Last One Out

by Steph Nelson

It’s not like I’m lagging. I’m just a few steps behind them, but Amy gets annoyed with everything I do lately. Even when I’m following her ideas and trying hard to be what she wants, she complains. Her voice has a manic edge right now, like she’s afraid I’ll pull the cord on this whole idea.

I’ve been throwing up for weeks because I’m pregnant.

At this point, being vulnerable with someone is like a foreign language I’d have to learn from scratch. Is there Duolingo for becoming fluent in intimacy? I text him back.

Now we’re not talking about the sink. We’re talking about us.

I know plenty. I was there.

Something pops up inside of me. This little feeling of No. I don’t want to call him right now, and it makes me feel immediately guilty. But Chloe is my priority and I want to spend my day with her, so I’ll call him later.

Uh rude

When we get down there, it’s more freaky than the Witness Room was. If the Witness Room was a home’s foyer, the Drop Room would be its basement. Literally. It’s directly below, with the metal trapdoor on its ceiling. The museum sign says it’s where they’d retrieve the hanged bodies after an execution. The room’s floor is sunken, and there’s a drain in the middle. Chloe points to it.

I’ve had this anger my whole life, and now I finally know what to do with it. I’m going to find the man who killed my mom, who terrorized Rachel, who left me for dead, and I’m going to fucking murder him.

Out of unbelievable trauma, this tiny gift of hope and love. “We’re sisters,” I say, nuzzling my face into her shoulder. She cries louder, and we sit there, holding each other. It feels like neither of us wants to be the first to let go, and so we don’t.

The truth is that I want to feel the fear, pain, shame, and anything else Chloe and Rachel and the other nameless girls would have experienced. I want to remember that they lived and they matter.

“It doesn’t matter how you got here. Only that you did. You beat all the odds, Nat, and you’re exactly like your mom. The absolute strongest person I know, and when I grow up, I want to be just like you.”