Last One Out

by Steph Nelson

It feels like if I give that sadness any space, it’ll take over and I’ll never be able to tame it again.

It’s weird how once you wall yourself off, it gets easier and easier to do it. I’m at the point now that I’m not sure I’d know how to take the wall down even if I wanted to. Getting close to people feels uncomfortable like a too-tight waistband.

“Some of us have loved ones who refuse the mental help they need in order to function in society. In a way, it’s like they’re not with us anymore, even if their warm bodies are right there, within reach. We try to do everything in our power to support them, and in a sense, to bring them back to themselves, to us, but ultimately it’s out of our control. We are excruciatingly helpless.”

“When your life is full of trauma, you have to find ways to come to the surface for air. You can’t live in those deep dark waters of fear, sadness, and shame every moment of every day or you’ll drown. I had to make a life and move forward with as much normalcy as I could muster. You know, search for pockets of happiness for my own sanity.”

My therapist says I need to let emotions move through my body in order to process the trauma, so when the urge to cry appears, I allow myself to feel it. I tell myself I’m safe. We’re safe. I tell myself I am willing to feel anything in order to heal and to have my own back.