
Under no circumstances should I be providing anyone’s first anything. I’m a plague, and a scourge. I’m the place love goes to die.
“I have never been interested in kissing before, until I met you,” he says, head tilted and eyes contemplative on mine. His gaze drops to my mouth. “But I like your hair, and I like talking to you even though you can be rude and think I’m strange. I like looking at you.”
Truthfully, what I really want is intimacy without the expectation of sex, but I think intimacy might be a word that would send him hurtling for the door.
“I am only wanting to be here with you, Bärchen. I will be saying no to everyone who is not Atlas.”
“Nate told me I should pull my head out of my ass and talk to you.” He exhales harshly. “So, that’s what I’m doing. Because I miss the shit out of you, and things are kind of miserable when you’re not around. I’m going to mess up, though, Henri. I will. And I’m fucking terrified that you’re going to leave me, but me hurting you wasn’t the way to handle that. I know I don’t deserve a second chance, but I’d like to ask for one anyway.”
“I know it is hard to believe when people tell you things, so I will not do that. I will show you, yes? I won’t tell you that I won’t leave you. I will simply stay, and perhaps that will speak for itself. I am sorry for the people who have not treated you well, because they no longer get to know you and that is a terrible thing.”
“I am not this person who gets bored and goes looking for someone new. I am never wondering if there are better people out there for me. I have only ever wanted you, Atlas.”
“You are the world to me. You are a blessing, and a gift. I am the happiest man alive with you beside me. Atlas—my love, my Bärchen—would you marry me?”
