On the Edge (SCU Hockey #3)

by J.J. Mulder

“Hey, how did your date go?” Luke asks, nudging me with his foot and leaning his head back against Max’s shoulder. “It was fine, thank you for asking.” All of my dates are fine. I like going out and chatting with people, even though I never feel any sort of spark or attraction. Dates, for me, are more of a way to make friends. To not be alone for a few hours. Luke stares at me, waiting for more, and I try to come up with a way to explain it to him that he might understand. “I do not have bad dates, really, but I…I do not feel that anyone is my Max. I do not like anyone.” Everyone stares at me silently for a protracted moment. I think if they all spoke German, I’d be able to clarify it better. It’s hard to find the correct words to explain that I’ve never been interested in sex or relationships beyond those of close friends. I try. I ask people out and go on dates, but I never feel anything. Going out to dinner for a date feels no different to me than going out to dinner with my brother. It’s never bothered me before, and I’ve never really questioned whether there was something wrong with me. I’ve never before looked at other couples and wondered if I was missing out. But after spending time with Carter and Zeke, and now getting to see the way Luke is with Max, I do sometimes wonder if there is something absent from my life. I question whether I am fated for a life spent searching, only to wind up alone. Perhaps I will never feel something.