On the Edge (SCU Hockey #3)

by J.J. Mulder

He shrugs, still looking mighty pleased with himself. “I am thinking you like me a little bit.” “I am thinking you’re getting a little ahead of yourself for someone who kisses like a fourteen-year-old,” I counter, making him laugh. “I will get better with practice. I am very teachable—Coach Mackenzie has told me so.”

Today is the day before Christmas, and for once in my life I want to do something for no other reason than that it will make me happy. I want to not fear the future, or be miserable, for one fucking day. Today I want Henri. Tomorrow I’ll go back to reality.

I am going with Atlas, my friend from communications class. He likes seafood. Carter Wait a second, Zeke told me that guy was a dick. Fuck that guy. Henri Oh no, he is not so bad. And yes, I think I will. Carter I can’t believe you just made that joke.

“Can’t even blame him for trying,” he says about our waiter. “You’re so damn nice, would you even have said no if he asked you out?” “I am only wanting to be here with you, Bärchen. I will be saying no to everyone who is not Atlas.”

“You are happy now?” he asks quietly. I should lie to him. Crack a joke. I’m only setting myself up for pain if I tell the truth now. I pause. “Yes,” I whisper back. His eyes open. I circle my thumb in the soft hair behind his ear. “Perhaps it is your turn to be happy, after so many years of sad.”

“It’s not okay,” I argue. “You can yell at me, if you want. You should yell at me.” “Oh, I am not this kind of person who yells,” he says, and I huff a small laugh. “I wanted to hear your voice and talk about your summer. I did not call looking for a fight.” “No, you wouldn’t, I suppose,” I muse. “I really got lucky the day Dr. Robertson assigned us to be partners.” “That is funny, Atlas, because I am thinking that I was the lucky one.”

I know I made a mistake. I know I hurt him, and that’s not something I can easily forgive myself for. Henri has, but I can’t. And if I do—what then? I still don’t trust relationships, myself, or other people. But I trust Henri, and that’s what matters.

“I know it is hard to believe when people tell you things, so I will not do that. I will show you, yes? I won’t tell you that I won’t leave you. I will simply stay, and perhaps that will speak for itself. I am sorry for the people who have not treated you well, because they no longer get to know you and that is a terrible thing.”